The Dark Side of the Rainbow--An Alternate Wizard of Oz

Dorothy, a fairly plain child with an ugly dog in the plainly ugly state of Kansas, lived with Auntie M (who couldn’t afford the rest of her name) and some manure-toting pansies.

One day the wind did blow on Dorothy and her rat-dog. They should have been denuded, but they weren’t. It was a nice tornado. So they flew straight up, breaking all laws of physics flew Dorothy and her pup.

They landed on a witch’s head, killing her on the spot. (I bet the witch didn’t have that kind of house insurance). Just think—there she is, ready to fling some magic snot at some undeveloped, vertically-challenged munchkin, when a black and white house flattens her Technicolor body. Some days, you just can’t win.

Dorothy then swaps lollipops with the little people, which we all know is poor oral hygiene, when Glinda the Good Witch floats in and says, “So you’ve killed the nasty, stank b****.”

(She really didn’t say it that way exactly, because back in 1939 you had to say things nicely—what with World War II starting and all).

Dorothy follows a yellow brick road, sees a scarecrow and torches him, sees an aluminum-sided dude and squirts him with acid, sees a Woodstock refugee and shotguns his hairy behind.

(Dorothy, see, had PMS, and back then there wasn’t any Midol around or any man in Dorothy’s life to put down to make her feel better—like now).

Dorothy target-shoots some flying monkeys, melts another witch with some heavy water from Three Mile Island, and meets a wizard with a really big head. The wiz tries to fly Dorothy home in a balloon, but it explodes like the Hindenburg. Dorothy survives, but Toto doesn’t. The little people retrieve Toto’s body from the ground and use him for an accordion.

Finally Glinda the Good Witch wanders in to save the day (she could’ve done that in the first 20 minutes, if you asked me), and has Dorothy click her insensible red pumps together to return to Kansas and all the manure-wearing pansies.

I bet Dorothy wished she could have stayed in Oz, because because because, somewhere over the rainbow she changed her name to Judy and drank herself to death. For real.

Death got you, my pretty …

And at night on the plains of Kansas, if you’re really, really quiet, you can hear the ghost of Dorothy-Judy say, “You can take that rainbow and shove it up your Kansas.”