The Best Banker Jokes
Bankers are not the most popular of people right now. They are supposed to be money grubbing, snobbish with morals that even a bank robber would frown upon. And although they are usually dressed pretty well, they are probably not too smart. I have gathered the best of the banker jokes that I have found on the web, and to any banker who might take offense at these jokes, please remember that these are just jokes.
When Albert Einstein died on the morning of the 18th of April, 1955, he found himself standing at the Pearly Gates. St Peter himself was there to greet him and he complimented Einstein on a life well lived and on his numerous achievements during his life on Earth. But as they have been experiencing a boom and there was a shortage of good workers, they were not able to complete Einstein’s mansion before his arrival.
St Peter was most apologetic as he accompanied Einstein to his temporary accommodations. “It’s the best that we can do and don’t worry, it will just be for a few days. The contractor has assured me that it will be finished by the end of this week. And I’d personally check up on him every day to make sure there will be no further delays.”
“Let me introduce you to your roommates,” St Peter continued. “This is Josh, and he has an IQ of 190!”
“Wow!” Einstein said. “We are going to have such interesting debates about physics, mathematics and even the nature of reality itself. In fact, I would love to talk about the creation of new universes with completely different set of physical laws and constants as I believe that’s one of the things that goes on around here.”
The second roommate introduced himself as Carl and proclaimed an IQ of 150 for himself.
“I hope you have a chess set. I never had time for it on Earth but I think I can spare some time playing the game of chess now. I might even be pretty good at it.”
The third and last roommate was quite a well dressed individual. He seemed a little pompous as St Peter introduced him as Oswald and declared his IQ at a respectable 90.
“Pleased to meet you,” Einstein smiled. “You must be a banker. So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
A guy wearing a singlet and slippers walked into the bank and practically shouted at the teller, “Yo woman! Who do I speak to to open a bloody bank account in this bloody bank?”
The teller politely told him to lower his voice as he was disturbing the other customers and that she would be able to open his bank account for him.
The guy was practically foaming at the mouth. “Don’t you tell me what to do! And no woman is opening my bloody account. You women are just good for cooking, cleaning and making babies. I wanna speak to a man!”
The teller got up in a huff, went to the bank manager’s office and explained the situation to him. The bank manager told her that while the customer was always right, this customer was definitely wrong. He went back with the teller to set the guy straight.
“About time a man showed up!” The guy was as loud, if not louder than before. “I just won $25 million dollars in the lottery and this bloody woman insisted that she’s capable of opening my bloody account for me.”
“She did, did she?” The bank manager was almost as loud as the guy. “She was just supposed to clean the windows and arrange the files. Don’t mind her. Let’s go to my bloody office and see what we can do about your bloody account!”
A man walked into a bank, asked for the loan manager and said that he wanted to borrow $2,000 for a period of one week. For collateral, he offered up his Rolls Royce. The bank can keep his Rolls Royce until the loan plus interest is paid off, or until one year has passed, after which the bank will keep the car.
This was actually an unusually arrangement for the bank. But as there does not seem to be any way that the bank can lose, the manager decided to exercise his discretion and accepted the terms. The manager was actually secreting hoping that the man would default on the loan, handing the bank a Rolls Royce for the price of $2,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked back into the bank. He gave the loan manager $2,000 as repayment of the principle of the loan and another $15 for the interest incurred.
As he was getting into his Rolls Royce, the loan manager asked the man, “If I may, why did you borrow $2,000 from us? I get the feeling that you didn’t need the money.”
“You got it right,” the man replied. “You see, I had to go away for two weeks and I couldn’t find a cheap and safe place to park my car. By getting the loan, I get to park my car in a very safe place for two weeks for a mere $15.”
There was a up and coming young banker who decided that it was time to get his very first tailor made suit. He asked around, got the address of the finest tailor in town and went in to get measured for a suit. He told the tailor that he was a banker and that he wanted the best suit money can buy. The tailor nodded, said he knew what to do and asked the banker to come in for a fitting in a week’s time.
A week went by and the banker was back at the tailor for the fitting. He put on the suit and it was just as he’d expected. It fitted perfectly and he looked like a million dollars. But he noticed that there were no pockets but since the tailor seemed to know his stuff, the banker thought that that was probably how the tailor worked.
But since he wanted big and deep pockets, to keep all the money that he was going to make, he just thought he should mention that to the tailor.
“For the next fitting, you will be putting in the pockets right? Can you make them wide and deep?”
The tailor looked at the banker for a second. “You did tell me you were a banker right?”
“Yep, I’m a banker, and proud of it.”
“Well,” the tailor said, “suits for bankers never have any pockets. I mean, have you ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
An engineer, a chemist and a banker were traveling together. It was getting dark so they stopped by a small hostel to spend the night. It was the holiday season, and there were many travellers on the road, so the hostel was fully booked.
But there had been a recent cancellation and a room with two single beds was available. The proprietor could also offer a cot in his storeroom for free - only that that person had to share the room with two of his pets.
The engineer had been sick of the banker’s complaints and decided that this was his chance at a little peace and quiet. “I’ll make the sacrifice. You two can take the room.”
A few minutes later, as the banker and the chemist were preparing for bed, there came a knock on the door. It was the engineer. He was most apologetic and said that he can’t sleep in the storeroom as one of the proprietor’s pets was a cat, and he was allergic to cats.
“I love cats,” said the chemist. “I’ll take the cot.”
But the chemist was back a few minutes later. “The proprietor has a lovely Siamese cat. But he also has a dog, and I’m terrified of dogs. I wonder if you won’t mind....”
“I guess it’s me then,” the banker grumbled. He picked up his bag and left for the storeroom without even saying good night.
As the engineer was turning off the light, there came a weird scratching and thumping noise at the door. He opened the door to find a very upset cat and dog.