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The Funniest Jokes

Updated on November 17, 2009

To Split Thy Sides

 Everyone needs a good joke every now and again. Everyone does. The lunch lady, the Biology II teacher, the assistant principal, the superintendent, the CEO, your boss, his boss, even the president. If you're feeling stressed, overworked, or your sides have been whole for far too long, sink your teeth into these bundles of giggles from across the modern world.

Hunters Are Easy to Make Fun Of

 Two men are hunting in a desolate wood, walking along in silence, when one of them suddenly collapses and doesn't move. His friend immediately whips out his cell phone and dials 911. When the operator answers, he cries, "Help, please! I think my friend is dead!"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

The hunter agrees; there is a short pause, and then the sound of a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?!"

Simple Deduction, My Dear Watson!

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip. After stories around the fire, wine, and good food, they decide to turn in for the night. Hours later, with the moon high, Holmes wakes his ever faithful friend and says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you can see."

Watson opens his eyes and replies, "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes."

"And what can you deduce from that?"

After pondering for a moment, Watson smartly replies, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that I am looking at a huge multitude of stars, planets, perhaps even galaxies. Astrologically, I have observed that Saturn is within Leo. Horologically, it would appear that it is half past three in the morning. Meteorlogically, I believe that we are going to have wonderful weather tomorrow. Religiously and theorologically, it tells me that God is truly a great being and we are more insignificant than we will ever know. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you fool!" he says at length. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

So Rude It's Funny

Two men are out playing golf. Just as one of them gets ready to tee off, he sees a funeral procession passing nearby. He stops in his tracks, takes off his hat, bows his head, and closes his eyes. Awestruck, his friend says, "Why, Bert, what a kind gesture. What a comfort that must be to the family to see you doing that in honor of their loved one! You are the most thoughtful and selfless person I know."

Bert looks up, replaces his hat, and shrugs. "Yeah, well, we were married for thirty-five years."

The UK Clocks In

 A woman gets on a bus carrying her newborn son in her arms. The driver looks over and says in disgust, "That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen! Ugh!"

Affronted, the woman stomps to an empty seat and says to a man nearby, "That driver just insulted me!"

The man replies, "That's terrible! You go on, go on, go tell him off good--I'll hold your monkey for you."

...And So Does Canada, Eh?

 When NASA first began sending astronauts up into space, they discovered that ballpoint pens do not work in zero gravity. Therefore, they spent 12 billion dollars and ten long years developing a pen that not only writes in zero gravity, but functions upside down, underwater, on any surface including glass, and in temperatures ranging from 0 to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

A Religious Crack

 There is a huge flood in a seaside city, and a pastor is trapped atop a house. A small lifeboat full of people floats past and cries for him to join them.

The pastor declines, saying, "The Lord will protect and save me!" So the lifeboat moves on.

A few minutes later, with the water rising, a speedboat comes by. The passengers call to the man to climb aboard. The pastor again declines, saying, "The Lord will protect and save me! I am not afraid! The Lord will save me!" So the speedboat, too, moves on.

After an hour, with the water rising still higher, a helicopter flies by overhead. A man shouts down to the pastor to grab the ladder. The pastor replies, "The Lord will protect and save me! the LORD will save me!!!" And so the helicopter moved on.

Within minutes the water rose up higher and the pastor drowned. Standing at the golden gates, he went to God in horrible confusion and said, "My Lord, what happened? I thought you would always protect me! I thought you would be there to save me!"

God looked down at him, bewildered, and retorted, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?!"

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    • nowandhere profile image

      Paul Wimsett 4 years ago from Folkestone

      I have heard the Sherlock Holmes one before.

    • itakins profile image

      itakins 8 years ago from Irl

      Funny-enjoyed.

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