The Wit and Wisdom of My Favorite Author

Step aside PJ O'Rourke. Stand down Douglas Adams. The wit and wisdom of my favorite author, Alistair Eisenschuz, makes you all look like grade school dropouts with crayons. Well, I suppose that entertaining prose could be composed with crayons, but probably not those big thick ones that need to be peeled every few words and require a special sharpener.

Probably my favorite Eisenschuz work is The Last Dizzy Cowboy, written during the author's brief but prolific sojourn to Patagonia shortly after graduating from online college:

"That's a really shaggy dog you got there."

I love that line. Every time I hear it referenced on late night TV I giggle myself to sleep. Is there any cable channel that hasn't used it in a promo?

At the end of the first chapter, as Eisenschuz introduces the flat-footed somnolent world-traveler who will shortly morph into his signature anti-hero, remember this exchange between the two insolent Sherpa guides?

Sherpa 1: "Who is this guy? His pack is absurdly heavy!"

Sherpa 2: "Shh! He's a big tipper!"

Sherpa 1: "OK, thanks!"

Who among us can read that and keep a straight face?

Dissected mercilessly by online and offline critics, Eisenschuz realized precious little commercial success through his foray into the darkly nebulous world of Cracker Barrel peg games. Though the book proved to be largely anecdotal, Eisenschuz demonstrated his prodigious research skills by eating breakfast at every Cracker Barrel restaurant south of the Mason Dixon Line. His depiction of the beverage selections on the Breakfast Menu stands as a masterful work in the non-fiction franchise restaurant genre.

"The orange juice looked expensive but it came complete with a paper-wrapped straw."

"Who in the world drinks a Large Tomato Juice? Gross!"

I could go on and on, but, as Eisenschuz plainly stated in Tears of a Yard Gnome;

"Stop going on and on, you are really really boring."

At the pinnacle of his career, Eisenschuz penned his unforgettable tome "I'm at the Pinnacle of my Career?", and watched his fame rocket to new unforeseen heights as virtually every community college campus succumbed to the decaffeinated 7-Up craze personified by his main character, Luke Up. Luke undoubtedly battled his demons throughout the book. Eventually, after over 1300 pages, he emerged completely scathed to utter the famous phrase:

"Who do I have to ignore around here to get a Pepsi?"

Critics pointed to the 6 figure check from Pepsi accepted by Eisenschuz shortly after he sold the movie rights, but no one could argue that we all wanted to be Luke at that moment. Our own college experiences were brought into sharp focus by the struggling antics of Luke and his immense student loans.

So many works, so little space to recall them all. Please feel free to record your own favorite snippets of Eisenschuz erudition in the comment box below. I thank you and his worldwide cadre of blindingly loyal fans thanks you.

No one thought, or even suspected, that Eisenschuz had any political prose in him. The slightest inkling that he possessed a modicum of talent in that direction reduced his most ardent fans to gales of hysterical asthmatic wheezing. Imagine our surprise when Internet bloggers began fervently whispering of possible rumors surrounding suggestions that Alistair Eisenschuz might be considering the option of taking on an international political thriller centered around his most famous character, Rack Jyan.

We could hardly believe our monitors. Rack Jyan engulfed in the cut-throat intrigue, the tense fast-paced give-and-take, the inevitable compromise of high-powered Washington DC? After what seemed like years of waiting in line at Half-Priced Books, we were able to secure a copy of Eisenschuz's political masterwork, Washington DC is Hot in the Summer. Without question, my favorite line from WDCHS (as we insiders referred to it) is the opening sentence of  Chapter 1:

"In the Summer, Washington DC is like a very hot city with people going in all different directions, unless you're standing in line for the Smithsonian, then you are all moving in the same direction."

The words still give me chills.