The One Chance

I'd arrived in Miami on Sunday
afternoon.

Exhausted to my soul, I found
the bed and slept until early
Monday morning.

I forced myself up, to shower
have coffee, then get out to
find a job, any job, in walking
distance of the hotel.

Luck was with me. Luck had
been with me, and I feared it
would run out.

I was not expecting any more 'passes'.

I hadn't planned on using Diana Lopez as my name, it just kind of happened.
It was a good choice as there was no link between me and that name.

Further, I had no papers. It wasn't a problem in Miami where a lot of people had no papers.

As I got the Job I moved from my single at the hotel to a room with a kitchenette. I was not ready to call this cell 'home' .

Until the time I knew who and where I was the word 'roots' was not to be used.

Later that evening, I sat by the
window, looking out, looking in.

I assume after the first few days
of absence my husband might
have gone to the police,
although I wasn't all that sure about it.

For him to do so was admitting he'd lost. And he would never do that.
He would search for me, perhaps thinking I was with some friend he had chased early in our relationship.

He'd been very successful at chasing my friends away.

I had never mentioned Miami to him, it had never come up. Perhaps I was safe; as long as I didn't contact anyone.

I wanted to contact someone, anyone, because I was so incredibly alone. But I controlled myself.

My eyes began moving around the room. Window, fridge, ledge, microwave, bed, bathroom, table, chair, ledge, window, around and around, as my heart pounded.

Thoughts jumbled through my mind, my husband loved me, no man would ever love me, I shouldn't have left him, no, I had to, no, I didn't, my home, I left my home, no, not my home, window, fridge, ledge, microwave, bed, bathroom, table, chair, ledge, window...

I couldn't breath, I had to get out...and I ran to the door, opened it into an empty corridor, and didn't want to dare it.

It was not yet eight p.m. and I felt I'd been up for fourteen hours and couldn't see how I'd get through the next hour.

And I realised; this is madness, this is how it happens. I can't let it happen to me.

I put on my shoes, I went to the door, took the key, went onto the street, walking ten blocks in a direction I had not visited as if I was a tourist. There must be something to anchor me here. Something.

I can't do this.
I have to do this.
I can do this.
I will do this.

I will go to work tomorrow. I will be Diana Lopez. I will get through one more week. I will get through today. I will live today.