The Best Office Jokes
We practically spend half of our waking hours at work or in the office. With the economic situation getting from bad to worse, and employers paying less and expecting more, many of us actually spend more hours in the office than at home. While I can’t help you spend less hours at the office, I can at least supply you with office jokes so that you will be the star at the water cooler.
A man walked into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The owner points him to 3 identical looking parrots and said, “The one on the left costs $500, the middle one is $1,000 and the right one is $2,000.”
“Wow, these are expensive parrots! Why do they cost so much?”
“Well,” the shop owner said, “the left one can use the computer and is familiar with all the popular software programs.”
“The one in the middle,” continued the shop owner, “can also use the computer and is also familiar with all the popular software programs. In addition, it can also install software packages and reinstall Windows when it acts up.”
The customer was suitably impressed. “For $2,000, the parrot on the right must practically be able to design and build a computer.”
“Actually,” the shop owner replied, “I don’t know what the one on the right does. He sorta just sits around and doesn’t do much. But the other 2 parrots call him ‘Boss!’ “
The Surprising Chinese
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired to work at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Scotsman, he said, "You're in charge of sweeping." He turned to the Chinese guy and said, "You're in charge of supplies."
“I gotta go for a bit,” he continued. “I would expect that you guys make a dent in that pile when I come back.”
A few hours later he came back to find the pile of sand exactly the way that he left it. Both the Italian and the Scotsman were sitting in the shade chatting about how hot it was.
He stormed up to them and asked, “I thought I told you to shovel and sweep up that pile of sand. Why are you sitting here doing nothing?”
“We would be shoveling and sweeping except that we simply can’t find any shovels or brooms,” the Italian answered. “And the Chinese guy that you put in charge of supplies is nowhere to be found.”
The foreman was in the mood to fire somebody but they did have an excuse not to do their work. He went off to look for the Chinese to see if he can fire him instead. The foreman looked all over the construction site but the Chinese guy was nowhere to be found.
Finally, as he was returning to his trailer, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind an excavator and yelled, “SUPPLIES!!!”
A large corporation recently decided to do some serious cost cutting. A recruitment team traveled to Melanesia and recruited 4 cannibals. They spoke English, were surprising well educated and were reputed to be very hard workers. All they wanted was an all-you-can-eat buffet at each mealtime, and they will work for free.
They were given the usual office tour on their first day and the HR representative gave them a short briefing, “You are all part of our team now. As agreed, we will provide you with an all-you-can-eat buffet at breakfast, lunch and dinner at the office cafe. But there will be no eating of our company’s employees. Other actions like biting, licking and smelling are also strongly discouraged. Do we have an agreement?”
All 4 of the cannibals agreed not to be cannibals and they got down to work. They proved to be very hard workers and were well worth all the food that they consumed during mealtimes.
During the monthly feedback session, their supervisor complimented them on their work ethic and told them that, “I’m going to recommend that all 4 of you be given an A+ grade for your performance. By the way, one of our secretaries has gone missing. I hope that none of you has gone back to your old habits.” All 4 of the cannibals shook their heads.
Later, when they were alone, the leader of the cannibals confronted them, “All right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks, we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you just had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"
Airman Jones was posted to an airbase in a central Asian country where he advised fresh recruits about their government benefits. Part of his job was also to promote GI Insurance, which he did extremely well. Almost everyone that he spoke to bought the insurance, and many even added riders and increased the cover. Considering that the average take up rate was about 40%, Airman Jones was an exceptional salesman.
He caught the attention of Colonel Briggs in HQ who was curious as to how Jones was so effective. Casual enquiries about the background of Jones revealed that he was an average kid in an average town who, just like most other airmen, just wanted to be a pilot and see the world. In other words, there seemed to be nothing special about Jones.
The colonel decided that a 95% conversion rate was worth enduring a flight on a C-130 to Kyrgyzstan in Afghanistan to see for himself. He arrived at the classroom just as Airman Jones was summarizing the benefits of GI Insurance.
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the US government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI Insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only the maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think will be sent into battle first?”
Need the Day Off to Help His Wife
It was at the end of a very busy day at the office when John went to see his manager.
“Hey boss,” he said. “I hope you can do me a huge favor. I know we are going to be swamped for the next couple of days but as we have been doing a little redecorating at home, Katie really needs my help tomorrow with some heavy moving, cleaning and painting. Is there any way I can get the day off tomorrow?”
The manager pondered for a moment. Although he is John’s boss, John and Katie were good friends and he knew John won’t ask unless he had no other choice. But, as a manager, he also has responsibilities to the company and to the others under his charge, and he felt that there was no way he could justify giving John the day off the next day.
“I’m sorry, John,” the manager said. “Katie will just have to manage without you.”
John was surprisingly cheerful. “Thanks for the favor, boss!”
Picking a Starting Salary
At the end of a job interview, the manager asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And to conclude, what is the starting salary that you have in mind?”
The MBA pondered for a moment and said, “I know that it might seem just a tad high, but given my excellent results, I think that something in the neighbourhood of $100,000 per year should be reasonable. Of course, that’s dependent on the benefits package.”
The manager took a second look at the MBA’s results and said, “You do have excellent results. What about a package of 1 month’s paid vacation twice a year, full medical and dental coverage, a yearly bonus of 50% of your salary, an expense account and a company car.”
The MBA was beside herself. “Wow! I hope you are not kidding. Where do I sign?”
“Actually, I am kidding,” the manager said. “But you started it.”