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The Greatest Apocalypse Survival Guide Ever Written

Updated on March 18, 2020
Kyler J Falk profile image

I function best in situations of great stress, that's why I run toward the sound of crisis rather than away from it.

Source

So the world is coming to an end and you want to survive these last days in relative comfort, utilizing all the skills and information you can, all the while everyone around you dies off leaving you to walk the Earth alone? Well you've come to the right place, because I'm about to give you all the steps necessary to achieve these very goals. You won't find a better source of information than my guide "The Greatest Apocalypse Survival Guide Ever Written" so let's get down to business.

Make Sure You Have a Proper End-O-The-World Playlist

I may not be the brightest man, but I'll certainly outlive you!

— Kyler J. Falk

Step One: Pray!

There is no better weapon to wield in the apocalypse than the power of prayer. When everyone else is out taking action, gathering last-minute supplies, establishing a bug-out plan, make sure you drop everything you are doing, get on your knees immediately, and pray to our Lord and savior, Jesus "end-o-the-world" Christ. The power of prayer is stronger than any weapon your neighbor might fire through your front door any second now, and you can trust the good ole Holy Spirit to provide you with divine protection from this apocalypse.

I know a lot of you are impatient, and the Lord can take for what seems like forever to respond or do anything about your problems, but if you'd like to distrust our Lord I have more tips for you.

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Step 2: Panic!

If Jesus isn't responding to your ethereal emails shot through the universe direct to his kingdom like some sort of verbal quantum relay, well then it is time to panic! Start hyperventilating, think about your imminent death, pace back and forth while biting your nails and talking to yourself, and make sure you start destroying everything around you as you let the hopelessness sink in! Everyone in the apocalypse is going to hit this mentality at some point, but doing it sooner rather than later will see you ahead of the curve, because you're a genius survivalist.

Panic can't overwhelm you if you overwhelm yourself with the panic you create!

— Kyler J. Falk

Step 3: Make Everyone Else Panic!

You see yourself ahead of the curve, but everyone else around you are all calm as if the world as we know it isn't ending. It is your time to shine, you've been training for this moment, run outside and start asking why everyone is trying to survive when survival is futile! Let them know that God has forsaken them, their preparations are all in vain, they should all come to your house and have a good crying panic session as you all wait for the world to end. When everyone else is in a raging panic, you've done your duty and can pat yourself on the back because now the competition is eliminated.

Source

Step 4: Start a Cult!

Utilize the panic you created, offer all these people yourself as the answer to their apocalyptic problems, because we all know you're the real savior in this situation. Calm them down and send them to their own houses to bring the supplies they gathered to your home, because your home is apocalypse proof ever since you prayed to Jesus for his God-like protection. As your pack-mule humans now deliver food, water, weapons, and ammunition to your storehouses make sure you preach to them about how much God loves them and especially you for shepherding them to safety. Congratulations, you've started a cult and now have a small army at your command, make sure you choose a second in command and collect mates for only you two while killing off any opposition.

Source

Step 5: Profit!

You prayed and obtained the Lord's divine protection, you overcame panic through panic, you used panic as a tool of manipulation against others, you established a cult that bends to your every whim, and now all you need to do is continue to repeat steps three and four! Teach your cult members the importance of steps three and four, send them out into the wasteland we once called Earth, and have them bring back more loyal fools to your newfound cause and kingdom. As you gain more followers, so shall you have larger and more decadent debauchery to dabble in. Get lost in the sea of bodies that are now throwing themselves at your mercy, and enjoy these treasures that your amazing survival skills just obtained for you. You have just won the apocalypse. Savor your endless piles of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and pasta.

Why work harder or smarter when you can make everyone else do it for you?

— Kyler J. Falk

Congratulations!

If you've read and taken my survival guide to heart then you may now feel free to call yourself the "Apocalypse Survival Master" and never have to worry about a silly ole apocalypse again. With these tools you can conquer the entire post-apocalyptic world all the while sitting in the lap of luxury wanting for nothing. See you in the wastes, Master.

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    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 

      9 days ago from Hyderabad, India

      Oh! We are having typos here. John, and now me. It's all that COVID-19 doing!!! (Or, is it your article?) Haha! Take it easy, bro.

      My name used to be misspelled thousands of times while I was at some other place two decades ago.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      9 days ago from Corona, CA

      Thank you, Venkatachari, and I'm laughing at the way you misspelled my name rather than the hysteria now! Ha! I haven't been called Keller since I left the midwest where people had trouble pronouncing it.

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 

      10 days ago from Hyderabad, India

      Very entertaining post, Keller. I was all smiling, and still, at your funny entertainer. Panicking is there among people, but not about the virus, its for groceries, toilet papers, sanitizers, and veggies, and dairies. Enjoy it all so as to be light-hearted.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      10 days ago from Queensland Australia

      Haha guys, glad my “hole room” typo gave you a laugh. Let’s make it “whole” room shall we lol.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      10 days ago from Corona, CA

      Hey, if filling your "hole room" with toilet paper is your thing, I'm not one to judge! Yes, I definitely wanted to make light of this virus and all the associated panic. With people assaulting delivery men, many US military bases are going on high alert/standby to start assisting with resource allocations.

      If people don't start acting civil and stop being silly we are going to start seeing real dystopian happenings. I don't think I'm ready for society to get a bit more Orwellian than it already is. Then again, it would give me a valid reason for all my ammo and weapon stockpiling over the years.

      Bah, it'll all blow over.

    • Randy Godwin profile image

      Randy Godwin 

      10 days ago from Southern Georgia

      "and filled a "hole" room." LOL! Sorry, the picture just formed in my mind, John! :P

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      10 days ago from Queensland Australia

      Well, the panic seems to be spreading even faster than the virus. At least my favourite sport (Rugby League football) is persevering with its season in locked stadiums with no crowds, except those watching on TV. If I had of had enough foresight I could have bulk bought toilet paper months earlier and filled a hole room ...I would have made a fortune by now selling it to the neighbourhood. Praise the Lord.

      You need to try to make light of a situation like this or you’ll go insane.

      Interesting survival guide Kyler.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      10 days ago from Corona, CA

      Thank you for reading and for the compliment Miss Dora!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      10 days ago from The Caribbean

      So its Step One or the others. You have done a good job of presenting Step One as the wisest and most useful of all. Amen and good job!

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      11 days ago from Corona, CA

      I absolutely agree, especially in these darker times. Stay safe out there.

    • Majestic Tells profile image

      Laurinzoscott 

      11 days ago from Kanab, Utah

      We have to be able to laugh at our colkective selves Kyler

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      11 days ago from Corona, CA

      Thank you, Majestic, I tried to match the ridiculousness of current times without pressing too hard on such a sensitive topic. I'm glad you felt it appropriate.

    • Majestic Tells profile image

      Laurinzoscott 

      11 days ago from Kanab, Utah

      This article is very timely and it speaks very well to the Mass hysteria we are witnessing I think

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      12 days ago from Corona, CA

      Thank you, Edward! Congrats on being my first ever "guest comment!"

    • profile image

      Edward Lane 

      12 days ago

      Great article!!

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      12 days ago from Corona, CA

      Phew, you had me worried for a second.

      Yes, sitting in the "newsroom" that is the internet actually has me questioning my own sanity at some points. Luckily I have many reliable sources to turn to for information in the face of all the sensationalism going about. Unfortunately it is raining and cold here right now, I'd rather be out at the park or lake getting a suntan than stuck indoors.

      My son and I are deathly bored and I can only workout so much before it becomes ridiculous.

    • Al Stine profile image

      AL 

      12 days ago from South Equator, East Pacific

      Obviously, Kyler.

      But the news feeds might make you think otherwise, cant even watch my sports because everything is cancelled.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      12 days ago from Corona, CA

      Please, tell me you're being humorous about thinking it is the end of the world? I often can't discern tone through text, and nothing about this current viral pandemic screams "apocalypse" to me even though many people are screaming it themselves.

    • Al Stine profile image

      AL 

      12 days ago from South Equator, East Pacific

      Desperate times, call for desperate measures. It's the end of the world, you are better off scrapping for toilet paper. Ad revenue should be the least of your worries.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      12 days ago from Corona, CA

      @Al: Damn, I really missed my chance to add that in; probably because I never consider human meat to be a proper source during survival situations. More often than not, if you have hit the point where human meat has become an option then you're pretty close to the end of your life. Would also make me lose my ad revenue if I included eating other humans as a main section.

    • MitaraN profile image

      Mitara N 

      12 days ago from South Africa

      Lol, i think their behaviour itself, is quite humorous. After all this being headlined everywhere,

      I appreciate a different view to it all and always enjoy your articles

      Thank for noting and making it different.

      Stay safe

    • Al Stine profile image

      AL 

      12 days ago from South Equator, East Pacific

      Considering the world is coming to an end, was waiting for the step when we start eating each other..

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      12 days ago from Corona, CA

      Couldn't tell you, Mitara, I've been slapping fake news into the dirt left and right and doing my best to keep fake news out of circulation. Even my military friends were panicking because many of our military bases went on "high alert" for no real reason, and I was left to let them know it is just part of National Emergency protocols to be ready to deploy at any given moment. My favorite is telling people it is "martial" not "marshall" law, and that it won't be instituted nationally. I have a few bets ranging from a few dollars to one-hundred smackers that a mandatory "national quarantine" and federal martial law won't happen.

      I'm making this a fun and humorous experience to avoid dwelling on the seriousness of it, but I'm also offering supply delivery to anyone who needs it along with for-hire security if things pop off (they won't).

      Stay safe out there! Thanks for reading my silly little article!

    • MitaraN profile image

      Mitara N 

      12 days ago from South Africa

      I know right, what is up with the toilet paper, sanitiser and pasta of all things. It's like when dealing with one thing, it's now diverted and created into something else.

      Shelves are being emptied on other specific items and you wonder how is it related or fixing the problem. Whats the rational around it?

      It's definitely some sort of survival mode

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