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Apocalypse Survival: The Greatest Guide Ever Written

Updated on April 16, 2020
Kyler J Falk profile image

I function best in situations of great stress, that's why I run toward the sound of crisis rather than away from it.


So the world is coming to an end and you want to survive these last days in relative comfort, utilizing all the skills and information you can, all the while everyone around you dies off leaving you to walk the Earth alone? Well you've come to the right place, because I'm about to give you all the steps necessary to achieve these very goals. You won't find a better source of information than my guide "The Greatest Apocalypse Survival Guide Ever Written" so let's get down to business.

Make Sure You Have a Proper End-O-The-World Playlist

I may not be the brightest man, but I'll certainly outlive you!

— Kyler J. Falk

Step One: Pray!

There is no better weapon to wield in the apocalypse than the power of prayer. When everyone else is out taking action, gathering last-minute supplies, establishing a bug-out plan, make sure you drop everything you are doing, get on your knees immediately, and pray to our Lord and savior, Jesus "end-o-the-world" Christ. The power of prayer is stronger than any weapon your neighbor might fire through your front door any second now, and you can trust the good ole Holy Spirit to provide you with divine protection from this apocalypse.

I know a lot of you are impatient, and the Lord can take for what seems like forever to respond or do anything about your problems, but if you'd like to distrust our Lord I have more tips for you.


Step 2: Panic!

If Jesus isn't responding to your ethereal emails shot through the universe direct to his kingdom like some sort of verbal quantum relay, well then it is time to panic! Start hyperventilating, think about your imminent death, pace back and forth while biting your nails and talking to yourself, and make sure you start destroying everything around you as you let the hopelessness sink in! Everyone in the apocalypse is going to hit this mentality at some point, but doing it sooner rather than later will see you ahead of the curve, because you're a genius survivalist.

Panic can't overwhelm you if you overwhelm yourself with the panic you create!

— Kyler J. Falk

Step 3: Make Everyone Else Panic!

You see yourself ahead of the curve, but everyone else around you are all calm as if the world as we know it isn't ending. It is your time to shine, you've been training for this moment, run outside and start asking why everyone is trying to survive when survival is futile! Let them know that God has forsaken them, their preparations are all in vain, they should all come to your house and have a good crying panic session as you all wait for the world to end. When everyone else is in a raging panic, you've done your duty and can pat yourself on the back because now the competition is eliminated.


Step 4: Start a Cult!

Utilize the panic you created, offer all these people yourself as the answer to their apocalyptic problems, because we all know you're the real savior in this situation. Calm them down and send them to their own houses to bring the supplies they gathered to your home, because your home is apocalypse proof ever since you prayed to Jesus for his God-like protection. As your pack-mule humans now deliver food, water, weapons, and ammunition to your storehouses make sure you preach to them about how much God loves them and especially you for shepherding them to safety. Congratulations, you've started a cult and now have a small army at your command, make sure you choose a second in command and collect mates for only you two while killing off any opposition.


Step 5: Profit!

You prayed and obtained the Lord's divine protection, you overcame panic through panic, you used panic as a tool of manipulation against others, you established a cult that bends to your every whim, and now all you need to do is continue to repeat steps three and four! Teach your cult members the importance of steps three and four, send them out into the wasteland we once called Earth, and have them bring back more loyal fools to your newfound cause and kingdom. As you gain more followers, so shall you have larger and more decadent debauchery to dabble in. Get lost in the sea of bodies that are now throwing themselves at your mercy, and enjoy these treasures that your amazing survival skills just obtained for you. You have just won the apocalypse. Savor your endless piles of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and pasta.

Why work harder or smarter when you can make everyone else do it for you?

— Kyler J. Falk


If you've read and taken my survival guide to heart then you may now feel free to call yourself the "Apocalypse Survival Master" and never have to worry about a silly ole apocalypse again. With these tools you can conquer the entire post-apocalyptic world all the while sitting in the lap of luxury wanting for nothing. See you in the wastes, Master.


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