The Best Husband And Wife Jokes
In many respects, a husband and wife are two very different people, probably with different upbringing, different viewpoints and different outlooks in life. Put them together in a marriage in which they have to share practically everything, you get a cauldron from which great jokes are born.
It had been a hectic year and a couple was planning a much needed getaway at Death Valley in California. They had met and fallen in love during the running clinics conducted by their running club before the Boston Marathon, and to run a marathon in the hottest and driest desert in the North American continent is their idea of an ideal getaway.
Sharon was still tied up at work so Brian decided to go on ahead and she will meet him the next day. It was a particularly hot day when Brian arrived at the Furnace Creek Ranch on Highway 190 and checked in their bags. It was really too hot to train so Brian sent an email to Sharon telling her that he had arrived safely and was looking forward to their time together.
But instead of typing in “sharon” as the recipient, he accidentally typed in “sharonn” and the email was sent to Sharon Nelson, a bereaved widow who had lost her husband to cancer just days ago.
The widow was surprised that she got an email as nobody but her husband knew her email address. She opened the email, read what Brian had written, and promptly fainted. When her granddaughter revived her and asked her what was wrong, she could only point to the computer screen.
The granddaughter went over to the screen and read what Brian had written:
It was a bumpy ride but I got here okay. I know that you just got a few hours left so I hope that you manage to clear up all that you need to. I got your bags checked in and am looking forward to your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband forever,
PS It is unbelievably hot down here.
Who Wears the Pants?
A young couple was in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they got ready for bed, the husband, who was a champion bodybuilder, took off his pants, threw them over to his wife and said, “Honey, do me a favor and put these on.”
The wife, thinking that it was some sort of interesting bedroom game, tried on his pants. But they were way too large. “Honey,” she giggled, “your pants are too big for me. I can’t possibly wear them.”
The husband suddenly appeared quite serious, and even stern. “I know women like you believe in equality of the sexes and all that crap. I just want to say this once and once only, that I’m the one who wears the pants in this marriage, and we will get along just fine if you would never forget that.”
For a split second, the wife looked ready to blow her top. But she regained her composure and smiled sweetly at her husband, “Of course. Now let’s forget about all that and enjoy our honeymoon night.”
“I tried on your pants,” she continued. “Why don’t you try on my panties now?” She took off her panties and tossed them over to him.
The husband was expecting a fight to the death and was pleasantly surprised that she didn’t even bother to put up a fight. He gamely tried on her panties but could only get them up to his knees.
“I can’t get into your panties,” he said.
And she said, “That’s right. And it’s going to stay that way until that attitude of yours changes.”
The First Husband
It had been a great life and, as with all things in life, there will come a time to go. And when it was Helen’s time, she found herself at the Pearly Gates greeted by none other than Saint Peter himself.
One thing that she had missed in her time on Earth was her first husband. They were childhood sweethearts and were madly in love with each other since seventh grade. They got married once they were out of college but he was taken away just three years into their marriage. She had since remarried but had always wondered what it would have been like to go through life with her first husband.
“Would it be possible for me to meet John, my first husband?” she asked. “He died quite a few years ago.”
“What is his last name?”
“Smith,” she replied. “I’m really looking forward to seeing him, it really has been such a long time.”
“We have quite a few John Smith’s here. And we don’t keep any records as to who was husband and wife on Earth, so it could take a little time to track him down. Would you happen to know what his last words were?”
Helen was silent for a moment. “John was always a little possessive and insisted that he was the only one for me. But, in return, he treated me like a queen. I remember his last words were that he would roll over in his grave if I ever slept with another man after he was gone.”
"Oh, I know him!" said Saint Peter. "Your husband’s *Whirling* John Smith!"
Through a computer error, a man and a woman who have never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It was already 1 am, and the conductor told them that the train was full and that there was no spare bunks left.
Since both of them were unattached, and it was late, they decided to make the best of it that night and get things sorted out in the morning. The woman took the top bunk and the man made himself comfortable on the bottom bunk.
They had just switched off the light and said their good nights when the woman felt a little cold. As she was snuggled up nicely in her bunk, she was too lazy to get out and climb down the ladder to get the spare blanket.
In the sweetest voice she could muster, she called out to the man, “I'm kinda cold. Would you be a dear and get the spare blanket out of the cupboard for me?”
The man had no intention of getting out of his nice warm bunk, sweet voice or no sweet voice. He replied, “I've got a better idea, let’s pretend that we are married.”
The woman had heard that nights on the Siberian tundra can be pretty cold and the heaters on the train didn’t seem to be doing too much heating, so she thought that she won’t mind a little body heat. “Sure, why not?” she giggled.
“Okay,” the man said. “Go get your own blanket.”
The Henpecked Husband
After a particularly rousing session at his self-help group for henpecked husbands, a married man decided that enough is enough and that the little lady is not going to tell him what to do that weekend. He sent her an SMS on Friday evening that he was going out with the boys and not to expect him back until Sunday evening.
They went bowling that Friday, followed by fishing on Saturday and a few rounds of miniature golf on Sunday. And during all that time, everybody was impressed that his wife did not even dare to call or SMS him. It was probably because his phone was switched off, but he didn’t tell them that.
On Sunday evening, the man finally walked in the front door of his house. His wife was sitting on the couch waiting for him, and she calmly motioned to him to take a seat.
His wife said, “You have not seen me for the past three days. Were you happy during the three days?”
The man decided that honesty was the best policy and he replied, “Yes, I was.”
“I understand that sometimes a man needs time for himself,” the wife continued. “Would you rather that you don’t see me for the next few days?”
The husband couldn’t believe this new and improved wife that was talking to him then. All the fibers of his being told him that something was not right and that he’d better get down on his knees and start grovelling, but the new man in him decided that it was time he took charge.
“I think that would be nice,” he replied.
He didn’t see his wife for the rest of that Sunday evening.
Monday came and went, and the man didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday came, and then it went, and the man still didn’t see his wife.
Wednesday passed, and his wife was still nowhere in sight.
Finally, on Thursday, the swelling went down a little and he could just see her out of the corner of his left eye.
A couple was having a discussion about living wills and the man declared, “I don’t want to be kept alive in an artificial state. If the worst should happen and I need a machine and fluids to keep me alive, I want you to pull the plug.”
“But I don’t know if I can,” the woman replied. “So long as you are still living and breathing, there is always the chance that you can come back to me.”
“Stop the fluids and unplug the machine,” the man insisted. “If I was meant to live, I would find a way back to you without the fluids and the machine.”
“Well, since you insist,...” The woman got up, unplugged the television set and threw away all his beer.