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The Diary of Blurred Vision

Updated on September 23, 2012

Don’t look at my face
Or the way I walk
Instead read my words
And the way I talk
Have you ever seen tears
Of a grown man
As he passes you by
Trying to find himself again?
The blood that runs through me
Is covered by the sand that falls
I think of death often now
As I hear the afterlife’s calls
There is a fear of loss
The loss of my last chance
The last chance of what I can be
And it’s not about romance
I have no time for compromise
Except for my children’s needs
But no partner may dig up
The sprouts from my seeds
There is nothing you can say
I need no help or suggestion
For what grows unencumbered
Will be wild and free
As the numbers on my days grow
I find what is loneliness to others
Is liberation for me
And my tortured soul brothers
It’s not about what we will do today
Or keeping your boredom at bay
For these things do not come from within
But instead from what you are unable to say
Can you let go
Or do you need what you do not truly love?
As he breathes heavily next to you at night
Do you thank God you are his little dove?
If so I truly envy you
Because I can’t feel that way about anyone
I know it is wrong
Yet what I feel is that kind of love is done
There is a purpose that has enveloped my mind
It is all I can think about
I don’t feel that it is human in form
I believe it is in the seeds that will soon sprout
The further I go into the meaningless of life
The faster I wish to travel
I am surrounded by a blur of black and white
As all of life has become asphalt and gravel
The faces I am able to see are alive and dead
They are the faces of approval of my ways
For they think the same way as I
And are able to walk easily in the maze
A kindred soul never leaves your life
Even as they pass you feel their mind
You remember the words they spoke
And in their passing is the meaning you try to find
Do you know someone from long ago?
Someone beyond sex and beyond commitment
Someone who is the air you breathe
Someone who understood your need for fulfillment
They are always with you even if they are gone
You cannot create this person from another
The empty chair next to you is filled by your soul mates
It is better to be with them than with any other
There are no judgments concerning compatibility
We do not carry each other’s cross
It is not your choice
It is only the courage to risk the loss
You will either lose me or yourself
But if who you are is who I am then what you will find
Is my smiling face walking on the gravel
And man or woman you will be my kind


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    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @ashelladyhawke - are you flying today? :) I love that movie "LadyHawke." Thank you for your comment. I'm glad I can connect with others on this one. That is the point that there are others like me but we can't force it to happen.

      @Nellieanna - Wow! You are too kind to me. I really appreiate it and it made me tear up a bit; I mean it; old macho me... it just means a lot to hear you praise me in such a fashion.

      @Acaetnna - Thank you and I'm glad you weather my less than hopeful outlook on so many of the things that I write. You are always so positive and believing in your love and life; I'm not there but I envy you.

      @Vincent - Thank you my fellow "tortured soul!" It is very much a personal statement and any woman who reads it probably would want to steer clear of me; but the intent is this: no more games, no more changing anyone, no mor econtrol. If we are the same then let us be together. If not, then let us know that and not waste our time. And I also am referencing my soul mates who have passed on. I never have forgotten them and I am understanding more and more how we carry these people with us until the end.

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 5 years ago

      Mark, this is one of your finest, a masterpiece created from a heart and soul who knows and wants love, yet it constantly eludes us. My friend and fellow poet, your imagery is stark. I am deeply moved by your words. I see shades of myself, I feel the sadness, I feel the loss. I've lived and felt most of what you scribe here. You write from your soul as do I and feel each word laid down before us. I pray that you are sound and in a better place, I know when I feel deeply, the wine bottle is close and its nectar swallows me until I wake to the morning sun. Peace and blessings I send to you this day.

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

      Always a great write, I love reading about your experiences and thoughts.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Mark - this is a spectacular writing. Surely it touches on others' experiences, but it's your own which it so vividly communicate. It couldn't be manufactured from the air. You are in this place, in this way as you speak/write it. You're never irresponsible, so it's something meaningful and real. It may not be a plea, but it's needing to be communicated and to be received. It's so well expressed.

    • ashelladyhawke profile image

      Nancy 5 years ago from California

      This poem is like a mirror of my soul. Thank you for your insight as I sometimes lose my way in all this asphalt and gravel that the world has become today.