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The Best Jokes About Children
It is surprising, and perhaps sad, that many of the jokes about children on the Internet, while focusing on the innocence of children, are rather risque in nature. I have taken the best of the jokes, filtered out the objectionable ones, and put them all together here for your enjoyment.
Deep in a forest, there was a little turtle who began to climb a tree. Higher and higher he went, until he could go no higher. He took a look down and was terrified as he couldn’t even see the ground. But he gritted his teeth, started waving his tiny arms in the air, and stepped off the branch.
Down he went, passed a pair of birds, hitting a poor monkey on the head and bouncing off a few tree branches before finally hitting the ground with a loud thud.
The little turtle was a little dazed, but after taking a few minutes’ rest, started to climb up the tree again. Up he went, pass the poor monkey nursing a bump on his head, pass the pair of birds who were looking a little concerned, until finally he was at the top of the tree again.
This time, looking very determined, the little turtle didn’t even bother to take a look down. He gritted his teeth, started waving his arms in the air, and stepped off the branch.
Down he went, passed the pair of birds, passed the monkey who was smart enough to get out of the way this time, bounced off a few tree branches and landed not too far from where he landed the first time.
The little turtle popped his head out of his shell, looked around to see where he was, and headed straight for the tree again. He climbed pass the amused monkey, pass the pair of birds who were looking more and more concerned, until finally, he was at the top yet again.
Then, one of the birds turned to the other and said, “Dear, I really think it’s time that we tell him that he’s adopted.”
There was this boy who was afraid of the dark. And then, on one very dark and stormy night, his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The boy’s eyes grew big and in a voice that wavered ever so slightly, he asked, “Out there?”
“Yes, out there on the back porch,” replied the mother. “Remember what the teacher said in Sunday school? She said that there is nothing to be afraid of, because Jesus will be with us always, to protect us from all the monsters of the dark.”
“Even right this minute?” The boy had to be sure as monsters of the dark are scary creatures.
“Jesus is out there on our back porch right now, making sure that you are safe from the monsters of the dark.”
Reassured, the boy marched to the back door. He opened it a crack, took a peep outside and all of his resolve disappeared. It was quite a dark and moonless night, and the distant rumblings of thunder made the night even darker and scarier.
But, remembering what his mother said, he opened the door just a bit more and called out into the darkness, “Hello Jesus, if you don’t mind, can you pass me the broom?”
During half time at a hockey game, the coach pulled aside one of his 7-year-old players for a little chat.
“Do you understand what cooperation is? Do you know what a team is?”
The boy nodded his head.
“Do you understand that it is the team that matters? Do you understand that sometimes, I have to make a decision that is not good for a single player, but good for the team?”
Again the boy nodded his agreement and understanding.
“Do you also understand that when the referee calls a penalty, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, throw stuff at him or call him rude names?"
The boy looked the coach in the eye and again nodded.
“And lastly, when I call you off the ice so that another kid can play, it is just not right to call your coach a potato head. Do you agree?”
The boy agreed.
"Okay," said the coach. "Now I want you to go out to the stands and explain all that to your mother."
It was very rare to have a time in which everyone was in town and available. As a family of high-fliers, most of the time, half of the family would be out of town while the other half would be too busy working to even consider a family gathering.
So, Louise invited everyone over to grandma’s for a weekend dinner and, everybody managed to turn up. When everybody was seated at the table, grandma and Louise started serving the food.
When Louise’s 8-year-old son, Logan, received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Logan, wait for everybody. We need to say our prayers first before eating,” Louise whispered to him.
“There’s no need,” Logan replied. “It’s safe here.”
Everybody was intrigued. What did Logan mean when he said that it’s safe at grandma’s house?
“Logan, what do you mean ‘It’s safe here’ ?“ Bob’s wife asked.
"Well, at our house, before we eat, we have to say a prayer....just in case,” Logan explained. “But since this is grandma’s house, there is no need to say a prayer. That’s ‘cause grandma knows how to cook.”
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
Her mother sat her down, took out the bible and told her about how God first created the universe, and then the plants and animals, and eventually Adam was created, followed by Eve to keep Adam company.
“And it was from these two man and woman that the rest of the human race came about.” The mother said. “Now scoot, I got things to do.”
The little girl had some unanswered questions so she went to her father and asked the same question.
Her father invited the little girl to his study, took down a science book, and proceeded to explain how the Earth started completely lifeless, and how, in time, the first life started, and how it eventually evolved into monkeys and then to man himself.
“So, do you have any questions?” Her father asked.
The poor girl, who was now totally confused, managed a feeble smile and lied, “No, Daddy. You explained it very well.”
She went back to her mother and poured her heart out. “Mummy, Daddy said that we came from the sea. He said that there was fish in the sea, and then the fish had legs and they became animals. And the animals gave birth to monkeys and the monkeys gave birth to us....or something like that.”
“But you said that God created us,” the little girl continued.
“Actually, it’s very simple,” mummy answered. “Daddy was talking about his side of the family and I was talking about my side of the family.”
There was this little fellow who goes by the name of Junior who can usually be found at Tim’s Grocery Store. He doesn’t talk much, and he doesn’t seem to have any friends, but the kids from the local school would usually tease him with a game they made up specially for him.
One of them would offer him a nickel and a dime, one on the palm of each hand. And they will ask him to choose one. He would look carefully at each one of the coins, and in the end, he would always take the nickel.
And they would laugh, and cast knowing glances at each other, and all in all, act like the idiots that they were. One of them would explain, in a loud voice, that the nickel must be worth more than the dime - because it is bigger. And they would laugh all over again.
One day, after they had played their game and left, Tim turned to Junior and asked, “Do you know that they are making fun of you? Why do you always choose the nickel? Is it because it’s bigger?”
“No,” Junior replied. “If I were to take the dime, they would stop playing their stupid game.”