The Team Composition
No matter how smart you are and how well you deal with your team, a tutorial which can give an insight of your team wouldn’t be bad anyway. So, I am here to tell you about a team composition which may help you to deal with your kickass team better. Now one thing should be clear that it is not necessary that this article is one bible one has to follow…so please if you get terminated by doing tantrums using the formula of this article, don’t come to me.
I have led various teams and was in the composition of the team as well. So, this article is entirely based upon my personal experience.
1. The Butt-er-man: This man is important, not because of his skills which can be used in increasing productivity or intelligent suggestions he can utter but because this man is your eyes and ears in the team. Itis literally impossible to know what your team is thinking about you and the management. This buttman …I mean butterman can give you the exact reports of inside team. All he wants is, timely pampering and timely breaks. Come on, be honest, you can give this person this much levy. Good thing about this person is that he would be the most punctual guy in the entire team (in most of the cases). So, let him think that he is most closest guy with you and let him get over with all ass-licking things because he worth it.
2. The Slut: Pardon my language, and if you cannot, get the fuck out of here. This person is also important for the team. She would date every single ‘single’ of the team (including you, if you want). She would wear all the fancy and revealing clothes if there is no dress code in your office (if there is, it’s your bad luck pal). Everything about her will be fancy and 100% girlish. She may cry, look sad, frown or even threatens to commit suicide. I must warn you that she would always play games. You would not like to mess with her and stand in the dirty corridors of HR department. In production, she would be pretty average but she has the power of keeping attrition low in your team. So, keep on praising her about her beauty (minding ethics of your office).
3. The Smarty Pants: This guy is completely responsible of making or breaking the team’s score. With highest revenue and very good stacks, this person is the next FTL or TL. He would learn everything just too quickly from you and will move to the other one. So, be aware. His goals would be high and he would look like as if he is on a mission. He would come on time and leave the office on time, if required he can stay late in office. Often you may wonder if this person is an undercover agent or a terrorist. He would want leaves on time, breaks on time and other levy. Give him one or two and don’t make a fuss about it.
4. Friend of All: This person will be a friend of all. So, makes a perfect bridge between you and other team members. If there is some problem with someone, he can help. There is no shame in it. You may be the team leader or assistant manager but this is management. You have to be in everyone’s shoes here. Now, nothing comes free. He would require a few extra leaves in return which you can manage I know. In production, you cannot take this person an asset but he wouldn’t be that bad either.
5. Friend of No One: This one is dangerous to deal with because he would have an attitude on his face, ‘I don’t give a shit about’ attitude. He wouldn’t talk much to anyone and he would not compromise on his breaks or leaves. If you dare to push him beyond his limits he would resign without thinking twice and hey, you cannot retain this one, so don’t let the situation get there. You must be thinking about terminating him now. That’s a problem. Because his one of the stacks or revenue will be so good that deleting him from the team will be hard.
6. The Dedicated Couple: Here are we, stuck with a couple now. This couple will remain together. Will take breaks together, will come together and will go together. Their stacks will be good and revenue will be acceptable. The problem is that if one takes an unscheduled leave then there is a high possibility that the other one would either have ‘periods’ or ‘accident’. They may resign together as well, so better you keep an eye on them because even your butterman cannot extract much out of them.
7. The Donkey: Every team has a donkey. He would make the rosters and will send all sorts of reports. You know, all excel stuff. He would come early and will leave late. He would not take breaks when you require and no/occasional leaves. His stacks will be good as well. All you need to give him is a lollypop that you are the next on list to get promotion and keep on sending some appreciation emails after certain period of time.
8. The Honest: Though the stack of this one would not be that great but he would work his ass off and that too very honestly. He will be your bunny. His job will be the only religion for him and you will be the god because he knows if he gets kicked out from work, it would be very hard for him to get a new one. What you need to do? Just don’t terminate this one, he is useful when it comes to balancing your leaves and breaks…he would happily scarify for you.
9. The Cute One: This is crazy you know. You just cannot say ‘NO’ to this girl. Every time she would stand near to your workstation pleading for a break or leave, you cannot say no. She will be jolly and bubbly of the team, ready to be someone’s girlfriend. But if you are thinking to be the boyfriend, I would not suggest that because she would be looking for a serious relationship. Her production usability would be average but it is an asset for your team because even your manager would have an eye for this girl. So, play cool with her and treat like a friend or brother.
10. The Badass: No big scores, not so good stacks, bad revenue…unscheduled leaves and unlimited breaks, but you cannot say anything because this person has some contact in management. And when the party-time would come, this person will arrange everything.
So, now you know about 80% of your team. There is a tested formula of being a good team leader. Don’t go by the books. Just use your common sense and my article and have fun.