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The Top Five Ways NOT to Make Money Online - Secrets of Anti-SEO

Updated on July 18, 2011
Totally ripped off image from Ryankett.
Totally ripped off image from Ryankett.

So much noise and wind is being made by people like Misha and Sunforged and Darkside and others about how to make money online. They have all these secrets that help you get your articles out there and picked up by search engines, optimized by key words, read by people, clicked on by people, make money, blah blah. So what? Everyone writes articles about that.

What's that? You don’t think everyone is writing about that? Really? Go do some keyword research on “make money online” and see how that comes up. Go ahead, do it. I dare you. You’re going to find way over a million searches and a huge category that, obviously, everyone is writing to and competing for traffic and clicks. Sure, Misha and those guys are all good at it, and they’re honest and their stuff works, unlike a lot of the crap out there, but that’s not my point. So what if they’re knowledgeable and profitable? Big deal. So are Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.

I know something all those guys don’t.

I know how to NOT make money online. Those guys don’t know one thing about that. In fact, they suck at not making money. That’s why they don’t write about it. They can’t even do it. Hah! Which means, there is nobody writing about it at all. Search it. You’ll get nothing. (Notice the image below … and that I had to cheat and drop the “how to” part, because if you search how to not make money as a whole, you get NOTHING. Doesn’t even come up.)

But don’t think less of these illustrious Hubbers for it, because most people don’t really know how to not make money online like I do. I mean, sure, a lot of people have some degree of gift for it, but have they refined it down to a science like I have? I think not. Nobody makes no money online like I do. Some might say, “Oh, if you do this you won’t make money,” or maybe, “I didn’t do such and such, and that didn’t make any money either.” But that’s not expertise. Not like the kind I have. So, while it may seem a bit egotistical to compare my accomplishments to someone like a Ryankett or Mark Knowles or Edweirdo, the truth is, I am easily their equal, if not far superior to them, when it comes to the anti-SEO skills and the techniques required to not make money online. And, because they are all good people and decide to share their secrets with you from time to time, I have decided, in my own particular brand of goodness, to share my secrets of not making money online with you too, so you will have balance in your approach to the Internet. You won’t be stuck with only their advice. So without further adieu, here’s all you have to do.

"Pus flavored tooth paste" will fail.
"Pus flavored tooth paste" will fail.
So will "barbed wire g-string."
So will "barbed wire g-string."

1. Pick Stupid Keywords

That’s right, you have to pick stupid keywords. You just can’t go for keywords of stuff that people might actually search for if you want to wipe out financially online. You have to be VERY careful in your choice of keywords or you might accidentally get traffic to your article—that is VERY bad for not making money online. Even one visitor might accidentally click on some ad or another and end up buying something and then you are screwed right out of the gate.

So, that said, pick really horrific ones. Pick something like Pus Flavored Tooth Paste or maybe Barbed Wire G-Strings. Spend some time thinking about it; be creative; think of things that just don't go together at all. Then test it. Check it out on Adwords and make sure it won’t get any traffic. Do your homework or you might make money and totally defeat the purpose. So don’t be lazy.

You see I don't lie. But it takes skill to thread the needle like this.
You see I don't lie. But it takes skill to thread the needle like this.
Can Misha or Sunforged give more accurate advice within their "specialty," hmmm?
Can Misha or Sunforged give more accurate advice within their "specialty," hmmm?

2. No Directory Submission or Backlinking

No matter what, you must never, ever submit to a directory submission service, any kind of backlinking tool or even blog about your article. You must never do it. In fact, if you really want to make sure you don’t somehow get listed somewhere, go to all the most popular sites like Shetoldme.com or Stumbleupon.com or even straight to Bing or Yahoo and find out how to get in touch with someone in charge. Write them an email that includes your user name and the address of your article. Tell them that you are a voracious spammer and a hacker spy from China and are going to take down their website if they mess with you. Tell them you know their home addresses too, and where their kids go to school. Then say something bad about their mom. That should be good enough to get your article cut off or blocked forever. Then you don’t have worry about someone else trying to stick it on there and screw your goal of zero revenue.

Using the spell check in MS Word will help you.  If anything is not underlined in red, you messed up, go add a letter or something.
Using the spell check in MS Word will help you. If anything is not underlined in red, you messed up, go add a letter or something.

3. Spell Like Crap

Spelling correctly is a number one way to end up with some damn person stumbling upon one of your hubs by mistake. Take for example my example of Barbed Wire G-Strings. Obviously nobody is looking for barbed wire g-strings. They’re too painful even for the pain-loving, leather-clad crowd. So, nobody will seek them. However, someone might find an article with this keyword phrase just by using the term “g-string” despite how many other articles and things are out there on that topic. It’s unlikely, but it could happen. They find your hub, there’s some Frederick's of Hollywood ad on there, and BAM, you just made money. YOU FAIL!

So, to prevent that from happening, spell bad. The correct way to spell Barbed Wire G-String for optimal poverty is: Xiodialm opoeaajaiopj eoia#a;d. See that. I didn’t even try to spell it right. I just mashed the keys. BAM, that’s my spelling. I will never, ever get any search traffic ever with a hub dedicated to keywords with that spelling. Ever.

4. Insult the Reader

Now, with all that done in steps one through three, it is still possible that you find yourself with someone navigating their way to your article. So, if this is the case, there is really nothing you can do about it since they are already there. However, what you can do is run them off right away. I like a good insult right out of the gate. I often start my hubs with things like:

“Welcome reader. Obviously since you have come to this article you are a moron. I’m not sure if it’s just stupidity that brought you here or if you are a retarded spastic. I’m guessing the latter, and your most recent spasm has you lolling about face-rolling the keyboard which has brought you here randomly—likely at this very moment you are drooling into your keys prior to the short circuit that is going to electrocute your eleven remaining brain cells to steaming nothingness in that cavernous, elephant-man head of yours. Please leave or I will commence tracing your IP and bombing you with virus spam from now to eternity. Thanks.”

That’s my favorite one, which you are free to use, but I’m sure you can think of one that works even better to repel people from your hubs too. Something uniquely you. Have fun with it.

WARNING: Black Hat anti-SEO technique
WARNING: Black Hat anti-SEO technique

5. Blow Up Your Google Account

This is probably the easiest one, but, I’ll be honest, it’s so easy that only rookie Internet paupers try it. There is no style in it. It is the black hat method of anti-SEO. But, I’ll share it with you anyway, just so you know it. It’s very simple really. Navigate to the Google TOS and read it carefully. Take note of everything they say not to do. All the stuff about graphic content, sexuality, porn, racism, hate, revealing Google secrets, all that stuff. Memorize all that stuff and then just do all of it. Write a hub about racist sluts who hate homosexuals and show lots of pictures and videos of them having sex while screaming out the intricacies of Google’s Adsense program in every finest detail. Do that and you are sooooooooooo out of here.

Like I said, it’s sort of a cheap way of doing it, low brow and won’t earn you any respect from those of us in the HP community who make no money by way of our artistry in repelling readers, but hey, it’s your deal. If you can live with it, I’m not going to judge you.

Conclusion

I really hope this helps you in your efforts to earn nothing on the Internet. I realize at first you might end up making a few pennies by mistake, but if you keep working at it, practice what I have taught you, you will eventually be able to rest assured there will be no checks waiting for you in the mail. And that, my friends, is the measure of your awesomeness.

I’d love to see Ryankett, Misha or Sunforged try to accomplish my level of mastery at that!

I have included a 6th tip for failing online, did you notice it?

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    • Suzanne Day profile image

      Suzanne Day 2 years ago from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

      This is hilarious! Though I'm kinda glad I didn't happen upon it 3 years ago as a HP newbie or I might have thought you were serious ;) Great hub and following you today.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California

      See, just proves I know how to dominate the SERPs for major keywords. :P

    • bat115 profile image

      Tim 4 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      A search for Barbed Wire g-strings brought me here. Don't judge me!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Hi Kaitlincolee. I'm glad you roared. Thanks for telling me too!

    • kaitlincolee profile image

      kaitlincolee 5 years ago

      Wow this is one hilarious hub!! A refreshing read that makes us writers roar with laughter. I look forwarding to reading more!

    • habee profile image

      Holle Abee 5 years ago from Georgia

      I see I read this one long ago, but that was before that wonderful comment appeared. lol. Another rate-up!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California

      Stick to my advice, Blairtracy, and I promise you will die a pauper and leave nothing to your progeny if your desire is to write online.

    • blairtracy profile image

      blairtracy 5 years ago from Canada

      I fully enjoyed reading this hub. Especially the pictures. haha

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      LOL, but you know given the context Kahn's comment was priceless. Obviously well meaning, but still good stuff. Or else it's just me. Anyway, glad you got a chuckle out of it.

    • Sunny Barb profile image

      Barbara Lease Walker 6 years ago from Central Florida

      Okay, Shades,

      You knew after our exchange on your cat piece, I had to come over here and check this out. Pure genius! I am so inspired to see I have been doing everything correctly. And.....I am thinking after reading all the comments..."I think I will never follow you." My sides hurt...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Thanks, Hoff. I know there's lots of techniques out there for getting your page ranked that I didn't make fun of, like, for random example, leaving comments on other people's articles with links embedded in your user name, but I didn't bother with that specifically. Maybe next time. :D

    • profile image

      The Hoff 6 years ago

      It is almost impossible to avoid the endless 'Make money online' blogs, articles and SEO's constantly striving to rank for the term... good to see a more grounded and thoughtful post :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Oh, it's going to get infected. I suggest you put a mustard poultice on your eyes and frontal lobe just to be on the safe side.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest

      I think what I was going to say is that your sense of humor is delightfully wicked and sharp. So sharp, in fact, that I sustained a small cut just reading your post. Nothing serious, more like a little paper cut. But you know how painful those can be. I hope it doesn't get infected.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      WOw, they're going to be dissaponted to find out about the movie party and the day spa. I understand that Google really likes to have a foot massage while watching Kathy Bates movies. And I have no idea what you were going to say, and therefore have even less an idea what I am going to say in response to it.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest

      Thank you for all your helpful advice. I already knew about the google one, though. I made them mad at me a few weeks ago. Now they won't return my calls and I guess we won't be meeting at the mall for afternoon shopping or trips to the day spa either. Bummer. Google Adsense is unforgiving. As revenge on them, I did not send them a Christmas card this year and plan to exclude them from my home movie party next spring. They'll be so sorry. Anyway, now I'm off topic. What was it I was going to say?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Well, I reckon it all comes down to whether or not you buy what the imam/pastor/priest/rabbi are selling. If you ain't, then who cares if they'er pissed. Make a mint, donate to the cause and they'll get over how irate they are. You get to enjoy the island, they are happy, and, if you are wrong and they are right, well, from your position of wealth, you can begin to atone for your sins by doing good deeds for your fellow islanders and hopefully work it off before you croak. Win-win. :D

    • jeffduff profile image

      Jeff Duff 6 years ago from Southwest Wisconsin

      Let's examine your choices:

      1) Keep your integrity and stay economically insecure, like me and 98% of Hubbers;

      or

      2) Be identified as a hypocrite, infuriate your imam/pastor/priest/rabbi and retire with riches to a beautiful island resort in the Caribbean.

      Being of weak will, I would be mightily tempted to bear the anger of the masses and retire wealthy to a tropical paradise. But, your mileage may vary ...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      That is an excellent idea, Jeffduff, but then, wouldn't that technically be making money and thereby render me a hypocrite?

    • jeffduff profile image

      Jeff Duff 6 years ago from Southwest Wisconsin

      Have you considered turning this subject into a book?

      By definition, writers of below-average ability make up almost 50% of the population. This would be a huge pool of consumers who would read your book!

      Consider this as my free gift to your 'Caribbean Retirement Fund".

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Glad you liked this thing, Mark Ewbie. The comments are the best on it though. There's one up there that I won't point out again because I did too many times before, but that just makes me laugh and laugh. Not in a bad way either, just, it's funny to see how different all of us Earth people are.

      If you let me know who sent you, I can forward them their half of the .0000005 cents pageview commission I got from the visit; it's only fair.

    • Mark Ewbie profile image

      Mark Ewbie 6 years ago from Euroland

      Yes damn you, that's pretty good stuff. I am going to have to up my game, it was good enough for minor forum trolling but this is a higher level.

      Someone recommended I visit to see how the master does it... glad I did.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Oh, she laughs alright. Probably not for what you're suggesting here, but she does laugh. lol.

      Truth be told, she always tells me that's one of the main reasons she married me. We do have fun. She makes it easy to be happy though, and that helps for finding humor.

    • marisuewrites profile image

      marisuewrites 6 years ago from USA

      OH. ohhhhh. AW ha! So. That's what I've been doing wrong.

      It took me a week to quit laughing about this...Your mind is in serious trouble. How do you think this stuff up??? Does your wife laugh constantly, or perhaps she's like me. My husband is funny, too. Or so I'm told.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      That's fantastic, Pranshu. Not only will you make nothing here, you will have the joy of being a total a-hole to everyone, which is, in my opinion, the real joy of HP. I'd much rather be rude than rich!

    • |Pranshu| profile image

      Intellikid 6 years ago from The Information SuperHighway

      Awesome Shadesbreath, know what the good part is? I'm new here so I can start following your tips right away. I mean a lot of people here are regretting not having read your tips before they posted all these money-magnet hubs. But not me. Ok now, off I go thinking of creative ways to insult my readers in my new hub.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

      Thanks. Just doing my part to help the online community. :D

    • WRITTENBYSHAWN profile image

      WRITTENBYSHAWN 6 years ago from Port William, Ohio

      Love It!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      I'm up with the ranks of something, Katiem, just not sure who they are or what we're up to. :)

    • katiem2 profile image

      katiem2 7 years ago from I'm outta here

      LMAO, Whew thanks for the great roll, your the prince of healing when it comes to that laughter is the best medicine. You really must be up with the ranks of the best to know exactly what not to do. Loved IT!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      I think I could probably do that now. I've run up some debt in recent years, so I'm pretty good at deficit spending. I'm sure I have the skill set to destroy the national wealth at least as fast as we are now.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

      Well shades, that just shows the benefits of a tertiary education.

      I know you've been studing recently, and if you try a little bit harder, I'm sure that you could easily top the lofty benchmark that I have set.

      In fact, I see a government job as an economist in the future for you!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Wow, that's an impressive strategy. I confess to having been unwilling to actually invest in my own financial destruction. That takes a degree of business acumen that even I do not possess. Nicely done, Eric. You truly are a ninja of poverty!

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

      Hey Shadebreath.

      You're truly inspiring, you know.

      I just applied a little twist to your technique, did some Pay Per Click for the killer phrase "Make money easy" on google adwords.

      Bid $15 per click, and just spent $482,430

      If you REALLY want to not make money, THAT's the way to go!

      Not the nickel and dime stuff that you share here!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Strictly the facts, I always say, DawnM. Strictly the facts. Or at least I usually say that. I have, on occasion said that. I think.

    • dawnM profile image

      Dawn Michael 7 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

      great information, and so true about everything that you pointed out especially about blowing up your google account....lol got to love that one

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Sarcastic? What can you possibly mean by that, Stephanie o? What were you laughing at? Was your cat doing something funny or something while you should have been reading carefully? I really prefer if you focus when you read my hubs and not be distracted by amusements on the side, thanks.

      :D

    • stephanie o profile image

      stephanie o 7 years ago from Pacifica, CA

      Wow.... I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while!!! You have a very great wit that's fun to read, all the while offering sarcastic advice. I love it!

    • profile image

      Justin Dupre 7 years ago

      Very informative and useful! Nice job on putting up together this 5 ways not to make money online haha.. I agree with being on good side with Google.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      I hear that's a great business to be in, Ericsomething. Good luck with that. Sorry to hear about your impending profits. Maybe you can still catch it in time and wreck it. Good luck with that too.

    • ericsomething profile image

      Eric Pulsifer 7 years ago from Charleston, SC

      Shadesbreath, this is great! Very useful stuff. I need to start implementing some of these steps; my work of late had been threatening to scuttle my hard-fought nonprofit status. Serious insults to come on my next Hub, which will be about farming oysters in your bathtub.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Yes, it's not very admirable to do though. Anyone can break all the rules and get kicked out. It's more fun to suck with style.

    • charmstotreasure profile image

      charmstotreasure 7 years ago

      Neat tips! BLowing up GOogle, wow, hadn't thought of that :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      See, DaniS74, technically my techniques are already setting you back financially. Imagine your losses when you use them to write stuff into your computer rather than just spraying on it.

    • DaniS74 profile image

      DaniS74 7 years ago

      Hilarous! A great way to finish my first cup of coffe, even if I did just spit it out all over my screen. :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Aww, bummer, Mighty Mom, that would have been fun. I pretty much only do them on Friday nights. It originated almost as a drinking game, to be honest. Cags is gone and made it legit. I'll have to find the thread and see who all you got t come and play.

      Hi Tina, that is a very nice thing to see, and I'm glad you got a laugh out of this. Sorry about the floor thing, but I guess that happens. :D Welcome to HP.

      Pete Sardino, AAAAAAAA I thoughtAAAAAAA the FedAAAAA LOVED AAAAAAAAAdestruction of wealth.AAA :)

    • Pete Sardino profile image

      Pete Sardino 7 years ago from Off Piste

      AAAAIAAAA justAA got S.p.a.M.AAAAfromAAAA the F.E>D--AAAAappparentlyAAAAthe'reAAAAupsetAAAA aboot the desstruction of wealth AAAcommentAAAA having eliminated the national debt paid in full. Chairs!

    • profile image

      Tina Truelove 7 years ago

      LOL!!! I am brand new at Hubpages so I'm glad I found this in time. I have spent every waking moment of the last week of my life doing it all wrong. I'm glad you set me straight in the beginning. Now I'm going to pick myself up off the floor from laughing so hard and try to compose myself long enough to correct my mistakes!

      Seriously, this is incredibly creative and hilarious. I thing you will fail at not making money here. I look forward to reading more from you.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      You online? Cagsil is running a contest to write a hub in 30 minutes. We would love to have you in on it. I know my hub, at least, will be a huge money loser...

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Sarcasm is Irony's little sister. :)

    • rmr profile image

      rmr 7 years ago from Livonia, MI

      Except for sarcasm, right?

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Nothing says "fun" like irony!

    • kmackey32 profile image

      kmackey32 7 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      I think you are going to make money with this hub... haha

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Hi Real McCoy. I'm glad to have entertained you, and it's nice to know my plan has worked, so thanks for saying so. As for the mentor thing, I do charge very heavily for mentoring, and, as you have already begun considering me a mentor, you now owe me money. Please send it right away. Thanks.

    • Real McCoy profile image

      Real McCoy 7 years ago from Philippines

      This gave me a laugh! You entertained me so much Shadesbreath! I have to think of considering you as a mentor (lol!) :D

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Seanorjohn, I confess that most of my efforts have been on destitution. I hate to admit that I might not have your anti-social prowess, so I won't. I will continue to make noise like I can match you, and work secretely behind the scene writing an article that I will no SEO to undermine you somehow. I'm not sure how that will work, but poor planning is essential to good anti-SEO, so, I'm on it.

      AEvans, I'm glad I could help you feel better. Perhaps a blanket to sit on next time before you sit down to read will be in order, just in case. One can never be to cautious when reading satire.

      Kmackey: OMG thank you. :D

      Hi Don. You win the ducky prize for being the first person to comment on that chick and her sumptuous bootay popping out of the nether regions of this hub. Thank you for that. You know, the little details that we sarcasts place so carefully into this sort of thing can be painful when they are missed. Especially the accidental gems that rear their shiny, well-oiled, erm, heads?

    • Don Simkovich profile image

      Don Simkovich 7 years ago from Pasadena, CA

      Hey, I'll check out the book below about SEO with the gorgeous gal . . . quit bragging! I know alot about not making money online with Amazon. I'm great at it!

    • kmackey32 profile image

      kmackey32 7 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

      OMG way too funny...

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      You made me laugh so hard I almost tinkled! lolololo NOw that I have learned the art of not making money I feel so much better now. lololo Great one Shades! :D

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 7 years ago

      Shades, give up.You know I am destined to be crowned the top anti- social hubber. You will never come close. I am also applying to hubpages to revoke that rogue 1 cent revenue.I might still go for the double.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Dammit! I do that when I argue with my wife too. I need to work on my tactical argument skills instead of my wealth destruction techniques.

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 7 years ago

      Shades, you may not realise but you gave away too much info. I am on your case matey.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Timorous, it hard to be an abject failure, but if you keep on trying to weed out anything useful in your work, you will eventually succeed. Each year after tax time, you get a fresh slate and a new chance to earn nothing again. Don't despair.

      Three-legged dog: I'm glad you appreciated that. Those are my "6th tip" so to speak. :D

    • Three-Legged Dog profile image

      Three-Legged Dog 7 years ago from USA

      The tags for this thread are hilarious! LMBO! :)

    • timorous profile image

      timorous 7 years ago from Me to You

      Hey Shadesbreath...you're right, being an abject failure is hard work. Somehow I've accidentally earned $1.84 thru Adsense during my 6 months here (I don't think I could buy a Popsicle with that). Not only that, someone had the audacity to click on one of my Amazon ads.

      What's the world coming to?... (hopefully not my hubs, if I have any hope of being the consumate loser). Congrats on an absolutely hilarious, but useless (and spokeless) hub.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Surf Traveler, thanks for saying so. It was fun to write too.

      Mighty Mom, I assure you nothing is not in it for me. You have my word on that. As always, you cut to the chase, don't you. :P

      Seanorjohn, I don't know what click on one of your ads in the upper right hand corner on the third of the month you are making reference to and am innocent of all charges. (Thanks for the link in forums too, btw, very cool--and feel free to reveal any of Kyriana's misdeeds as you feel necessary and willing to endure whater wrath you might subsequently incur from her ).

      KYriana, perhaps you should resign yourself to a fate of success and just commit to being horrible at not making money by trying to not make money and accept the fact that you are destined to make money trying not to just as you say you are destined to not make money trying to. It seems you have options. Be grateful. Or, don't be grateful and just do it and buy me a new truck, mine has duck poop on it.

      FuzzyCookie: thanks. I have pure gratitude for your comment.

      Starme: Please do. They need the help. If they find Sunforged first, it's all over. They will be doomed to success.

    • starme77 profile image

      starme77 7 years ago

      Freaking Awesome - I'll send all the newbies in the forums here :)

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 7 years ago

      Kyriana, I have already exposed you as a lying, devious bullshitter on the hubbers hangout.I hope Shades doesn't mind me explaining to his visitors the extent of your deceiving ways.This Kyriana has a hub claiming to be a chief procrastinator.Does that sound like the action of someone who so readily follows me?I have agreed to follow back so I can unearth how else we are being deceived. Public humiliation will swiftly follow.Are you the double dealing jerk who ruined my hub account by giving me my 1 cent revenue?

    • FuzzyCookie profile image

      FuzzyCookie 7 years ago

      Pure awesomeness :D

    • Kyriana profile image

      Kyriana 7 years ago from Midwest US

      Shadesbreath,

      I am the Yin to your Yang. I've done the exact opposite of your valuable advice and haven't had a click yet. I think my lethal weapon may be boring topics that people aren't interested in. Or it's possible that I'm in the bizarro world and if I implement your strategies; I will make millions. (sorry folks, no equipment for the video portion)

      PS @ seanorjohn- you're gaining followers

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 7 years ago

      That single one cent on my account comes back to haunt me. Yeh, rub it in man.I can't prove that you are somehow connected to this blatant sabotage but I am determined to catch the scoundrel.

      By the way, I posted top 5 ways to not make money on the hubbers hangout suggesting you be appointed the alternative extreme hubmakeover champion.Boy you are going to get some heavy duty work coming your way.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Yeah, yeah. Great hub (will rate it "useful") and all that.

      But I gotta question your motives.

      What's not in it for you, this sudden sharing of your success formula?

    • surf traveler profile image

      surf traveler 7 years ago

      What a great hub. I loved it, good twist.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Alright, I'll accept that you might be able to blow out more friends than I can in 30 days, BUT, can you do it without making a cent? Hmmm?

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 7 years ago

      Shades I know I can't take you on the commercial side but I think I can get ahead of you on the social side.I am working on a strategy to lose all my followers in 30 days. The 30 day anti-social challenge.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Hubpageswriter: Khan's comment is going to be hard to top for a long time. I've had some comments on my Gay Proposal hub that were almost as good, but not quite.

      Thanks Bryan Eaddy. I think we all make them; I think we have to to figure it out. Unfortunately, I'm too lazy to actually do it right, so, well, I mostly take my own bad advice by default. (sigh).

      Creativelycc: Heh, heh. Err... What? I have no idea what you mean! :P

      Seanorjohn: Oh, I could do that one for sure! And, I could write it poorly following all the above and make no money WHILE making no friends. Win-Win.

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 7 years ago

      Shades, you have cracked the commercial side.Why don't you follow this up with a hub, "How to lose friends and alienate people".

    • creativelycc profile image

      Carrie L. Cronkite 7 years ago from Maine

      Excellent, reverse psychology does work!

    • profile image

      Bryan Eaddy 7 years ago

      Very nice! I've actually made all of those mistakes.

    • profile image

      hubpageswriter 7 years ago

      Sorry, but I've got to add that the Khan comment made me smile too. Widely, I'd say. Kepe th hubs cming.:p

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Thanks, Sara555, tag selection is essential to the destruction of wealth. You pick the wrong tag, you'll get traffic, and then where will you be?

    • Sara555 profile image

      Sara555 7 years ago

      Wow! This is amazing advice!!! I can't wait to try these tips :) by the way, I love your tags :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Hi Alison, I'm glad that you enjoyed the tags. They are the secret 6th technique for wiping out financially online. Nothing says "failure" like really dumb, unrelated tags for your article. Thanks vore the up-vote.

      Eric, it does not surprise me that I would own Google for that term as I have spend an inordinate amount of time and money spinning articles and other things to make sure I have supremacy on that one. As for your hubscore, I was under the impression your goal in hubbing was to be the Hades of Hub scores, representing the abyss of article aptitude and the subterranian supremacy of SEO suckage.

    • Eric Graudins profile image

      Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

      shades,

      you'll be pleased to learn the you are at the top of Google for the extremely competitive term

      Shadesbreath shouldnt drink and hub

      I now expect you to do something about my hub score, which has dropped to abysmal levels.

    • Alison Graham profile image

      Alison Graham 7 years ago from UK

      This is the first thing I have read this morning and it is just brilliant, the tags are so funny too! Thank you for helping me to start my day with a smile! Voted up!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Alex X, I'm with you totally on that. I'm waiting for someone to take my advice and do it. That's a youtube video everyone can enjoy.

      Rebecca E, I am certainly happy to have you share the wealth of my anti-SEO knowledge with anyone you think can handle this sort of power. Make sure you distribute it with caution. Imagine the chaos if too many people had it and used it carelessly!

      Hi Lilfaerie, thanks (and cute kid :)

      Jill of alltrades, I know how to dish out something, that's for sure. But, in the absense of real knowledge, I must dish what I do have in the stables of my mind. :D

      Contrarian for certain, Forlan. I come from a long line of contrarians. We can't help it. Thanks for reading.

    • forlan profile image

      forlan 7 years ago

      Perhaps this is a new idea. This looks like contrarian strategy.

    • jill of alltrades profile image

      jill of alltrades 7 years ago from Philippines

      Hahaha!!! This is a riot! You really know how to dish out something totally out of this world!

      Thanks for making me start with my early morning exercise of laughing!

      Have a great day!

    • lilfaerie profile image

      lilfaerie 7 years ago from Hemet, CA

      lol, very funny hub! Nice job :)

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 7 years ago from Canada

      okay I love it, so I am sorry to say that I will not link this hub anywhere but will send it to the appropritte hb of mine which will of course not make us money. We will be laughing all teh way to the bank with ducks on our heels (sorry... I don't know if you read that hub or not... couldn't resist...)

      as for me, I will not follow these steps as listed, but I know a few people who need a good laugh...

    • Alex X profile image

      Alex X 7 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      "A hub about racist sluts who hate homosexuals and show lots of pictures and videos of them having sex while screaming out the intricacies of Google’s Adsense program in every finest detail." That would be the stuff of legends.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Thanks Sjames, that is kind of you to say. :)

      Yes, Nicomp, I believe that is possibly quite OK.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Shadesbreath, it is indeed my plan to not implement your negative suggestions in hope of positively impacting my earnings accrual. OK?

    • sjames4444 profile image

      sjames4444 7 years ago

      Great idea on a hub. This one is great.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
      Author

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Nicomp, I am absolutely uncertain of the gratitude, or lack thereof, that I may or may not bestow upon your remark regarding my positive negative strategies. I hope you do or do not get whatever it is that you vacillate between wanting from your Internet writing life depending upon the nature of the impulse itself.

      Or something. :)

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      This has been quite a learning experience for me. Thank you so much for taking the time to provide negative learning tools. Your paradigm illustrates a positively negative reinforcement strategy optimized for optimal web earnings. Or something like that.

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Lukeyg83, that is an EXCELLENT tag for a site, and it is no wonder that you have nearly decimated all earnings. You keep up that kind of fabulous anti-SEO techniques and I see food stamps in your future, my friend. Nicely done.

    • lukeyg83 profile image

      lukeyg83 7 years ago from Leicester

      Damn youre good. I im a recent convert to the school of anti-SEO and have so far managed to take my monthly earnings from $435 to $1.49. Obviously I still have a lot to learn, but it's a step in the right direction. Ive unoptimised my site completely now (my title tag says: 'F*%k off, this page is irrelevant', for instance) so hopefully next month I will earn no money whatsoever!

    • Shadesbreath profile image
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      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Well, 2patricias, if your goal is to develop techniques to get to the top, you have to admit, ranking well for Porn has to be considered a real accomplishment. That has to be the most searched area of the internet one would think, so, kudos for that. Just be glad I don't know you well enough to write a hub teasing you about it, proclaiming your porn mastery or something and making a big comical spot light to shine on your obsession! :D

    • 2patricias profile image

      2patricias 7 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

      We would be laughing harder, but we have probably accidently done all the things you list. We would like to make some money, but being paupers is like falling off a log where we are concerned.

      Don't know how many times we have got to be top of the Google list for terms that nobody every searches.

      We completely failed to understand the HubPages tags until Ryankett kindly explained them in one of his 'how to succeed' hubs.

      We have accidently been 'porn' rated (honest!!!)