The Stars Are Projectors
“He’s dead,” and that’s all I heard. There was nothing around me as the words began to sink in. I couldn’t, did not; want to believe those two words. The world was non-existent; there were no feelings to me, still trying to come to grips over it all. I froze there and stood with an expression on my face as if I had just died, yet hadn’t toppled over yet. Reality began to come crashing back into my consciousness just in time to hear my mother say to me,
It should have been you.
I immediately went to my room and had grabbed the black and red Vans shoebox from under my bed to take a few nicely sized, dense nuggets and Zig-Zag rolling papers. I had also taken out my vial of Lysergic acid diethylamide and placed a few drops on my tongue from the dropper.
That was few hours ago and now the sweet, tranquil sounds of Aqueous Transmission by Incubus filled my room with a Japanese musical styling that flowed like water. My walls were turning blue and beginning to wave in a water fall like manner. I just wanted to swim, jump into the sweet blue water and swim away from the pain. The walls began to tease and entice me so I got up and shuffled across the wooden floor, however it appeared as if I was walking on lily pads. Once I reached the wall, I touched it and it sent ripples through my room. I lean forward and fall through and now I am weightless, suspended in a space like manner, just floating.
I see a small orange flickering light at the surface so I begin to swim away from my walls and my room and towards the light. I breech the surface and see a small wooden dock leading into a bamboo forest. I get out of the water and while standing next to the torch I look into the sky and see a large full moon so close I could reach up and just grab it. While looking up I see a new, bright star form off in the distance, and just think of a lyric from Modest Mouse, “the stars are projectors yea, projecting our lives down to this planet earth.” I use the light from the universe to guide me down the dock into and through the forest of large, tree like reeds of bamboo. I walk for what seems to be a half hour or so and proceed to come out to a small clearing around a pond. The dock leads right through the middle of the pond and has a small hut on the other side. I walk across the pond and approach the hut, stopping outside it and seeing if anyone is there, “Hello is anyone in there?”
A figure comes out of the hut and it takes me a moment to recognize that I am looking at my brother. I rush into him and hug and cry out “Why brother, why did it have to happen!”
“It was just my time brother. Come inside and have a drink, you’ll understand soon.”
I go into the reed hut and straw hut and take a seat at table while my bother grabs a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. He sets the glasses on the table and pours two drinks while I say,
“You’ll never guess what mom said to me right before she hung up,”
“It should have been you, I know,”
“Why does mom hate me so much, what have I done for her to hate me the way she dies,”
“She doesn’t hate you brother, she just worries heavily about you. You are the eldest and need to succeed. You have the potential and energy to be great. When you were younger you were so vibrant and ready to tackle the world. You wanted it all and were not afraid of a challenge. Life was not about to hold down. You’re soul and spirit is both so free and energetic that you are like the sun, with the galaxy revolving around you,”
“I know, but that was when we were younger, before we moved and lost myself in my room and my own thoughts. I got too jaded with life too early and became so disenfranchised with everything that none of it mattered anymore. The end was inevitable and the problems were too large and it just seemed like there was nothing I could do to change it. I hated it all,”
“That’s fine, you can still rekindle that fire that stoked your spirit and tackle the world. Your life is just beginning brother; you can still take ahold of the world and make it yours. It is not out of reach. You will be great and the world will know you and it all will work out. You need to stay positive and remain with that childlike innocence, while still maintaining the knowledge of an adult. Always approach everything with a cheerful and positive feeling. Never stop learning and expanding your boundaries. Remain open to everything and experience it all. The world needs someone to bring positivity and hope back into it. It’s easy to find darkness somewhere, but it’s hard to hope in the light and believe in the good. Never stop hoping, never stop believing and illuminate the world.”
I open my eyes and pick my head up off the floor. I sit up and look at the clock, 1:26 a.m. Damn, I can’t believe that peak was only like an hour long and now it’s over. I grab a cigarette from my pack of Marlboro reds pack and light. Standing next to the window, watching the smoke drift up into the dark night sky, I stare and the stars and notice a new star I hadn’t seen earlier. “Project my life down brother. I’m ready to be illuminated,”