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The Annual Beginning of Semester Address at Communist Martyrs High School

Updated on December 11, 2011

From the Principal's notes

Good morning and thank you for attending

We're all looking forward to a brave

New Year

Here @ Commy Martyr's

For the freshmen

The school has no third floor

For the sophomores

The school has no third floor

For the juniors and seniors

Cut it out

Mr. Heets the PE teachr

And custodian of the baked goods

Wants to inform all the students

That chocolate is still his favorite

But not chocolated laxative

No butterscotch please

The bell gives students enough time to make it

From one class to another

Without going to your locker

Carry your own books, not

Anyone else's

Juniors & seniors

Cut it out

Our new history teachr

Ms. Santayana

Will dress inappropriately this year

No cellphones in class

And our new english techr

Mr. Buttons

Will regale you with stories of

Video games and bodily gasses

They both cheated their ways to

Suma Cum Laude

Pay attention to them

The class on acting out and questioning authority

Expects you to sit still and be quiet

Save it for your parents

Bullying will not be tolerated

Bullying will not be tol'rated

Bullying will not be tolrtd

If there's anybody watching

The pending lawsuit is bogus

And the plaintiffs are morons

I'm not allowed to comment on it though

As for school lunches

As you know we here at Commy mrtyr's pride ourselves

On providing high-quality nutritious food

The beef liver sandwhiches do not come

Contrary to what you may have heard

From diseased cows

The pig farmers would never do that to us

Reports that the vegtables have e. coli

No comment

Now remember that you are representatives

Of Commy Mrtyrs

Work hard

Play fair

If we find any weapons on campus

We will prosecute to the fullest extent

Of not getting shot

Let's have a good year!

copyright (C) 2011 christopher w neal all rights reserved

"Communist Martyrs High School" and "Commy Martyr's" may or may not be copyright Firesign Theatre


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