Beaver Valley Post - Halloween Edition 2012

28-year old Meg McCartney, a home supplies entrepreneur, was banished from the town after the Beaver Valley Women’s Virtue Society accused her of selling immoral brooms. McCartney went on to become inventor of Europe’s best-selling line of personal hand-held electric broomsticks. But before her forced departure from Beaver Valley McCartney declared that she would be avenged a century later by one of her descendants who would expose the town’s small-mindedness through the written word.

Putin overrides Russian high court to send “criminal mastermind” to Siberian work camp

Russian President Vladimir Putin, ignoring the decision of the country’s Constitutional Court, has sent an accused subversive to a Siberian labor camp. Using his own personal staff as detaining officers Putin had Paul Ganshyvick forcibly removed from his home and taken away. Ganshyvick had just returned home last week after the Court decided not to try him on charges of publicly insulting Putin.

Putin claims he purposely sidestepped the Court’s decision to safeguard the moral standards of the nation.

“Our courts are getting too weak on criminals,” Putin told press reporters. “Recently they showed reluctance to dole out justice to that degenerate girls band, Pussy Riot. Now they want to let this hooligan criminal mastermind just walk. Someone has to take a firm hand with criminals or else the country’s entire moral fiber is jeopardized. That someone just happens to be me.”

The family of Paul Ganshyvick say that Putin is overreacting, citing Paul is only four-years old and the whoopee cushion he slipped under Putin’s butt on a park bench didn’t draw that much attention anyway.

New study reveals correlation between political attitudes and what kind of horror film scares us

A study released by the Dilmah-Rhone Institute shows that what scares us in a horror film is related to our personal political views.

The study, which involved 600 US test subjects, began in April of this year, with findings released this last week. Study coordinators, Dr. Bjorn Esterday and Dr. Gropa Pharmersdater, have confirmed a consistent correlation between political attitudes of the subjects and what kind of movie horror elements provoke feelings of terror in them.

Analysis of the findings reveal that Republicans are more likely to be horrified by film depictions of ghosts, vampires and serial killers that kill virgins, while Democrats are terrorized by depictions of werewolves, social brutality and serial killers that prey on feminists. Libertarians are most frightened by films depicting governmental tyranny, torture and serial killers that drive tanks. Those who align themselves as far-Right voters are terrified most often by film depictions of magic, the apocalypse and cross-dressing serial killers. Far-Left thinkers react most fearfully to films that depict animal mutilation, governmental tyranny and serial tree killers. Finally, those who describe themselves as fierce Independents are the most likely to be scared by ghosts, zombies, trolls, possession and anything with Sean Penn in it.

FDA to impose new graphic packaging warnings for fertility products

The US Food & Drug Administration has announced they will impose new graphic warning labels for packages of fertility drugs and fertility-related products beginning next year.

Citing the failure of the Zero-Population Growth Movement to decrease people’s attitudes about procreation, the FDA says firmer action is needed to dissuade people from using fertility-related products.

“Even passive interest in procreation is dangerous,” a spokesperson said in a press release yesterday. “One that greatly increases the chances for our own survival. Unfortunately some people just don’t want to give up the nasty habit and so must be compelled to into doing so. The graphic warning labels will remind those who still procreate about the dangers of their ugly habit and the dire consequences they can expect in indulging their vice.”

The FDA will require manufacturers to put the graphic warning labels on the offending products by December of 2013. Products scheduled for required labeling include all prescription fertility drugs, as well as over-the-counter fertility-related products such as ovulation prediction kits, home pregnancy tests, herbal supplements, oysters and music CD's by the band Journey.

The baby-disliking FDA is going to insure that graphic images like these will soon appear on fertility and fertility-related products.

Hillary Clinton takes responsibility for more tragedies

Today Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she takes full responsibility for several more incidents involving failed security breaches, as well as regretful events of historic global consequence.

Speaking at a press conference yesterday Clinton reiterated it was her fault for failed security measures that could have saved the lives of those killed in the Libyan Consulate assault on September 11. Some in the media seemed surprised and suggest Clinton's announcement came after pressure from the White House.

However, Clinton says she is astonished that suspicion is being leveled, by certain "bull-headed factions", at President Obama over the Consulate incident.

"But some people are just born cynics," Clinton theorized.

Along with reiterating her responsibility about the Consulate killings Clinton announced she was also the party responsible for the recent and lengthy NFL referee strike, this year’s dip in Facebook stock, soaring gasoline prices and for bringing Toddlers & Tiaras to television airwaves. Clinton concluded the announcement with the confession that she had caused the breakup of the Beatles, and that she had kidnapped performer Jim Morrison, whom she says is still alive and well and kept in a secret love dungeon “somewhere in Arkansas”.

Football player suspended for flagrant disrespect of the Pink Ribbon campaign

The Beaver Valley School Board has upheld the suspension of a sophomore, accused last week of showing flagrant disrespect for the Pink Ribbon campaign.

16-year old Cary Stuart, a running back for the BVH team, came under criticism by a school official after he failed to join fellow players in applying a Pink Ribbon sticker on his helmet during an at-home game. Stuart arrived on the field with a plaid ribbon sticker instead. Coaches allowed Stuart into the game, until shortly before half-time when vice-principal Natalie Crone, who was sitting in the bleachers, ordered them to pull him out. Crone later suspended Stuart, charging him of showing flagrant disrespect for the campaign as well as breast cancer victims.

While addressing the school board Stuart explained his mother is currently battling kidney cancer and that he wore the plaid ribbon in an effort to bring awareness to cancers of all types. The board voted 11-1 to uphold the suspension. Board member Denton Myers read the ruling aloud, underscoring the general feeling that “rules are rules” and that Stuart is at liberty to wear the plaid ribbon off school grounds and away from school functions.

The one dissenting vote came from board member, John North. Before the vote North told the others that as a survivor of testicular cancer he feels, “Other forms of cancer are very often forgotten in the chic hype that has become celebration of the Pink Ribbon campaign.”

Following the vote North was fired on grounds of endorsing un-American activities.

Women's groups mail out free calendars to bring awareness of the War On Women

The local branch of the National Organization of Women (NOW), in association with the Sandra Fluke Like-a-Boss-Doorknob Society has sent free calendars to every registered voter in the county. The hundreds of calendars were mailed out last Tuesday, thanks in part to help from volunteers at the local DNC office. The generous give-away is intended to bring attention to what the groups call the continuing discrimination against women as waged by the GOP and other conservative groups. A toll-free number is printed at the bottom of each page, a number supporters can use to donate to the cause.

Models for the lovely calendar are all high-profile members of the Democrat party, each of whom volunteered their time to pose for the cause. Among the prominent models appearing on on calendar pages are Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, First Lady Michelle Obama, WH Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett, FL Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulsi and of course, Sandra Fluke.

Regional hospitals overwhelmed with patients suffering from unknown malady

Beginning on Wednesday morning officials with hospitals throughout the county reported dozens of men were brought to emergency rooms suffering from temporary blindness.

“I don’t know what to make of this pandemic,” Beaver Valley General staffer, Lori Schwartz told reporters. “It is awful, though. We had over twenty arrivals on Wednesday and several more throughout Thursday and Friday. These men all reported similar symptoms –nausea, vomiting, headaches and in every case, blindness that lasted from a few hours to a couple of days. The symptoms are very painful and three of the patients are still undergoing suicide watch. It is just tragic.”

The cause of the strange and widespread malady has not yet been determined. A spokeswoman for the county health department says the determination may not come for a few more days as eighty-five percent of the male doctors and medical staff in the region are also affected.

Police investigators mark zombie sightings down to hysteria

City police, responding to multiple frantic 9-1-1 calls Sunday morning, investigated a rash of zombie sightings reported by locals.

Officers gathered at Jim Morrison Memorial Park around 1:20 AM, shortly after the calls began pouring in. According to the calls a group of despondent and moaning zombies had been seen roaming the park. The terror was so acute that many neighborhood residents are reported to have locked their doors and windows in terror, while others even packed belongings and drove out of town to safeguard their lives and families.

At approximately 1:40 AM officers gave up the investigation and marked the reports down to hysteria.

“The terror of a zombie invasion proved to be unfounded,” Deputy Burgess Hudson says. “We’ve marked this down as just a lot of pre-Halloween jitters from some folks with overly active imaginations. The only unholy thing we came across was a number of Peta Lindsay supporters. They had killed a dog in sacrifice to Vladimir Illyich Lenin and a few of them were making out inside a rat-infested garbage bin. Some were wandering around drunk, moaning and swearing vulgarities. To protect the rats from communal disease we shot the Lindsay supporters in the heads. Once their headless, advancing bodies were shot in the knees they fell to the earth, their limbs barely flinging anymore. We heaped the bodies together and burned them along with the still-moaning heads. We feel pretty certain citizens can rest safely now, though we do advise the dog population to take precaution when venturing outdoors after dark.”

Elections Commission reminds the public to vote for new Mayor on November 6th

The local district’s Elections Commission is reminding city residents that in addition to having opportunity to vote in the 2012 Presidential election in early November voters will have the opportunity to cast their votes for a new mayor of Beaver Valley.

The City council met at the first of the month to discuss replacing Mayor Dick Burns, who has lingered in a coma after a freak accident in April. The meeting evoked sadness and tears from several members who have been close to the Burns family for years. However, the consensus that the city’s needs must be taken into consideration was recognized by one and all. During the meeting the council voted to implement City Governing Rule # 55. This means that Burns’ replacement will be chosen by legal ballot at the polls on November 6^th.

The Elections Commission has put the names of eight local candidates on the November ballot. Each candidate feels, that if elected mayor, they have the qualifications and experiences necessary to benefit the general welfare of Beaver Valley.

Meet the candidates

Zock is the son of current Mayor, Dick Burns. Zock brings with him enthusiasm and a sense for understanding today’s contemporary culture. He has worked as a sock maker, gas station attendant, blog designer and video store clerk. Zock hopes to help make Beaver Valley become more attractive to small business owners, large industries and the people who organize Star Trek conventions. He is a fan of The X-Men comics, the Dr. Who series and the show, Falling Skies. He also likes peppermint-chocolate ice cream and Coors beer, and thinks the best thing about his beloved home town is the great number of sexy middle-aged women that resemble his late mother. His favorite color is translucent white.

George is manager of The Napkin Emporium, where he has been employed for seven years. Before that he served for twelve years in the US Army. He has been married for 15 years to his wife, Emily, and together they have four children. He serves as an elder at Beaver Valley Baptist Church. George’s hobbies include reading TV Guide and watching television. Last year George founded the men's club, Keep Your Hands Off My Damned TV Remote Controls. George feels his military and job experience provides him with a unique understanding on how to work well with citizens and the city board, and his priorities include bringing back commonsense government and an appreciation for family values in official decision-making. He also feels that as mayor the position will empower him with all he needs to intimidate his children and their friends into finally leaving his damned TV remote controls alone. George’s favorite color is blue and his favorite food is microwavable popcorn.

Flora attends Beaver Valley Community College, where she majors in political science. Flora devotes her spare time to volunteer work with impoverished bohemians and the generally disreputable. She is a member of the Young Democrats, the Young Communists and the Sandra Fluke Like-a-Boss-Doorknob Society. Flora seeks to institute strong social reforms to the city and lead it into an era of renewed prosperity by turning Beaver Valley into the nation's largest free-love commune sustained on high taxes of business owners and property owners. Her favorite color is orange and her favorite drink is Red Bull with vodka chasers.

Harold has served as managing director of the Beaver Valley Electric Company for seven years. He is a dedicated family man and has treated his five former wives generously. Harold feels his experience in dealing with the public gives him unique insights on the concerns of city residents. As a candidate for mayor Harold feels government unions need more representation and vows to work enthusiastically to protect their interests. He also wants to foster the continued empowerment of city utility monopolies, and seeks to implement fairer, higher and more cut-throat taxes on the lower-class. As a family man, Harold also wants to see a return to old-fashioned nepotism within government. His favorite food is lobster bisque and his favorite vacation spot is the Virgin Islands.

Joe was born in Beaver Valley but spent most of his life in a remote forest in Alaska. After the untimely death of his parents, wife/sister and five children Joe moved back to Beaver Valley in 2001. He is the owner of Joe’s Gun & Dairy Shop and president of the Beaver Valley Gun Owners Club. In his spare time Joe raises panthers, bears, fighting cocks, fighting hogs, Rottweilers, Pit Bulls and Teacup poodles. Joe seeks to bring back Constitutional governing in Beaver Valley and plans to open new jobs in the area by constructing a twelve-ft. barbed wire fence around the entire city. His favorite color is yellow and he believes Alex Jones is God.

Peggy Lee –or Mother Peggy as she is known among friends- is the only living heir of bootleg legend Billy Lee (Gulleyjumper) Johnson and his wife Lorraine. After serving 30 years in the State Womens Correctional Facility for their murders Peggy Lee returned to her hometown of Beaver Valley, where she lives with fourteen cats at Gods Little Acre Trailer Court. She is founder and pastor of the Reformed Shakers Of The New Feminine Christ Church and is president of the Beaver Valley Pro-Abstinence Organization. Peggy Lee's organizational experience includes leading protests against area liquor, beer and wine retailers, cigarette stores, massage parlors, pool halls, movie theaters, arcades, comic book shops, candy stores and many other businesses where enjoyable items are sold. Peggy Lee seeks to encourage Beaver Valley residents to embrace the abstemious values she holds dear before the city totally becomes a modern-day Sodom or Gomorrah and she is crucified in order to fulfill prophecy and sit at the right-hand of God almighty.

Michael served as chief counsel to Mayor Dick Burns for seven months prior to the Mayor’s accident. Born in Chicago, Michael earned his law degree through Al Capone University Online. In 1995 he moved to Beaver Valley, and here married Theresa Chase of the Chase, Prey and DeVour Attorneys at Law firm. Before coming to work for the mayor’s office Michael worked for ten years as legal counsel for the smoking cessation research dept. at Gloombury Pharmaceuticals. Michael hopes to lead the city into an era of renewed prosperity by getting federal grants to build the nation’s largest facility devoted to the research of forced addiction modification. If built, the facility is estimated to provide hundreds of jobs to unemployed and underemployed addicts, homeless persons, orphans, runaways, mental patients and undocumented workers. Michael enjoys playing cards, billiards and taking long walks with companions on out-of-the-way peers and back alleys. His favorite comfort food is Tortelli de Zucca and his cigar brand of choice is Cohiba Behike.

Cthulu, aka Lord of Chaos, was born in what is presently known as Beaver Valley during an age before dinosaurs walked the earth. A self-professed jack-of-all-trades, Cthulu lives with his wife, Oblivion, and their 375 children in a cave underneath the Sunny Point caverns. As a devout anarchist Cthulu brings to the table an understanding of the human penchant to be led like sheep to an altar. If elected Cthulu hopes to foment opposing views between citizens and help them embrace madness with a fervor strong enough to usher in an abysmal era filled with destruction, hatred, mayhem, sorrow and eventual elimination of the species. Cthulu’s favorite color is red and his comfort food of choice is mankind. When not exerting his influence over the weak-minded, Cthulu spends his time raising spiders and boasts over 100 Blue Ribbons for his pedigree best of shows. He also serves as youth pastor at the Beaver Valley Holiness Pentecostal Church.

STARTING THIS FRIDAY AT THE BEAVER VALLEY SUPER-1 THEATER COMPLEX!

Carl Dugger, Tower Heights, charged with driving under the influence

Brian Whitehead, Maple St., charged with driving over the influence

Matt Holmes, Bush Ave., charged with driving around the influence

Brandy Yankovich, Princeton Dr., charged with driving through the influence

Derek Hampton, Green Acres Apt., given citation for leaving the influence in a public thoroughfare

Oct 30 :The Fans of Paul Ryan Ladies Society will hold a wet swimming trunks contest at The Beaver Valley Mormon Tabernacle. Event is open to all males, winner to receive tickets to upcoming AC/DC concert and virginal bride of his choice. Begins 8PM at the tabernacle.

Oct. 30^: The Fans of Joe Biden Ladies Society will hold a smirking contest at the St. Inebriation Catholic Church. Event open to all liberal males, winner to receive a beer coaster signed by the Vice President and the hand of Mrs. Pearl O’Tooley, 92. Begins 10PM at the church.

Oct. 30: Beyonce and Jay-Z will appear at The Italia club, dressing in a manner that suggests they are avoiding recognition. They will sample drinks, mingle, dance and pretend to be shocked when their hired photographers suddenly crash the scene and reveal to everyone present who they really are. To avoid this pre-planned ego-stroke-fest don’t go to The Italia anytime between 6PM and 1AM the next morning.

Oct.20-Nov.6: The Beaver Valley Ice Follies in association with PBS will present two daily showings of Mitt Romney Forces Big Bird To Commit Seppuku On Ice. 11AM and 4PM daily. Senior and veteran discounts available. At the City Ice Arena.

Oct. 20-Nov.6: The Beaver Valley Community Theater in conjunction with Clint Eastwood will present two daily showings of A Fistful of Big Bird Feathers. 10AM and 5PM daily. Discounts available for seniors, veterans, children and anyone who would really like to see Big Bird bite the dust.

Oct. 31: The Jerry Garcia Society will be giving out free Mary Jane candy at the Dead Head Church on Stoned Drive. Event begins just after dark. Bring your own lighters.

Oct. 31: Michelle Obama will be handing out crap-in-a-bag to trick-or-treaters at the DNC office on Crimson Avenue. Begins at 7PM.

Oct. 31: The Richard Dawkins Society will be holding a wine and crackers luncheon, followed by a lecture from Bill Ayers. Musical entertainment will be provided by Ray LaMontagne and Joe Biden. Begins at 6PM at the DNC headquarters at The Gut Rot Bar. Entrance price: $35. Creationists will be turned away at the door.

Oct. 31: Jesus Christ, Thor and Krishna will be hold an All-U-Can-Eat Buffet, followed by a Richard Dawkins roast-in-absentia. Later in the evening there will be a keg party-mosh pit. Special musical guests include AC/DC and Avenged Sevenfold. FREE TO THE PUBLIC, this event begins at 7PM at Buddha’s bungalow on 999 Placid St. Bill Nye will be turned away at the door and he knows why.

Oct. 31 Peggy Lee Johnson, candidate for Mayor, will be sitting alone at home with her 14 cats and pellet gun, waiting for trick-or-treaters at her home in God's Little Acre Trailer Court. Eggs, toilet paper and bottles of mustard are SOLD AT CAMBRIDGE’S ALL-NITE CONVENIENCE STORE across from the trailer court. ALL NIGHT EVENT!!!

Homes

Turn-of-the-century stately Victorian mansion, numerous bedrooms, huge working fire places, original furnishings and woodwork, beautiful gardens, moaning walls, bleeding doors, insane spirits condemned to eternal confinement in the walls. $25,000 or best offer. Call Nick at Hill House, 555-4444

Cardboard box, large enough to fit two, maybe three depending on size. Will sell for $10 or good references. Call 555-7887 and ask for the unemployed couple that come in every day asking for jobs.

Clean as a pin 3-bedroom cottage! Comes with large closets, spacious kitchen, full basement with cutting board, meat hooks and drip pans. Contact the little girl who lives down the lane at HER@ CannibalLane.us

Home with view of lovely desolate fields.. Comes with three goats, one chicken, sink and hole in floor for evacuation needs. Contact Urubi Obama at WeNeedMoney@ mycousinforgotus.net

Vehicles

Slim, top-of-the-line horse-driven carriage, black with black shutters, satin padding and choice of one of my two voluptuous pale wives. Mint condition. Call Vlad at 555-SUCK and let’s discuss business!

Sturdy cart, good condition, previously used to haul condemned witches to the gallows. $500 or will trade for clavicle separators. Call 555-1020 and ask for Peggy Lee.

1970 Dodge Charger, two-door coupe, orange, bears Confederate naval jack on roof and horn plays “Dixie”. Excellent condition. $12,000 or will trade for moonshine still or a years worth of tickets to the New York Metropolitan Opera.

Miscellaneous

1960’s-era music idol and sex symbol, house broken, answers to the name Lizard-King, shots up to date. Well-used but in good condition, with all working parts. Comes with bottle of menthol rub. To make offer contact HillaryC@ AmbassadorGoddess.us

HUGE ASSORTMENT of before-and-after weight-loss product photos. $100. BUY before November 1^st and get a dozen scratch-n-sniff cardboard perfume samples. Call Monica at 555-9922, ext. 4.

Genuine asbestos-enriched white paint just like Mom used to inhale. $5 a bottle. Contact Jordan at 555-4000.

1995 ElectroDeuc refrigerator, ivory color, good condition. Comes with ice trays, adjustable moisture control hydrator drawer thermostat and a nightmarish creature that slithers out of the butter compartment after the door is shut to turn the light off. $40 or best offer. Contact Jason at 555-0034

Personals

White, Anglo-Saxon prince; enjoys photography and battling enemies of the Empire. Seeks nice honest woman of any ethnicity and age, social status of no consequence. Please forward your photo and profile details to Andy@ theniceone.UK and I will read your email asap.. No ginger-haters, please.

W/AS/Prince seeks mother-figure for kinky play. Send your resume to Charlie@ needmycrow.uk No virginal types, seriously.

D/W/M, 25, music lover, crime noir film buff, seeks women with similar interests and like men who wear Styrofoam suits. Contact BV PO #312

D/B/M, 40’s, between jobs, seeks women who can buy me smokes and will drive me to stalk my ex-inlaws in exchange for me keeping their beds warm at night. Contact BV PO #4999

S/W/M brothers, attached at the psychological hip, 30’s, excessively attractive, humble. Enjoy chasing ghosts, vampires, demons and other nasties. Seek women who like hamburgers and will do it in the backseat at a dark crossroads while a voyeuristic angel takes camshots. Send your birthday-suit pix to Sam or Dean at BV PO #666999

S/W/F maidenly Christian woman seeks man willing to dig graves and will never expect intimacy. Contact Peggy Lee at BV PO #1887

M/W/M seeks female drinking companions who will laugh at all my jokes, fawn all over me, refer to me as The Royal Stuff and sober me up the next morning. Preference given to skinny mustached types and lactating leprechauns. Contact JoeB@ NextInLineForPrez.us

Seeking work

Will work for good beating. Call Yori at 555-0000, ext.7

Will beat for work. Call Yori at 555-0000, ext. 7

Job opportunities

*WORK AT HOME* - *BE YOUR OWN BOSS* !!! Breeding beautiful rare electric, poisonous piranha. Start-up kit comes with tank, fish, rubber gloves and personal-size bottle of anti-venom. Order today and begin making your fortune tomorrow! SEND $19.95 to Carl & Jan’s House of Death, 13 Blacklite Lane, Estonia, 007PT44

Diana’s Feminist Bar has an opening for a bouncer. Applicants must be female, with experience in castrating hogs or steer preferred. Applications being taken today at 18 Steinem Boulevard, Beaver Valley.

Professionals’ Urine Testing has an opening for specimen cup cleaner. Applicants must be over 21, able to pass urine drug testing and have a long tongue. Apply in person at 1111 Professional Overlook Suites, Waste Dump Road, Beaver Valley.

*EARN INSTANT CASH* by selling your previously worn underwear. *MORE CASH* for your used bras. *EVEN MORE CASH* for both. **CASH GALORE** for a date. Apply online at denisneedsitbad.net and submit your application photos today.

BAGGAGE TAKER needed immediately. Applicants must over 21 years of age, with low-esteem, a willingness to take verbal abuse and eager to attend to my every need, any minute of the day or night. Send your resume now to MObama @festeringtemper.us

Katy's Peanut Brittle & Fruitcake Co. has an opening for tooth survival tester. Apply in person today at 209 Bleedinggum Way, Beaver Valley beside The 1-Hour Dental Care Center.

*WORK NOW-EARN NOW!* and help feed the world! Must be over 18 years of age and willing to travel to China. Visit our offices today for exciting details about this lucrative opportunity and find out how you can provide sustenance to millions! CHEN’S CANNIBAL CIRCUS – 1200 Golden Yen Drive, Beaver Valley

Microwave Mike’s Café needs someone to suck the heat out of our hotdogs and burgers before they are served. Preference given to the individual that knows how to heat pickles up without exploding and can lure a family of gerbils out of our condiment barrel. Pick up applications at 42 Fume Ally, Beaver Valley beside the Volunteer fire department.

I need an experienced film maker to document my eminent re-election. Interested film makers should be female, not interested in marriage and willing to talk about how cool I am, with emphasis on my intellectual gifts and hip set of friends. Apply today at TooCoolToFail @ObamaIsGod.us