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The Best Doctor And Patient Jokes

Updated on August 27, 2014
"Don't worry, I practised on my teddy bear last night."
"Don't worry, I practised on my teddy bear last night." | Source

Even the best jokes about the doctor and his patient or about doctors or patients have tended to be rather risque and more adult oriented. However, there are many other doctor and patient jokes that are funny, and will not make your grandmother blush. I have collected the best of them here in this hub.

I was in the waiting of the hospital when a nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man was beside himself. "How about that? We live on the second floor and I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." He then bounded like a kid as the nurse led him to his wife’s room.

Five minutes later, another nurse came out for Mr Jones and told him that his wife just had triplets.

“Wow, that’s a coincidence. I work for the 3M Company and I also live on the third floor.” And he happily followed the nurse.

Through all of this, I noticed that a man sitting across the room from me was getting increasing nervous. He had gone from drumming his fingers on his lap, and was now pacing the room with a wild look in his eyes.

I went up to him, gave him a smile and tried to make some small talk. He did calm down a little and told me about himself and his wife. But when I brought up the interesting coincidences with the previous two men, he got agitated all over again. And when I told him that there was nothing to be nervous about and that he would get to see his baby, or maybe babies, very soon, he turned a deathly shade of white.

He could hardly speak as he whispered, “Please don’t say babies. I live on the seventh floor and I work for 7-UP.”



A man went to a psychiatrist for a psychiatric evaluation. To start things off, the psychiatrist decided on the Rorschach test. He told the man that he’d be shown what can best be described as a series of inkblots. All the man had to do to was to tell him what he thought the inkblots looked like.

He held up the first picture and the man said, “That’s a man and a woman making love under a tree.”

The second picture produced a similar response. “A man and a woman making love in bed.”

Of the set of ten pictures, the man said that nine of the pictures are about a man and a woman making love. Only the third picture produced a slightly different response. The man said that the third picture was that of a man and a woman looking into each other’s eyes and falling in love.

The psychiatrist had been taking tons of notes over what the man said, how he looked at the pictures, how much time he took to give an answer and whether he reversed the pictures. At the end of the set of 10 pictures, he closed his notebook and said, “It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to know that you have a preoccupation with sex.”

To which the man replied, “Hey, don’t blame me. You’re the one with the dirty pictures.”


A man was talking to his family doctor about his wife, “Doc, I think Mary’s starting to go deaf.”

“Well, I won’t ask you to bring her in to get checked out as I know how she is. A simple test you can do yourself is to stand some distance from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, then move a little closer and ask again. Keep doing this until she responds. This way you will have an idea of how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man decided to try it as soon as he got home. As he walked in the door, he asked, “Mary, what’s for dinner?”

There was no answer so he took two steps and asked again. No answer. He kept doing it until he was practically standing at the doorway to the kitchen.

And he asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Finally, she answered, “For the ninth time, we are having chicken for dinner.”


There was an elderly couple who were having problems remembering stuff, and one would blame the other when things were remembered wrongly. She would ask him to meet her at the dentist at 6, and he would wait for her at the supermarket at 4. They could never quite figure out who was the one with the faulty memory.

As a last resort, they dropped by the doctor to get things straightened out once and for all. They explained their situation and the doctor promised that he would get to the bottom of their problems. He did a thorough checkup and all he could find was that they were just forgetful, both of them.

“So, just write things down instead of depending on your memory,” the doctor explained to them. “And don’t worry about your forgetfulness, it’s actually quite normal at your age.”

Later that night, as they were watching television, the husband got up to make himself a sandwich.

“Harry, while you are in the kitchen, can you get me some ice cream as well?” the wife asked. “Oh, with strawberries.”


“Shouldn’t you be writing that down? Remember what the doctor said? And put some whipped cream on it as well.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not that forgetful. Ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream, right?”

Fifteen minutes later, he emerged from the kitchen and placed a plate of bacon and eggs on the table in front of her.

She took one look, frowned and said, “I told you to write it down. You forgot the toast!”



Aunt Martha made an appointment to see Dr Osborn the next day. As she is rather elderly and had been feeling under the weather the past couple of months, he decided to call her and check up on her before the appointment.

“You are such a dear but I’m all right.” Aunt Martha said. “The medication you have me on is doing the trick. I’d just like you to prescribe me some birth control pills when I visit your office tomorrow.”

“Aunt Martha, I had no idea!” Dr Osborn was pleasantly surprised that Aunt Martha, at 74, was “But, at your age, birth control pills are not necessary.”

“Oh, it is not what you think. I need those pills to sleep well at night.”

Dr Osborn was a little concerned. “Those pills are not meant to make you sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, we can see what can be done about that.”

“They are not for me actually. I slip them into my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep very well at night.”



An elderly lady who had been having a rather embarrassing problem went to her doctor and said, “I have been having this really bad flatulence problem. It seems that every few minutes I’d let one go but thankfully, they don’t smell or make any sound. I let one go just a few seconds ago but you didn’t hear or smell anything, did you?”

“Hmmm,” the doctor seemed to be trying to hold his breadth and leaning slightly away from her at the same time but she just put it to her overactive imagination. “Let’s take two of these pills every day for two weeks and see if it solves the problem.”

One week later she went back to the doctor hopping mad. “Not only did your stupid pills not solve my gas problem, now I have to hold my nose every time - it stinks real bad. What did you put in those pills?”

The doctor seemed unusually calm and composed. “Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”



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    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 4 years ago from Singapore

      Sometimes a good laugh is all that keeps us going. Glad you liked the jokes.

    • liesl5858 profile image

      Linda Bryen 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Thank you for sharing those jokes especially the last one. We all need a good laugh from time to time in this sad world.

    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 4 years ago from Singapore

      Thanks FlourishAnyway. Every time someone comments, I go through all the jokes and have another laugh all over again. :)

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 4 years ago from USA

      Good little collection of jokes just when I needed a laugh!

    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 6 years ago from Singapore

      montecristo - Thanks! :)

    • montecristo profile image

      Angel Caleb Santos 6 years ago from Hampton Roads, Virginia

      Great article!

    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 6 years ago from Singapore

      KoffeeKlatch Gals - Ahhh, that's a very wise grandmother. :)

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 6 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Thanks for the laugh. I thought all of them were quote amusing. I especially liked the one about the grandmother and the birth control pills.

    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 6 years ago from Singapore

      d.william and Hello, hello, - It was my pleasure. :)

    • d.william profile image

      d.william 6 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      thanks, i needed a good laugh today. funny stuff.

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

      Thank you for a good laugh

    • wandererh profile image

      David Lim 6 years ago from Singapore

      Twilight Lawns, Moon Willow Lake - Seems that both of you like the same type of jokes as both are sorta about the pot calling the kettle black. :) Gonna have to watch it myself as I'm not that young or I'm going to end up the subject of one of these jokes. :)

    • Moon Willow Lake profile image

      Moon Willow Lake 6 years ago

      Thanks for this collection! This was enjoyable. I like the hearing one, "For the ninth time....." Lol

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      A lovely little collection. I must say the "You forgot the toast" one is beautiful.