The Top Five Ways NOT to Make Money Online - Secrets of Anti-SEO
So much noise and wind is being made by people like Misha and Sunforged and Darkside and others about how to make money online. They have all these secrets that help you get your articles out there and picked up by search engines, optimized by key words, read by people, clicked on by people, make money, blah blah. So what? Everyone writes articles about that.
What's that? You don’t think everyone is writing about that? Really? Go do some keyword research on “make money online” and see how that comes up. Go ahead, do it. I dare you. You’re going to find way over a million searches and a huge category that, obviously, everyone is writing to and competing for traffic and clicks. Sure, Misha and those guys are all good at it, and they’re honest and their stuff works, unlike a lot of the crap out there, but that’s not my point. So what if they’re knowledgeable and profitable? Big deal. So are Bill Gates and Warren Buffet.
I know something all those guys don’t.
I know how to NOT make money online. Those guys don’t know one thing about that. In fact, they suck at not making money. That’s why they don’t write about it. They can’t even do it. Hah! Which means, there is nobody writing about it at all. Search it. You’ll get nothing. (Notice the image below … and that I had to cheat and drop the “how to” part, because if you search how to not make money as a whole, you get NOTHING. Doesn’t even come up.)
But don’t think less of these illustrious Hubbers for it, because most people don’t really know how to not make money online like I do. I mean, sure, a lot of people have some degree of gift for it, but have they refined it down to a science like I have? I think not. Nobody makes no money online like I do. Some might say, “Oh, if you do this you won’t make money,” or maybe, “I didn’t do such and such, and that didn’t make any money either.” But that’s not expertise. Not like the kind I have. So, while it may seem a bit egotistical to compare my accomplishments to someone like a Ryankett or Mark Knowles or Edweirdo, the truth is, I am easily their equal, if not far superior to them, when it comes to the anti-SEO skills and the techniques required to not make money online. And, because they are all good people and decide to share their secrets with you from time to time, I have decided, in my own particular brand of goodness, to share my secrets of not making money online with you too, so you will have balance in your approach to the Internet. You won’t be stuck with only their advice. So without further adieu, here’s all you have to do.
1. Pick Stupid Keywords
That’s right, you have to pick stupid keywords. You just can’t go for keywords of stuff that people might actually search for if you want to wipe out financially online. You have to be VERY careful in your choice of keywords or you might accidentally get traffic to your article—that is VERY bad for not making money online. Even one visitor might accidentally click on some ad or another and end up buying something and then you are screwed right out of the gate.
So, that said, pick really horrific ones. Pick something like Pus Flavored Tooth Paste or maybe Barbed Wire G-Strings. Spend some time thinking about it; be creative; think of things that just don't go together at all. Then test it. Check it out on Adwords and make sure it won’t get any traffic. Do your homework or you might make money and totally defeat the purpose. So don’t be lazy.
2. No Directory Submission or Backlinking
No matter what, you must never, ever submit to a directory submission service, any kind of backlinking tool or even blog about your article. You must never do it. In fact, if you really want to make sure you don’t somehow get listed somewhere, go to all the most popular sites like Shetoldme.com or Stumbleupon.com or even straight to Bing or Yahoo and find out how to get in touch with someone in charge. Write them an email that includes your user name and the address of your article. Tell them that you are a voracious spammer and a hacker spy from China and are going to take down their website if they mess with you. Tell them you know their home addresses too, and where their kids go to school. Then say something bad about their mom. That should be good enough to get your article cut off or blocked forever. Then you don’t have worry about someone else trying to stick it on there and screw your goal of zero revenue.
3. Spell Like Crap
Spelling correctly is a number one way to end up with some damn person stumbling upon one of your hubs by mistake. Take for example my example of Barbed Wire G-Strings. Obviously nobody is looking for barbed wire g-strings. They’re too painful even for the pain-loving, leather-clad crowd. So, nobody will seek them. However, someone might find an article with this keyword phrase just by using the term “g-string” despite how many other articles and things are out there on that topic. It’s unlikely, but it could happen. They find your hub, there’s some Frederick's of Hollywood ad on there, and BAM, you just made money. YOU FAIL!
So, to prevent that from happening, spell bad. The correct way to spell Barbed Wire G-String for optimal poverty is: Xiodialm opoeaajaiopj eoia#a;d. See that. I didn’t even try to spell it right. I just mashed the keys. BAM, that’s my spelling. I will never, ever get any search traffic ever with a hub dedicated to keywords with that spelling. Ever.
4. Insult the Reader
Now, with all that done in steps one through three, it is still possible that you find yourself with someone navigating their way to your article. So, if this is the case, there is really nothing you can do about it since they are already there. However, what you can do is run them off right away. I like a good insult right out of the gate. I often start my hubs with things like:
“Welcome reader. Obviously since you have come to this article you are a moron. I’m not sure if it’s just stupidity that brought you here or if you are a retarded spastic. I’m guessing the latter, and your most recent spasm has you lolling about face-rolling the keyboard which has brought you here randomly—likely at this very moment you are drooling into your keys prior to the short circuit that is going to electrocute your eleven remaining brain cells to steaming nothingness in that cavernous, elephant-man head of yours. Please leave or I will commence tracing your IP and bombing you with virus spam from now to eternity. Thanks.”
That’s my favorite one, which you are free to use, but I’m sure you can think of one that works even better to repel people from your hubs too. Something uniquely you. Have fun with it.
5. Blow Up Your Google Account
This is probably the easiest one, but, I’ll be honest, it’s so easy that only rookie Internet paupers try it. There is no style in it. It is the black hat method of anti-SEO. But, I’ll share it with you anyway, just so you know it. It’s very simple really. Navigate to the Google TOS and read it carefully. Take note of everything they say not to do. All the stuff about graphic content, sexuality, porn, racism, hate, revealing Google secrets, all that stuff. Memorize all that stuff and then just do all of it. Write a hub about racist sluts who hate homosexuals and show lots of pictures and videos of them having sex while screaming out the intricacies of Google’s Adsense program in every finest detail. Do that and you are sooooooooooo out of here.
Like I said, it’s sort of a cheap way of doing it, low brow and won’t earn you any respect from those of us in the HP community who make no money by way of our artistry in repelling readers, but hey, it’s your deal. If you can live with it, I’m not going to judge you.
I really hope this helps you in your efforts to earn nothing on the Internet. I realize at first you might end up making a few pennies by mistake, but if you keep working at it, practice what I have taught you, you will eventually be able to rest assured there will be no checks waiting for you in the mail. And that, my friends, is the measure of your awesomeness.
I’d love to see Ryankett, Misha or Sunforged try to accomplish my level of mastery at that!