The time I sanded my lips.
Just to clarify I did not use sandpaper, none was in the house!
Ok so this is just one of those things I tend to do without thinking very hard. I have to laugh and tell about it cause it really is funny. People tell me I'm funny not because I try to like a comedian but more because of the things I do without thinking, like this.
So I was going out on a date. I had been outside a lot in the winter and my lips had happened to get chapped by the cold and wind. I tried drinking lots of water, using chapstick and even coating them at night but nothing was working. I knew I had this date coming up and since I seldom agree to dates I was a bit excited and didn't want to cancel.
All I kept thinking was that when my hands get really rough and calloused I sand them with a square emery board thing. For you guys it equates to about 180 grit sandpaper in a square 6 sided device. Ok so back on to my tale. I couldn't imagine that this would hurt anything as I did it all the time to the palms of my hands to make that dead skin go away so why wouldn't this work?
I did sort of think it out, just not the part about how long to sand, which parts to sand and what it would be like after the fact. Well I went into the bathroom where the light was good and pulled up the magnifying mirror to get a good look at my mouth. The lips were really chapped and not sure anything could save them but I had to try. I just wanted them to look ok I wasn't planning on having a big makeout session or anything (disclaimer).
I started to take a few light passes with the sanding block on my lips. Oh, it was sort of working to my surprise and I got excited. I continued making a few more passes from one end of the lip to the other both top and bottom. They actually were sloughing off the dead skin and it was less obvious to me and thus to my date.
Now like my usual self I tend to go overboard with excitement. I then started vigorously sanding, sort of like when your taking the finish off an old table you need to restore. I went to town on these things and at first it didn't hurt at all. I was quite a ways into the progress when I noticed a slight tingling to my lips as if they were sunburned. I did what I would normally do I licked them, took a drink of water and continued.
Now they were actually burning and not in a good way from kissing too much. They actually hurt and were turning not just red but a shade of purple I had never seen before. Geez I can't believe I did this and now I have this date in an hour. I'm supposed to go and try to act normal, that should be fun, how awkward this one will be. I've done some dumb things but this one you can see right on my face and there is no denying it.
Well I found some aloe and applied it so I could start to get dressed. I tried brushing my teeth but everything in that region hurt so much I couldn't get much done. I knew there was no way in Hell I'd be kissing anyone so I just wouldn't let him get close enough just in case.
I finished dressing went to the mirror and assessed the damage. It was quite extensive and I wanted to cry. What I ended up doing was rooting threw every lipstick I owned (not many) and finding a shade that would hide as much of the damage as possible. I had no choice but to follow this through and see what would happen.
Truth be told because of my choice in sweaters he really did not look at my face very much. I know he tried but luckily my chest seems to have interested him a bit more that night. I was grateful to have breasts. There were times it was actually hard to eat, drink and talk but I made it through the night. I didn't dare tell my date what I had done but was dying to tell my co-worker/friend the next day.
I waited until she was at her desk, coffee made and asking about my night. I proceeded to tell her what I had done and she doubled over with laughter. Like I said earlier, I'm not funny but the things I do are. She almost peed her pants laughing at me and I joined in once I really thought about my actions. Needless to say whenever I think about chapped lips I go into hysterics.
Ladies I have to advise you to not try this without supervision. Had my girlfriends been there they would have stopped me half way through and I would have been better off for it. Drink plenty of water and use your sunscreen chapstick. I won't but that's just me, I can never remember.
For the normal women.
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