The Best Jokes About Heaven And Hell
When I started to write the introduction to this hub, I realized that all the jokes below and all the jokes that I have read looking for the best jokes about Heaven and Hell are actually about the Christian version of heaven and hell. If anybody knows of a non-Christian version of a heaven and hell joke, let me know and I might just include it here or in another hub. In the meantime, I hope you all have a laugh or two.
Three Marines died instantly when their chopper was hit by a rocket propelled grenade. They found themselves at the Pearly Gates where Jesus himself was there to greet them.
The Lord spoke unto them and he said, “I will ask each one of you one simple question. If you tell the truth, you shall pass and Heaven awaits. If you lie, Satan is ever willing, ready and able to welcome you.”
Jesus turned to the first man and asked, “Captain William Hains, you have been married to your wife for 9 years. During your marriage, have you ever cheated on your wife?”
“No, Lord. She was the best wife a man could have. How could I have cheated on her? In our 9 years of marriage, I did not cheat on her even once.”
The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you to pass, for your faithfulness, I will reward you with a huge mansion and a limo to get you around.”
He turned to the second man, “Sergeant Duncan Armstrong, you have been married to your wife for close to five years. Have you ever been unfaithful to her?”
“Just once,” said Sergeant Armstrong. “And I have been eaten by guilt ever since.”
“You are telling the truth,” The Lord replied. “You can pass but you only get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.”
“All right,” the Lord turned to the last man. “Lance Corporal Max Steel, you have been married for just over a year. How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
Lance Corporal Max Steel hung his head and said in a quiet voice, “Five times, dear Lord. And I’m not proud of it.”
“You have been truthful and I shall allow you to pass,” the Lord said. “But you only get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for transportation.”
A few hours later, the men bumped into each other when they were out for a jog at the park. The first man, the guy who got the mansion, was crying his eyes out.
“Hey, you got the mansion and the limo, what’s wrong?” Sergeant Armstrong asked.
The first man replied, “I just saw my wife a couple of minutes ago, and she was riding a skateboard.”
There was this guy who found himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St Peter was there to meet him and explained that there are some criteria that has to be meet before admission is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Did he believe in God? Did he pray? Did he attend church?
The man said that he wasn’t much for God and the only god that he believed in when he was alive was money.
St Peter responded with a rather ominous, “Hmmm...”
But undeterred, St Peter continued, “Since your god was money, perhaps you were generous? Perhaps you gave money to charity, or to the needy, or extended loans to your friends when they needed some cash?”
“Sorry,” the man replied. “I couldn’t have enough of money. While I was one of the richest man in my country, I never gave a single cent to charity, or the needy, or lent any money to friends.”
“Hmmm....,” St Peter said, even more ominously. “But you must have done something good in your life. Everybody who ends up in front of these gates is inherently good. Tell me just one thing good that you did and you can pass.”
The man thought really hard. He really wanted to get in. In his life, he wasn’t a bad person, but he just didn’t go out of his way to do anything good. He lived alone and he worked alone, so he didn’t even have that many friends. He was really struggling to think of something good that he did in his life. And then he remembered something...
“I got it,” the man said. “There was this time when I came out of the store and saw a little old lady surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. One of them them had taken her purse and the rest was just pushing her around as she tried to run away.”
“I got so mad that I went up to the biggest and meanest of the Hell’s Angels and accused him of being a coward. I told him that if he wasn’t such a coward, he would pick on somebody his own size instead of a poor defenseless old lady. And I said that that went for the rest of the Hell’s Angels too.”
“Wow! I think that qualifies as a good deed. Welcome to Heaven! By the way, how did the Hell’s Angels incident turn out?”
“Actually, I’m not sure,” the man said. “All the Hell’s Angels were looking at me and the meanest one came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. The next thing I remember, I’m here in front of these gates and talking to you.”
After a long and successful career, a high powered and highly successful executive was given the gold watch and told that it was time for her to retire. As she walked out of her office building for the last time, she was so sad that she didn’t see where she was going and walked straight into an oncoming bus.
She then found herself face to face with St Peter who was checking his PDA. “It says here that you get to choose whether you want to stay in Heaven or in Hell,” he said.
“That’s easy,” she said. “I choose Heaven.”
“It also says here that you must stay in each place for 24 hours first before you make your decision.” St Peter said.
“No need for the trouble,” she said. “Heaven’s just fine for me.”
“Sorry,” St Peter said. “Rules are rules.” With that St Peter ushered her to an elevator, told her to press the down button and that he would expect her back in 24 hours.
She got into the elevator and pressed the down button. The doors closed, and when they opened again, she found herself on the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In front of her were all her friends - fellow executives who had passed on, and whom she knew and loved. They all looked great and they spent the best part of the afternoon talking about old times.
In the evening, there was a dinner in her honour and the devil himself attended. She had to admit that he was pretty good looking and she found herself wondering if he was single. He was a great host and actually laughed at all her jokes.
She was having a great time but all too soon, her 24 hours was over. All her friends were there to see her off as she stepped into the elevator and pressed the up button.
The elevator doors opened and she found herself in Heaven. There was nothing much to do in Heaven. She got to laze around, sing and play the harp the whole day long. She found that it was a great change to have nothing to do, and so much time to do it in.
All too soon, her 24 hours in Heaven was up and she found herself in front of the Pearly Gates again. St Peter greeted her and asked, “So, where will it be? Heaven or Hell?”
The executive paused for a moment. Heaven was great, but having nothing for the whole of eternity could be pretty boring. So she told St Peter, “I never thought I’d say this, but I choose Hell.”
St Peter again ushered her to the elevator and she pressed the down button. When the doors opened, she found herself not on the putting green but on a desolate wasteland littered with garbage. Her friends were there too. They were picking up the garbage and did not even bother to acknowledge her - and they didn’t look happy at all.
The devil was there too and he said, “Welcome to Hell!”
“I don’t understand,” she stammered. “This is not what I signed up for. I think I’m in the wrong place. Hell is supposed to have golf courses, and country clubs, and 5 star suites, and all the good stuff. This place is hell.”
“Ahhh,” the devil smiled. “We were recruiting then. Today, you have been hired.”
Three buddies were out scuba diving when their boat capsized and all three of them drowned. They found themselves in a huge hall full of all kinds of people. The receptionist told them that they have been admitted to Heaven but before they go there, there are some forms that they had to fill in.
One of the forms was about their funeral. They had a choice of whether they wanted to be present and one of the questions asked was, “When your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy wrote, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy wrote, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The third guy wrote, "I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He's moving!’ "
There was this fellow who died and found himself at the Pearly Gates. Apparently, it was a busy day as there were floods in Australia, a hurricane in Florida and a devastating earthquake in Japan. There was a long queue at the gates and he joined the end of the line.
When his turn came, St Peter asked for his name, consulted his clipboard, and said, “Sir, you’ll have to take a seat.”
He dutifully took a seat and watched as St Peter admitted hundreds of souls. After a few hours, he thought St Peter had forgotten about him. As he was getting up, St Peter looked over to him and said, “Sir, you’ll have to be patient. It’s going to be a while.”
Days passed, and gradually the queue got shorter. Finally, there was a lull and the man decided to go up to St Peter and ask him about the delay.
“You have been good and you have a place in Heaven,” St Peter told him. “You had chronic lymphocytic leukemia and died of the side effects of the treatment that you were undergoing. You were into cryonics and had your body frozen in the hopes that they can find a cure some time in the future.”
“Well,” St Peter continued. “They will find a cure in the year 2436. In 2437, they will thaw out your body, cut off your head and place it on a new body, and you will go back to earth to continue your life.”
“So, while we are waiting for that to happen, please take a seat. Like I said, it’s going to be a while.”
Seymour lived his life as a good and pious man and when he passed away, he was admitted into Heaven and was given a residence next to the Lord himself.
On the evening of his first day in Heaven, the Lord called him and asked him if he would like to come over for dinner. Seymour agreed and he walked over to the Lord’s residence for dinner.
The Lord met him at the door and ushered him into the dining hall. The dining hall was a grand hall with chandeliers, an enormous fireplace and elaborate furnishings. Hanging over the fireplace was a mirror, and the Lord told him that the mirror showed him everything that is going on in Hell.
As it was just the two of them, they took a seat next to each other on the grand dining table and the Lord asked him if he liked tuna. He opened a can of tuna and they both shared the can of tuna over glasses of plain water.
Seymour looked at the mirror over the fireplace, and he could see that dinner in Hell was a grand affair with steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next evening, Seymour got the same invitation to dinner, and dinner was again a can of tuna. In Hell, it was another grand affair with caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
On the third evening, when they were having yet another can of tuna and Hell was engaging in another feast, Seymour could restrain himself no longer and asked the Lord, “I am very happy to be here as a reward for the good life I had lived. But why is it that we only eat tuna here but the bad people get to eat like kings in Hell?”
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord replied. "With just the two of us in Heaven, it really doesn’t pay to cook."