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The Drivers from Mars (or Saturn or somewhere other than Earth)
Entering the Martian Zone-or simply not of Earth
This article will guide you through the list of out of this world drivers seen on the road by many Earth drivers, maybe even you. Since they can't be from Earth, they must be from Mars (I am clumping it all into one to keep it all simple). Join me as I lead you through the 'Martian Zone' of driving.
Of course, this article is meant to be humorous and does not, in anyway, insult our Earth driver’s who certainly would not do any of the silly and ridiculous things listed here.
"Where did my students go this time? They will never learn how to drive this way! Oh well, what can you expect from Martians?"
We begin with simple things.
These drivers (Martian drivers for clarity) seem to muddle through their time on the road hoping for other drivers to understand that they just don’t know the rules of the road. They don't even seem to know how to maneuver the car in which they travel. Silly of them to be on the road under these conditions, I agree; but can you imagine how awful it would be to be driving a car on the road and have no idea how to make the car do the things you need it to do? The sad part is, once they figure out how to work the car, they still have to figure out how to get where they are going. How sad for them! But, we must be honest with ourselves and admit that even though it is sad, it is also dangerous for us drivers who know the rules of the road so well.
The Cutter Martian is a driver who is constantly cutting people off at the very last minute. They are a sad lot because they don’t even know where they are going until they see the landmark that guides them along. At that point, of course, they are in the wrong lane and must cut directly in front of you to reach the turn. How awful it is to have to hit the brakes as the Martian clears your headlight by mere centimeters. And just imagine how they must feel as they race by hoping you won’t hit them. I think they should really learn to understand the signs that guide the rest of us to our destination (or maybe get better directions). I mean, we do try to help, but we can't look everywhere at once. Sometimes we do have to look at the signs and the road, right? Of course, we would never cut anyone off like that. It would be purely rude, dangerous, and outright crude for Earth drivers to do something like that.
Wrong Way Martian
This driver is notorious for using the exit as an entrance and the entrance as an exit. They are so distraught about their error that they try to convey their appreciation at your understanding by gesturing in the manner that they have seen from others on the road (sadly they use the offensive gestures because, being Martians, they don't know any better). How sad it is to watch them exit their vehicle so they can walk around it to reach the window of the drive-through. I am always saddened when I see them struggling to get back in their car with arms full and then try to find a way out through the line of traffic that has gathered before them (in the correct direction, of course). The loud blaring horns, the shouting from those who are correctly lined up, the anger from the manager when the Martian hits several signs and the bricks under the serving window trying to turn around so he can get out. Such an awful sight. Almost makes you lose your appetite. Almost. Deep inside, I secretly hope I get my chocolate shake before he can get out so I can accidentally spill it on his car. You know, those secret thoughts that you don't do but that makes you smile as you move past the agonizor.
I know it is tough, but could you help me out here?
If you discovered Martians here on our earth, what would you do first?
I'll bet you have met some of the drivers I have been talking about, right?
No Signal Martian
Oh the sadness of this one. The No Signal Martian doesn’t even know that the signals exist. They are constantly turning without any warning to the other drivers on the road. Sadly, they are bumped and tapped from behind because of their lack of warning. I have seen them actually turn bright red right before my eyes as they try to make everyone understand that they didn’t know the turn signals were actually for turning. I think the bright red should be everyone’s warning that they are from Mars. What do you think?
And, of course, there is the opposite: the Signal On Martian
This one is sad because these Martians are trying to follow the rules of the road. They put on their turn signal so they can make a turn and then forget that they put it on. Miles and miles they drive with a turn signal flashing away telling other drivers that they plan to turn in one direction, but they keep moving. Until, suddenly, they find their objective and slam on the brakes catching other drivers off guard. Then, very carefully and slowly, they make their turn in the opposite direction of their signal. Frighteningly sad; poor, poor Martians, don’t you think?
And we Earthlings are so generous and patient with them. We try so hard to understand. But how much longer must we endure these visitors to our world who don't even have the decency to learn how to drive before they actually get into the car.
This Martian driver is always in a hurry no matter where they are going. They are in such a rush that they must pass other drivers that might be in front of them even when it isn’t safe to pass. Sadly, Martians who rush in this manner are usually caught with a red light or a traffic jam that leaves them stranded. I have pulled up behind them often and found that they are lost as to what they can do next. I feel bad that these Martians never get to where they are going when they felt they needed to arrive. Perhaps their clocks run faster than ours.
Snow Speeding Martian
These Martians are a truly magnificent example of the Martian mentality. They acquire a four wheel drive vehicle, whether for safety or speed I can’t really be certain. Then, when the snow is falling and the roads are slick, these Martians will speed past everyone else on the highway or backwoods road feeling confident in their large four wheel drive vehicles. Sadly, these Martians often find themselves sliding off the road just ahead of the traffic that they have passed. And, because of the snow and ice they spewed onto the windshields of the other drivers, no one will stop and offer them help (probably because they are still trying to clear the muck from their windshields). How awful it must be to find oneself in the same predicament every time it snows. I wonder if they will ever learn the lesson here….probably not.
Don't they wonder how we Earthlings manage to maneuver the snowy roads. Don't they wonder how we make it home while they are once more in the ditch waiting for someone to help them? Sadly, even with extra training and guidance, these Marians never seem to learn. ***SIGH*** I guess we are forever doomed to see them pass us with gestures to indicate how wonderful they are, and then snicker a bit as we drive by them on the side of the road, shaking with fear and wondering if they will be able to go back on the road at all.
Maybe this would help...
How I hate to see them as they rush by traffic jams on the highway by riding down the shoulder past the cars that are stuck (possibly wondering why the other cars aren't doing the same). Then they must, somehow, find a way back into traffic when they reach the block and realize they can’t continue traveling on the shoulder. The horns and gestures they make to try to get back in line often keeps them stuck for some time; possibly blocking emergency vehicles that must get through by riding on the open shoulder. How much they must then pay in fines I can’t say; but because they do it so often I do wonder if they get a bulk discount. They do, however, cause more of a jam as they force their way back into the flow of traffic as if they have a right to be there. Apparently they have no patience at all. I wonder if there is a way we could block them from joining the traffic for a long time in an effort to teach them patience? I was just wondering.
Passing Lane-Hog Martian
Somehow these Martians have been taught that the passing lane on a highway is a travel lane for those who are not familiar with the highway. There they move, driving 20 or 30 miles an hour, while long lines of drivers gather behind them. When the horns begin, they smile, believing they are being honored for using the correct lane. The Passing Lane-Hog can drive this lane for hours before finding their exit. Then they race across the actual traveling lane (in front of any traffic that might be there) so that they can get off the highway. Such behavior is so sad because Martians really don’t know any better, right? Perhaps we should ask the police what we can do about these Martians because they cause huge traffic jams. In the cities it is even worse especially during rush hour. Darn Martians!
Have you managed to keep your patience so far after dealing with so many Martians on the road?
Backwoods Road Speeder
This one is very sad indeed. Martians seem to believe that because the roads are empty of street lights there is no speed limit there. They speed past children playing. They speed past animals trying to cross. They speed through pot holes that can cause serious damage to their cars (how sad that is). And they speed through stop signs because they believe they must be alone on the road. At speeds of up to 80 MPH (or more) these Martians seem to have no care in the world. So sad it is that these Martians are often the ones who grumble when other Martians race past their house at outrageous speeds or run into them after running a stop sign on a dark backwoods road. I often wonder if they will ever figure out that the speed limits and warning signs are there for a reason. What do you think? Yeah, you are probably correct. Never, would be the answer. Another ***SIGH*** for we who are so patient and don't do something stupid under the effects of road rage.
And finally, the Tiny Car-Loading Martian
This Martian truly believes that their tiny car can carry anything (I wonder if that is true on Mars). They put mattresses, furniture, long boards, even luggage on the roof of their car and generally tie it down with one piece of rope. It is truly a sight to see them racing down the road as the load they carry rises from the roof of their car. Higher and higher it goes from the force of the wind until the inevitable happens: the item flies from the roof. The danger the Martian has caused at this point is really not their fault, is it? I mean they did put the item on the roof and then secure it (sloppily, but that must be how they do it on Mars, right). Or could they actually see the roads differently; or the cars; or the loads? Or are they just incapable of understanding the concept? Wouldn't it be just a wonderful thing, though, to see several of the Martians traveling together with items tied to the tops of their cars as they speed along. When the inevitable happens, we are right there to witness the whole thing. How satisfyingly wonderful would that be, theoretically speaking, of course.
© 2013 Cheryl Simonds