ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

The Hapless Househusband Experiments With Alcohol

Updated on December 15, 2011
In the name of science...
In the name of science...

Do Not Try This At Home...

First of all, could you keep it down a little, my head hurts…

My dear friend Tim suggested that my approach to housework was too, well, prohibition era. The idea that a little beverage of the alcoholic persuasion could improve the experience was of interest to me. So for the sake of science I decided to sacrifice the very last shreds of my, very much diminished, dignity and try this out.

Naturally, I waited until She-who-is-adored had driven off to work, lunch packed and prepared in a sober state, before the initial drink. Now, I realized that this was not a job for Mr. Merlot or his white wine friends, as I would become too mellow, too quickly, and there was no way this day was going to end with me shouting, "You go girl" at the ladies on ‘The View’.

Beer was a possibility, but I'd end up watching some sporting event and eating Tostitos and I'm trying to watch my sodium intake. Vodka would never work as it puts me directly to sleep. There were no wine coolers to be found and I’m not old enough to drink sherry. Plus, I was not going to waste a single malt.

So this led me to the obvious choice.


Nothing says party, well fiesta really, quite like a margarita. Jimmy Buffet may have lost his saltshaker, but hell, he'd had a great time up until then.

And, this slushie for grown-ups would help me with the overheating that tends to occur when I get involved in physical labor. It's mostly ice, right? The salt will replenish my essential something or others, and, the limejuice is fruit and thus this is practically a health regimen.


Part one of scientific research complete…

The margarita is the perfect beverage for housework.

I find a bottle of tequila. Wipe the dust off. Find the freshest bottle of margarita mix, the salt, the glass and cut up a lime (or unripe lemon - who can tell?) and prepared the blender.

Houston, we have lift off.

I carefully measure one cup of tequila, three cups of mix, and a couple of scoops of ice.


Well, first I wonder why it won’t work, plug the blender in, and then blend.

I go for no-chunk smoothie style to start, wet the glass, dip in the salt and pour the first glass.

Little sharp for eight o'clock in the morning, but this is for science. I empty the glass, and make my way upstairs. Job one; remove the sheets from our bed. Other than a minor tussle with the duvet cover, it all goes well, and I collect my bundle of sheet, cover, pillowcases, and towels, and head on down to the laundry room.

Hot wash, cold rinse, add the right amount of liquid detergent, it's all going swimmingly. Have to say I've never noticed how interesting the back and forth movement of the agitator thingy is before and have to snap myself out of a semi hypnotic state.

So, I head into the kitchen to empty the dishwasher and, lo and behold, come across the blender full of margarita. Glass two tastes a little better, less bitter, and the salt is just so salty...

I clean off the counters, enjoying the smell of the cleaning stuff, and make pretty swirley patterns that evaporate. Have to admit to feeling fairly mellow, and wondering why my face hurts.

Ah ha! I've already got the big drunk happy face going, so I deliberately try to frown.

Which is funny, and makes me laugh.

This is fun!

The kitchen is looking fairly respectable, so I move into the family room, but I am distracted by the buzz from the laundry room. First wash and rinse over, I add the pretty blue stuff. And wonder if half a cap makes it soft and smell nice, wouldn't, like, three caps be totally awesome? I go for it. I watch the blue swirl into the whites and once again get mesmerized by the turn, swirl, turn, swirl of the aggidater.

I need another drink.

That's the first batch gone, so I make up batch two, which for some reason is a lot spillier than the first batch. Can’t find the lid thingy, so half of it ends on the counter, which I wipe off with my tongue. Find large patch of salt, Wash mouth out with another muergerina …


Deep breath.

Clean the toilets or vacuum?


Why's it go so many u's? Some left over from Americans misspelling neighbour and colour perhaps?


OK, plug it in and go.

No wait…

We have a round coffee table, what if I went in circles and made lovely, lovely, swirleys on the carpet? Cool.

Head feeling a bit spinny now.

Dang that vacuum's noisy.

Need a bit of a sit.


Need to take the shits out from the sloshing machine and tup them in the ryder.

Harder than usual. For some reason the stuff is kinda slimy, smells good though. Turn dryer on.

Need to go up stairs and get load two.

Stairs have gotten all steep on me, so for safety's sake I go up on all fours.

Coming back down the stairs, even harder, as they have seemed to have gone all Hogwarts and stuff, and keep on moving.

Get next load in machine. Add some stuff and stagger back into the family room for a bit of a lie down.

This is not going too well.

Realize I need some food.

Find the blender instead.

Have a likkle dlink.

Oooh, Chris is feeling ti ti, trip over vacuum, fall on couch, turn on TV somehow and shout at a soap until asleep.

She-who-is-adored (but ever so slightly angry) came home to loud snoring. Husband hugging the vacuum on the floor. Darks all tie-dyed and smelling of bleach. Sheets so soft they fell apart and the kitchen all covered in salt, lime and sticky.

So, overall, not a success, then...

But an important lesson learned. I really need to learn to pace myself…

Dear Hub Reader

If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:



    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      Thanks for staying in character!

      I'm off the hard stuff for a while, just coffee for a few weeks...

      I really appreciate you reading, commenting, and of course for the follow,

      Thank You

      (You have me a little worried about the poor kitty - I'm hoping you are using as much license as I did...)


    • Angie Jardine profile image

      Angie Jardine 6 years ago from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ...

      Way to go, Crisp! Sorry, Chris ... (hiccup) took your ad-wotsit and started on the Green Monkeys a tad t' wearly this morning - still the cat'sh come out of the drier now and's all wuffly, fluffly ... a bit sorta still tho' ...

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      Glad I could make you laugh,

      Thanks for reading and leaving a comment...


    • Themoontickets profile image

      Themoontickets 6 years ago from USA

      Until I read for article's end I laugh a looot!! Thanks for that!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      It would be funny to see a wall made by a team of drunken brickies - no wait, I have one in my back yard. And I was sober, just really crap at it...

      Tea and a bicky is the order of the day...


    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      It seems a great idea Chris, I wonder if it would work whilst laying bricks? Hang on, no it doesn't. I think those Margaritas' might make those Margs and Ritas from The View come to life and you wouldn't want them in your lounge room when s.w.i.t.b.w.ed comes home, better stick to tea if i were you mate, and a bicky.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Lady Blah Blah,

      Always good to hear from you. Maybe the Million Dollar listing report would benefit from a drink or two...


    • Lady Blah Blah profile image

      Lady Blah Blah 6 years ago from South Carolina

      Hilarious! Thanks for sharing your Margaritaville experience.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      If it gave you a good laugh, then it was all worth it!

      Thanks for the read and comment

      kinda feel bad for the dog though, probably dreams of a whole pizza...


    • moonfairy profile image

      moonfairy 6 years ago

      Loved that!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time..totally amusing =)That's how my husband cooks and I remember the day he decided, after many margis, to grill a pizza. The way he weaved back and forth with the pizza perched precariously on the pizza paddle left me wondering if the dog would score the pie, instead of us.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Thank you! It will be, Chris. These are some of my favorite folks and great house guests. They have been coming to the area since 1997, when a family reunion was held in Denton, nearby. Then another one a few years later and several visits just to see us when George was alive, and they've visited me once since then. I visited them once when they had a family reunion in Sacramento vicinity where they lived prior to moving to Gilroy. (Their house was immaculate! :-/ )

      They'd planned to come here last summer but Jo Anne was in an accident during their move and unable to travel for quite awhile. She is the eldest daughter of George's only sibling, a half-sister who was 7 years his senior. When she passed away, her family sort of adopted George as their patriarch, his being the only living family member of that generation. Now they kindly sort of consider me the one, even though I'm not blood kin. They are such gracious, lovely people, so they will be great visitors and forgiving if there are any loose ends. I've already warned them about the squirrels in the walls. They're ok with it. haha. So anything else will be minor by comparison! :-)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      I hope it will be a wonderful visit...

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Ah - hard water is a problem. I remember in San Angelo that the water made things stiff and scratchy. So softener of some kind is a must. When we visit George Jr's folks in Pflugerville, just outside Austin, where the water is extremely hard, I usually forget at first that they all have water softeners installed and one can hardly get the soap OFF the skin, it's so soft. Nothing's perfect, right?

      Yes I should be - but I've decided to watch "Moment To Moment" and sip a little glass of limoncello instead. hehe. After all - "tomorrow IS another day!" (and if it's not, then no need to rush around cleaning house. . . ." )Today is lovely - 77 degrees at the moment and I have windows open. It's airing-the-house day! Another thing - while they're here, we are all going to Tulsa to visit with Jo Anne's sister, another of George's nieces. So the days here are not so many. Maybe there won't be time to see all the dust bunnies. tee hee - - OH - not to worry - I have a plan - I'll have it sparkling!! I just don't want to get started too early and make a BIG project out of it, as is my wont. No - I think it shall be my won't!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      That was practically a laundry hub all in itself....

      We have unbelievably hard water here (stolen from northern California - much to their chagrin) so the softener is kind of important (and She-who-is-adored likes soft snuggly things - I think that's why she keeps me around!)

      Of course it comes as no surprise that you have a natural Goddess-like approach...

      Hey! shouldn't you be prepping for your guests! :)


    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Love that return hugs!! It really feels like a real one too - or is that sensation from my giggling?

      But now - seriously, Chris - I never touch the stuff - fabric softener, that is. I use only unscented, clear-colorless plain ALL detergent for the wash, plus Oxyclean for soaking out stuff like coffee and fruit stains. But I avoid anything - especially discretionary additives - that permeate the house with scents announcing that I'm doing, have done or am going to be doing laundry. I like to maintain a more goddess kind of aura, you see. And - though I know it's going to raise hackles -TIDE just screams out, "I'm a VERY serious laundress here!" No way would I have even a sample box of it in the house! hehe Plus, it hurts my sinuses.

      Besides, as far as fabric softeners go, adding more complicated chemicals to the mix is low on my list of preferences.

      But, to be fair, I hear fabric softeners are versatile things, having other uses such as keeping a fabric softener sheet under your pillow or mattress in order to have sweet dreams. hehe. - Or maybe it prevents nightmares if it keeps one awake sneezing!

      Another intriguing use - and this went out from the USPS to postal delivery folks: - putting a sheet of F.S. in their pockets will repel yellow jackets. Now that sounds like a valuable application if the person doesn't mind smelling like the laundry room as (s)he makes rounds. Also spreading sheets around foundation areas or around vehicles will deter mice. Wow - no more need for Tabby, then!

      They take odors out of books and other items which get little airing. (maybe the books ought to get more airing by reading!) Eliminates static electricity form the TV or PC screen. Repels mosquitos. It even grabs the sawdust from your work area - like a tack cloth. Best of all - after you hose down the car, dampen a sheet of F.S. and wipe off the lovebugs from the windshield.

      I'm impressed - there are really valuable uses for the stuff! :-) If I ever bring any into the house, I'll try some of them. I won't be using it in the washing machine, though. ALL leaves the laundry nice and soft - none of that other additive stuff in it to stiffen the fabrics and tangle or mat down fabric nap.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      So now my response to your hub makes more sense, right? I was riffing on a theme, with tongue firmly in cheek, that you had no idea about!!!

      Lesson one, make sure you are all talking on the same page...

      I will admit to you, as I know you can keep a secret, that this was a work of fiction, I can not drink during the day as I will, in very short order, fall completely asleep.

      It was a funny idea I could not pass up...

      And the blue stuff is fabric softener, Downy, Ultra Downy 'April fresh' to be exact...

      (tastes awful...)

      Good luck with your cleaning, though I would bet they only come to see you, and could care less about dust and pretty patterns in the carpet...

      Sguh (that's a hug back...)


    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Oh, dear - Chris! I've been so busy writing and making hubs, I hadn't gotten to all your latest masterpieces. You see, when faced with REAL housecleaning challenges - such as this place so unfit for the company from California in about 11 days (OHGOODGRIEF!!) - my best recourse is to always become totally absorbed in something else I love doing right up till the very last 'fire-drill' minute and then go into marathon mode as only I can, (though I'm noticing that the years and relative sedentariness of writing have slowed my whirlwind down to a kind of a "dust devil" speed and duration). But neveryoumind, when the day or two before the arrival rolls around, I'll crank it up and go into a regular tor-na-do. (That's why I'm sometimes call TT - for Texas Tornado - by certain friends). Anyway - what better other interest to defer to than writing and publishing numerous hubs? Obviously I won't be using any of the tactics outlined and detailed so well here, though, Chris. If years and laziness haven't taken toll enough, the alcoholic cleaning tactic would result in no work OR hubs getting done! z-z-z-z-z - Might even put me over the edge into the real Wrinkles category! (the stuff is so drying to skin, you know!)

      Speaking of your experiment - what WAS that blue stuff you added to the rinse cycle in triplicate, anyhow? Ugh. (There are blue margaritas, btw.) Bet those sheets and linens go straight into the donations barrel, huh? Well though - you tided up the liquor cabinet, cleaned out the dusty tequila bottle and probably will save the cost of replacing it, so run out to Anna's Linens and get more sheets - hurry! Maybe She-Who-Is-Adored won't have already noticed that fiasco, for all the other debris from your - er - experiment!

      This is so funny Chris. I was cackling, reading it, though I felt a little badly for my beloved George - he loved sherry! Well, OK - so he was getting up in years. hehe. He also loved margaritas, so that surely balanced out the calendar a bit.

      You're a riot. And you have my specific doyennestic permission to use all the superfluous Us you want in vacuum, as it surely comes naturally to you, whether sober or under Margarita's influence. Just who IS that Margarita, anyway, - to try to subdue and dominate you? ;->

      Hugs - (in the flesh or cybered, they feel great!)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      I had fun writing this...

      Thanks, as always, for dropping by and leaving a comment,


    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

      I'll never forget having a bunch of teachers over and serving a very strong Margarita punch!

      I love the fun you had with language as you showed yourself getting drunker and drunker!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      So your hobby is collecting habits?

      I'm thinking there is a great hub in there, somewhere...

      Time for you to get writing I think....

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Lady Linda,

      Glad my hub had the desired effect :)

      Not sure about the next experiment, need a bit of a break I think, plus I have to fix my mess first!


    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Well you have certainly helped me - who knows? I may have gone crazy with it and added another bad habit!

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image

      Linda Rawlinson 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Oh Chris, so, so funny, I was laughing my socks off.

      'seemed to have gone all Hogwarts and stuff' made me laugh till I had tears rolling down me ole cheeks. He he he. What a lovely image of you crawling up and down the stairs. Ooh, that'll keep me going for a week.

      Whatchya doin' in the name of science next?


    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      Make it a game. Guys like games, you know, with points and stuff...

      Hide miniatures in the messiest/dirtiest of areas and have Bob go hunt with a trusty swiffer...

      Happy Bob

      Happy you

      Clean(er) house

      More time for hubbing!

      C :)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      Yes, that was my motivation - public service!

      If I can save just one housewife from the pain and humiliation...

      C :)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Feline Prophet,

      Sadly the 'happy place' was short lived, probably going to stick to coffee for a while...


    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Thank you for sacrificing yourself for science, Chris. Now I know what to do for Spring cleaning which started last week and will, of course, be the middle of summer before I give up and wait until next year.

      Bob has been using this method of housekeeping for years. It works best for cleaning the pool on a daily basis as I have a sparkling clean pool all summer long. However, the house is still dusty enough to grow ferns. I am moving Bob outdoors slowly, but surely. He now has his own beer refrigerator on the patio.

      If he stays out of the house, I may actually get it clean again in my lifetime. That is, if I could stay off the computer hub writing thing.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Too funny! Now I know not to try it - it sounded good when you mentioned it but - yes I see I would most likely end up with a hangover and a messier house!

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 6 years ago

      Haha...never underestimate the power of a margarita (or several) to induce domestic nirvana! :D

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      Stop shouting!

      And yes, Tim is a genius...

      Unbelievably funny guy, his wife is no slouch either in the make you laugh department...


    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California


      My fine motor skills are all to hell...

      No repeat

      I'm sticking to coffee...

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Thanks Bpop,

      That's the thing with these hubs, it's the research that'll kill you every time....


    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      That Tim is a genius. I can see this was a total success.


      Yes it was.

      uh huh.

      Was too.

      Were you bored???


    • profile image

      Tim Dennis 6 years ago

      Ah yes. Where to start? The idea is sound in theory, but the actual implementation can be dicey and fraught with peril, not to mention angry significant others and puke. As I read this aloud to Matt, in the office when we had a break, we both muttered out loud an ominous "Oooooohhhhhhhhh" with a wince when I came to the part about the choice of Margarita. Way to start off in the big leagues!! I would have, since this is for science, started with beer, or with something you sip. Then, as you go through out the week, up the potency, if you will.

      Should you attempt this again, sub in beer for tequila and make beerita's. Less octane, still tasty, and less awkward moments with the vacuum.

      Hopefully, She-who-must-be-adored, will not come after me. I will be replicating this experiment this weekend. I have found with past experiments, the gross motor movements (vacuuming, washing of mirrors and windows, mopping of floor, etc) are better choices. Fine motor skill cleaning (dusting of nic-nacs, i.e. collectibles, putting sharp objects away...) not so much. Laundry? Right out! Not very good even when clean and serene. Here's to science, and may you find the perfect balance of refreshment and cleanliness.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      That's my method for cooking! Voted up and funny!