The Best Sports Jokes
Many jokes about sports tend to focus on the details about the sports themselves, so if you are clueless about sports, and the teams playing, you probably are not going to get the joke. I’m not that much better myself, so you can rest assured that any joke that I consider to be among the best jokes about sports would only require a very basic knowledge about sports. With that in mind, enjoy!
After 50 years on the job, the company gave Frank a gold watch and wished him a happy retirement. His colleagues gave him a set of golf clubs and his wife, having mixed feelings about Frank being at home all the time, pitched in with paid lessons with a golf pro.
Frank was the epitome of a workaholic. During his fifty years on the job, he lived and breathed his work and nothing else. Ask him anything about his job, and Frank was always up to speed. Ask him anything not connected to his job, and the village idiot would know more about it than Frank.
Golf had nothing to do with or related to Frank’s job. So, when Frank arrived at the country club for his first lesson, he knew absolutely nothing about golf, except that it had something to do with the clubs that his colleagues had given him.
Having established that Frank was a complete beginner, the pro decided to let Frank have a go at the game to have an idea of Frank’s abilities. He showed Frank how to hit the ball and told Frank to have a go at it.
“Just hit the ball so that it will land on the green patch with the flag on it.” the pro said.
“Okay,” Frank said. He teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the flag.
"Now what?" Frank asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... the ball is supposed to go into the cup, where the flag is." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," Frank said in a disgusted tone.
Two college basketball players were taking an important exam. They are not too bright, but they play really great basketball. And to remain on the team, they have to pass that exam, or they are out of the team and their future as professional basketball players is all but down the drain.
The first question was an easy one, to make way for the harder ones later on in the paper. The topic was nursery rhymes, and all they had to do was to fill in the missing word.
The question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He isn’t good at nursery rhymes, or anything else other than basketball for that matter. But he’s good at food too, and he knows that you can get a hamburger at McDonald’s, so he thought that the answer could be hamburger but he wanted to be sure.
Tiny was seated just next to him. So, when the professor was not looking, he whispered to Tiny, “Hey, what’s the answer to the first question?”
“Farm, you Bubba. Old MacDonald had a FARM.” Tiny whispered back.
Bubba was glad he asked. He really wanted to stay on the team and he needed every single correct answer he can get. He turned to his paper and started to write “farm” and then realized that he didn’t know how to spell the word.
The professor was still looking out the window so Bubba whispered to Tiny again, “How do you spell farm?”
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
A couple was in love and as it is with all couples in love, they wanted to share everything. The guy was taking an interest in how she bleached her hair while the lady, who did not have even one sporting bone in her body, was taking an interest in football, a sport which the guy is a diehard fan of.
So, in the spirit of sharing everything, she accepted her boyfriend’s invitation to her first live football game.
The girl’s knowledge of football was close to nil, so during the game her boyfriend updated her with what was going on and who was winning and who was losing. She had to admit that a live game is very different from seeing it on television. And from the running commentary that her boyfriend provided, she was making some sense of what was going on.
During drinks after the game, she told him, “I found that I actually enjoyed the game, and thanks for explaining to me what was happening. What I don’t understand is that why they chase each other for a quarter?”
"What do you mean?" the puzzled boyfriend asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!' "
There were two buddies, Bob and Earl, and they were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Between the two of them, they probably know more about baseball than anybody else in the country.
It was over drinks at Earl’s place when they were discussing baseball pitching techniques when Earl casually mentioned that Heaven is going to be a pretty boring place without baseball. But Bob, forever the optimist, wasn’t so sure. Since Heaven is a great place and baseball is a great game, he reasoned that there should be baseball in Heaven.
While they can’t agree on whether there is baseball in Heaven, they agreed that no one can be sure. So, that night, they made a pact that whoever made it to Heaven first would attempt to contact the other, and tell him whether there is baseball in Heaven.
Some years passed and Bob got sick. Earl was at his deathbed and Bob whispered to him, “When I get there, I’ll come back and tell you about the baseball.” Bob then closed his eyes for the last time and drifted away.
Some days later, when he was enjoying a baseball game on television, Earl thought he heard Bob’s voice. He turned down the volume and asked, “Bob? Are you here?”
“Yes, I’m here,” Bob replied. “It’s really nice on this side.”
“Wow, you are really here. So, tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?” Earl asked.
“Well,” Bob said. “There’s baseball in Heaven but I have some bad news for you.”
“How can you have any bad news?” Earl was ecstatic. “You just told me the best news ever.”
“The bad news is that you are pitching tomorrow night.”
God and the devil was having an argument. Satan wanted to renegotiate The Agreement he had with God about the good people going to Heaven and the bad people going to Hell. Hell is getting to full of bad people and he is just sick and tired of dealing with murders, armed robbery, burglaries and all the rest of the bad things that bad people do.
Satan was proposing a sort of exchange program in which some good people go to stay in Hell for a while and some bad people go up to Heaven. That way, Satan was hoping that some of the good will rub off, and he will get some respite from all the crimes and sins in Hell.
But God will have none of it. He’s got a good thing going in Heaven, and he doesn’t want any bad people teaching his good people any tricks. The fiasco at the Garden of Eden is still fresh in his mind and he doesn’t want a repeat.
But Satan was being really insistent, and God didn’t want another war as he was planning a vacation for the next thousand years, so he challenged Satan to a baseball game. The winner of the game will get his wish.
“You can be sure that you will lose the game,” God said. “All the best players and the best coaches are up in Heaven.”
“You’re right,” Satan said. "But you forgot that we've got all the umpires."
There was a Packers fan who had a really crappy seat. He was so high up in the stands that he had to use a pair of binoculars or he would not be able to see any of the action. During a lull in the action, as he was lazily panning his binoculars, he managed to spot an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Since it was already 15 minutes into the game, he decided that the seat was probably not taken. He slowly made his way down to the seat and he asked the man seated next to it, “Is this seat taken?”
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat but she passed away. She was a big Packers fan. You can sit here if you want."
Thanking the man, and as the fan seated himself, he asked the other man, “I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at her funeral."
A builder and a priest were playing golf together one bright and sunny afternoon. The priest was happy to be out in the sun for a change and he enjoys playing golf, and he was actually pretty good at it. The builder, on the other hand, was terrible at golf. And being the competitive type, he hated losing, especially by such a large margin, and to a priest, no less.
So, every time he missed a shot, he would curse under his breath, “Shit, missed again!”
After he cursed the third time, the priest tapped him on the shoulder and said, “You shouldn’t swear like that, my friend, or God will punish you.”
The builder apologized and said that he would not do it again.
But, at the very next hole, when he missed another shot, it was, “Shit, missed again!” But he did add in a, “Sorry, force of habit.”, immediately after.
And so it went on for the next couple of holes. The builder would miss a shot, and he would swear, and then he would apologise.
And then on the eighteenth hole, the builder missed a putt. And he swore again. Before he had time to give his usual apology, the sky darkened and a bolt of lightning flew out of the blue, hitting the priest and killing him.
And a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"