ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Wit and Wisdom of My Favorite Author

Updated on September 24, 2009

The Wit and Wisdom of My Favorite Author

Step aside PJ O'Rourke. Stand down Douglas Adams. The wit and wisdom of my favorite author, Alistair Eisenschuz, makes you all look like grade school dropouts with crayons. Well, I suppose that entertaining prose could be composed with crayons, but probably not those big thick ones that need to be peeled every few words and require a special sharpener.

Who can Forget This Unforgettable Message?

Probably my favorite Eisenschuz work is The Last Dizzy Cowboy, written during the author's brief but prolific sojourn to Patagonia shortly after graduating from online college:

"That's a really shaggy dog you got there."

I love that line. Every time I hear it referenced on late night TV I giggle myself to sleep. Is there any cable channel that hasn't used it in a promo?

At the end of the first chapter, as Eisenschuz introduces the flat-footed somnolent world-traveler who will shortly morph into his signature anti-hero, remember this exchange between the two insolent Sherpa guides?

Sherpa 1: "Who is this guy? His pack is absurdly heavy!"

Sherpa 2: "Shh! He's a big tipper!"

Sherpa 1: "OK, thanks!"

Who among us can read that and keep a straight face?

Panned by Critics, Memorable Nevertheless

Dissected mercilessly by online and offline critics, Eisenschuz realized precious little commercial success through his foray into the darkly nebulous world of Cracker Barrel peg games. Though the book proved to be largely anecdotal, Eisenschuz demonstrated his prodigious research skills by eating breakfast at every Cracker Barrel restaurant south of the Mason Dixon Line. His depiction of the beverage selections on the Breakfast Menu stands as a masterful work in the non-fiction franchise restaurant genre.

"The orange juice looked expensive but it came complete with a paper-wrapped straw."

"Who in the world drinks a Large Tomato Juice? Gross!"

I could go on and on, but, as Eisenschuz plainly stated in Tears of a Yard Gnome;

"Stop going on and on, you are really really boring."

The Pinnacle of His Career

At the pinnacle of his career, Eisenschuz penned his unforgettable tome "I'm at the Pinnacle of my Career?", and watched his fame rocket to new unforeseen heights as virtually every community college campus succumbed to the decaffeinated 7-Up craze personified by his main character, Luke Up. Luke undoubtedly battled his demons throughout the book. Eventually, after over 1300 pages, he emerged completely scathed to utter the famous phrase:

"Who do I have to ignore around here to get a Pepsi?"

Critics pointed to the 6 figure check from Pepsi accepted by Eisenschuz shortly after he sold the movie rights, but no one could argue that we all wanted to be Luke at that moment. Our own college experiences were brought into sharp focus by the struggling antics of Luke and his immense student loans.

Join the Party

So many works, so little space to recall them all. Please feel free to record your own favorite snippets of Eisenschuz erudition in the comment box below. I thank you and his worldwide cadre of blindingly loyal fans thanks you.

Political Prose? Positively!

No one thought, or even suspected, that Eisenschuz had any political prose in him. The slightest inkling that he possessed a modicum of talent in that direction reduced his most ardent fans to gales of hysterical asthmatic wheezing. Imagine our surprise when Internet bloggers began fervently whispering of possible rumors surrounding suggestions that Alistair Eisenschuz might be considering the option of taking on an international political thriller centered around his most famous character, Rack Jyan.

We could hardly believe our monitors. Rack Jyan engulfed in the cut-throat intrigue, the tense fast-paced give-and-take, the inevitable compromise of high-powered Washington DC? After what seemed like years of waiting in line at Half-Priced Books, we were able to secure a copy of Eisenschuz's political masterwork, Washington DC is Hot in the Summer. Without question, my favorite line from WDCHS (as we insiders referred to it) is the opening sentence of  Chapter 1:

"In the Summer, Washington DC is like a very hot city with people going in all different directions, unless you're standing in line for the Smithsonian, then you are all moving in the same direction."

The words still give me chills.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Question 6 years ago

      Why all the sighing?

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      sigh again.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA


    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      This hub is SO OLD and SO under-appreciated that hubber cosette no longer exists.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      woefully unappreciated.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Thanks much!

    • profile image

      cosette 8 years ago

      OMGSH... how is it that i never heard of Alistair Eisenschuz? thank you for enlightening the rest of us...he IS cool...

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 8 years ago from Ohio, USA

      PJ Rocks. "Eat the Rich!"

    • maven101 profile image

      maven101 8 years ago from Northern Arizona

      Haw !! Funny read, nicomp...Spilled my coffee twice ...

      PJ is the Man...Here's a couple of my fav quotes from him :

      " America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased."

      " Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."

      " The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich."

      I need another cup of coffee...Thanks, Larry


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: ""

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)