The Best Mother-In-Law Jokes
Mother-in-laws are the butt of many jokes, and I’m sure that even the very best mother-in-law is sometimes bad enough to deserve of the jokes. And while these are just jokes, I thank my lucky stars that I do not have to find out firsthand if a mother-in-law is really as bad as these jokes make her out to be.
A Son-In-Law's Love for His Mother-In-Law
During their holiday in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. It wasn’t totally unexpected as she was old and frail, and the doctor had said that her time was limited. She was in Jerusalem as her last wish was to visit it before it was her time.
It was quite a hassle contacting the proper authorities, getting certification for her death, and making sure all proper procedures were followed but after five days, he managed to get everything done. He was told that the final step would be to approach the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the US for a proper burial.
The Consul was sympathetic, and after offering his sincere condolences, told George that sending her mother-in-law back to the States is going to be very expensive. He didn’t have the exact amount at hand, but it will be in the region of $5000, give or take a few hundred dollars.
The Consul offered the alternative of a local burial. She would be buried on land owned by Israel, but under an agreement between Israel and the United States government, the land is guaranteed to remain as a burial ground for the next one hundred years.
George thought for a moment and decided against a local burial. “I’ll foot the bill. Just let me know how much and the relevant documents that you need.”
“You must love your mother-in-law very much,” the Consul said.
“I do but it’s not that,” George said. “You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried right here in Jerusalem. After three days he rose from the dead! I just can't take that chance with my mother-in-law.”
The Dying Man
Stephen had an inkling that something was wrong when he had a fever that won’t go away. But he refused to see a doctor claiming that he was just battling a super strong bug. Before long, other symptoms like nausea, vomiting and dizziness developed and he could no longer postpone a trip to the doctor.
After numerous CAT scans, X-rays, blood tests and MRIs, the doctor told him the bad news. He had a particular malignant form of cancer, and patients at his stage of the disease would normally have about six months to live. The good news was that the symptoms can be controlled, and he should have a relatively good quality of life until the very end. The doctor advised Stephen to put his affairs in order and to live the last months of his life to the fullest possible.
Stephen thought for a moment and replied, “I hear you, Doc. I think I’ll go and stay with my mother-in-law.”
“Of all the people, why your mother-in-law? I thought you told me that you are not exactly her favorite son-in-law?” The doctor asked.
“Right,” Stephen said. “These last six months will be the longest six months of my life.”
The Lion's the One in Trouble
A big-game hunter took his wife and mother-in-law on safari. It was quite an enjoyable experience and his mother-in-law turned out to be quite the intrepid hunter. In fact, he found himself bonding well with her and was teaching her the tricks of the trade.
On the last night of the safari, his wife woke him up and told him that she couldn’t find her mother. She was worried that her mother had wandered off into the jungle on her own as she had jokingly talked about doing her first solo.
So, the hunter, along with his wife, took off into the jungle to look for his mother-in-law. On a hunch, he headed for a clearing that they had spotted earlier in the day and he’d told her that that would be a good spot for a night hunt.
When they reached the clearing, they came upon a chilling sight. In the clear moonlight, they could see his mother-in-law standing face to face with a large male lion. They were barely a meter apart, and both of them were motionless, staring into each other’s eyes.
The wife whispered, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," the husband whispered back. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
The True Mother-In-Law
The wise King Solomon was holding court one day when two women crashed into the court dragging a young man between them.
“This young man agreed to marry my daughter, …” The first woman said.
“No, he agreed to marry MY daughter,” The second woman interrupted.
And they begun arguing with each laying claim to the young man as her son-in-law.
The King called for silence and questioned each of the women in turn and then he questioned the young man. The King was a wise and intelligent man but for the life of him, he couldn’t find anything to favor one woman over the other.
So he called for his biggest sword and said, “I can’t find any reason to bestow this young man to one of you over the other. So, with this sword, I shall cut him in half and you shall both have one half of him.”
“If I can’t have all of him, one half of him will do just fine,” the first woman said.
“No! If there is no other way, then I withdraw my claim,” the second woman said.
“Then,” the King said turning to the first woman. “You shall have this young man as your son-in-law.”
The King’s court was quick to raise a protest, “But she was ready to see him killed.”
"Indeed," said the wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
The Mother-In-Law's Insult
It had been an exceptionally peaceful and uneventful day at work and the man came home hoping to round off the day with a cold beer and some sports action on television. But he walked in the door to find his favorite lady crying.
“What’s the manner dear?” he said. “What got you so upset?”
“Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
“My mother? She’s on vacation halfway across the world and she promised not to call as it’s too expensive. Did she call and say something?”
“No,” the woman said. “A letter from her arrived today addressed to you. Remember that when we got married you said that we should share everything, and that what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is yours? Well, I got curious and thought that you won’t mind if I opened the letter and read it.”
“What did she say?” The man was puzzled as her mother had always liked Diane. “She has always said nice things about you, even when you were not around. What could she have said that upset you so?”
“See for yourself,” Diane thrust the letter into her husband’s hands. “Read the last line.”
The man took the letter and read the last line, “PS Dear Diane, please don’t forget to give this letter to my son after you have read it.”
A Mother and the Daughter-In-Law
It had been a long and sometimes arduous courtship. There were many happy moments, and some sad ones, but finally, after everything had been said and done, the man decided that Linda is the girl that he wanted as his wife.
Being the perennial joker, he decided to make Linda’s introduction to his mother a little different. He would bring Linda, along with 2 other women to meet his mother, and see if she can figure out which one is to be his bride.
So, after telling all three women to say that they loved him very much and wanted to marry him, James brought Mary, Linda and Georgina to meet his mother. James’ mother and the three women sat down and had a nice pleasant chat, during which his mother made no attempt to determine any of the women’s feelings for James.
After the women left, James asked his mother, “So, who do you think it is?”
Without hesitating, James’ mother said, “Linda.”
“Wow, how did you know?” James said.
“I don’t like her.”
The Man Who Was not Afraid of the Devil
In his sermon, the pastor was talking about the fear of Satan and how, when we fear Satan, we actually play right into his hands. He said that we should stand firm in the face of evil, and if Satan himself was to appear in the church right then, we should look Satan in the eye and stare him down.
Just at the moment after the pastor said those words, there was a shimmering in the air next to the pastor. It looked a little like in the sci-fi movies when someone was opening a wormhole and trying to come through. And suddenly, Satan appeared right next to the pastor.
And Satan spoke in a slow and deliberate manner, “So, pastor, are you going to stare me down?”
There was a dead silence in the church as the pastor looked at Satan. Satan is a big and tall guy, and when they were standing face to face, the pastor was staring at Satan’s chest. And it was a chest that will put any bodybuilder to shame.
“Well,” thundered Satan. “Are you even going to looking me in the eye?”
And the pastor bolted. He ran straight down the center aisle and out the door. And amazingly, throughout all this, everybody was rooted to their seats. Nobody fainted, or screamed, or ran.
Satan turned and faced the congregation. Every part of his body is bright red in colour and he seemed to emit a strange unearthly glow. He has two small horns growing out of his head, and pointed ears like a Vulcan we know and love. His most notable feature are his eyes, eyes that can look right through you and drag you into a bottomless pit.
“So, who else wants to look me in the eye and stare me down?”
And that did it. Everybody panicked and the room was cleared in 30 seconds flat.
Except for an elderly gentleman in the front row who didn’t seem too concerned about running away or staring Satan in the eye.
“Do you know who I am?” Satan was now staring straight at the man, expecting him to turn tail and run at any moment.
“Hmmm, horns, bright red colour, unpleasant personality, I think I do.” The man replied.
“And you are not afraid of me?” The devil growled.
“Nope,” the man nonchalantly replied.
“And WHY?!?!” Satan was practically boiling with rage at this puny human who was not afraid of him, the ruler of the Underworld.
“I had your sister as my mother-in-law for the past 40 years. You’re just a pussycat compared to her.”