The Significant Enemy Within
Journey from mind to heart
Sometimes I feel like I have an enemy within
I'm a Tomorrow Girl quite famous for procrastinating
Many times, my tomorrow never seems so encouraging
So no wonder I feel like even my inner started nagging.
Whenever I feel like postponing I don't seem to have a say
Now, even before I get to think my actions find its way
Feelings that built within me often wreck and give away
My own actions and thinking seem to have given my life away.
Growing up I always read books and sketched a picture imagining that I'm an artist
As a child always dreamed of becoming a missionary or an Archeologist
Searching hidden meanings and rediscovering historical evidence of the existence
I used to lose track of time when I'm actively involved with curious fascinations.
There's this big "If" that seems to haunt my mind and waste a lot of time
That big "if" sounds so regrettable and what would I could do instead every time?
Being accepting, moving forward without doubt and stress in my life
Knowing that Papa God has the best plan laid out for my life.
Even if I do something nice to someone I just don't know why I feel so small and super uncomfortable
Many times wished to have an invisibility cloak or a superpower just to feel safe and comfortable
Added to that mentally sick men seems to have gotten wings with the mask on
Unlike those days where I walked fast, now I hate to admit that I feel a little afraid to walk even to town.
I don't understand what on earth is happening to me? I heard someone speak
When I looked back not a soul close by but a red boxy vehicle zoomed passed me
The other day I had the strangest and it felt so weird to me
I don't think my imagination has the power to be so realistic and real to me.
Then again, fear can make me stupid and stuck in one place
If I don't become courageous or take a step of faith as I embrace,
Embrace my destiny as I entrust myself to God's glory
Feeling the fear yet do it anyway with His power and security.
Anxiety, Depression, and Stress, you guys need to go away !!
Jealousy and insecurity from my heart you need to leave me today!!
Anger, Selfishness, and Guilt, take your hands off me!!
Listen Laziness and Negativity you are not welcome to stay with me!
I have always felt that it's too hard to get job satisfaction whenever I get paid
My inner being is so into perfectionism that when I fail to get the same as what the customer had said
I hear the loudest criticism right within me that I feel so gloomy
When I get an order, I already feel like a failure because of anxiety.
I'm aware of being easy-going and not that passionate in my daily routine
However, I do have the desire to improve myself by listening and practicing
To be better, to do better, be upgraded influential version that Papa God wants me to be
It's a snail pace process, every little progress looking back I have made makes me feel happy.
My biggest fear since I was a little girl is losing my memory
Forgetting who I am, what I am and to who I belong to deeply
So I keep getting little reminders how much I'm worthy
I realized only lack of personal attention is what arouse my jealousy.
My biggest strength is the knowledge of knowing that my family and Jesus Christ loves me
My biggest weakness is the inability to say "NO" and when necessary Jesus Christ helped me
Recognizing my capabilities and to choose the battles that I need to fight daily with wisdom
Papa God had been equipping me to face my enemies before I enter into His Kingdom :)
I have written about the enemy that is within me. Wait, I mean enemies. I probably thought too much when Pinkish Priest taught us about the enemies in the bible. Spiritual ones and real ones.
Sometimes, a person's good intention could be misunderstood as the work of an enemy since it probably made matters worst. If I to be frank and honest, many times, I never really liked third party involvement in a problem that I have with someone. In my opinion, most of the time, the peacemaker in my eyes becomes the trouble maker.
Then there are times, that one could be your very own enemy. What do I mean? If you are going through an addiction that is harmful to your body or soul. Something that compromises your values and morals.
I won't say that I'm perfect that I have overcome the not so good attitudes and issues. It's a daily struggle. It's easier to do what is wrong and the right things have to be constantly reminded. An effort, a daily choice, a renewal of the mind and heart with the faith in Jesus Christ.
As a teenager when people who knew my siblings academic achievements, they often thought I was also cool as they are and I used to feel a little awkward when people assumed stuff like that. However, not once I felt sad or jealous about my siblings. Every time when they got prize after prize, I felt the happiest and I always had the time to help them in whenever they wanted my help in their studies. My sister is sweet that the books that she got as prizes, I got to read them first :) My little sister is one of the most gifted and blessed person I had ever met in my life. She is an all rounder. According to mom, she believes that my sister is an unexpected blessing from God and that my mom had not known that she was pregnant with my sister when she had her water baptism. According to mom's faith, she received Holy Spirit while she baptized along with my sister :)
When I was schooling and in my early twenties I used to feel a little bit jealous about my siblings and I used to feel so ashamed of myself for that.
It's simply because of my sister's ability to hug and kiss people and kids more freely than I am. I always found it very uncomfortable. I hardly initiate hugging or kissing people unless the other person is into it or doesn't mind that I already smell bad. I sometimes wondered whether my sister's nose doesn't work properly.. even if I was quite bad smelling and sweaty, she used to hug me. She is a hugger. She is sensitive and empathatic that she give warm bear hugs.
I used to feel jealous about my brother for his ability to hit the sack already asleep. Wait, what I mean is that since my father's death, I had been struggling with insomnia that I had a hard time falling asleep where as my brother when he was small, he would just sleep with all the sweat and dirt as soon as he lie down on bed. Even now, he could sleep one part on the bed and other part on his studying chair.
How does one face temptations ? In my early twenties I loved eating so much, I enjoyed tasting food that I was able to eat a lot. Although I had crushes and brushes I wasn't really into being committed to one out of the fear of being under another rulership and losing my freedom to be myself. Well, my mom says that as long as I live under my mom's roof, I have to obey her rules. So for me getting married means, in a nutshell, it's going under a new authority or rulership. Thankfully since she is my mom, she always encourages me to be true to myself and she doesn't try to change me into someone I'm not. Twice I was kind of tempted to actually consider even when the person is not a beliver in Jesus Christ when I learned that the person is a professional chef. So I prayed God to remind me how much I need Him in my life even when I poop, for Him to be the one to release what's inside me peacefully without a struggle.
Since I was a small baby I had constipation and my mom had tried all kinds of stuff to release me from pain. Then when I was a teenager I used to take medicine and eat all types of fruits that supposedly helped to relieve myself. I used to pass out blood and it was actually quite painful. I remember at a prayer meeting, a pastor said that there is a person who struggle to poop and that God is going to heal if come forward . I was so embarrassed to go to the front that I stayed and later I truly regretted my choice. Seeing my mom with all tubes after a surgery I really didn't want to go through that I began to pray daily for my healing. Now I can say that I hardly get piles and I thank God for looking out for me and reminding me how much I need Him in my life :)
My biggest temptation is eating food. If I didn't break my leg because of my weight, I wouldn't have been so careful of my food intake. Every thing is in Papa God's hands and I rest in knowing that He loves me :)
© 2020 Rochelle Ann De Zoysa