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The time I sanded my lips.

Updated on April 22, 2012

Imperfect lips

Just to clarify I did not use sandpaper, none was in the house!

Ok so this is just one of those things I tend to do without thinking very hard. I have to laugh and tell about it cause it really is funny. People tell me I'm funny not because I try to like a comedian but more because of the things I do without thinking, like this.

So I was going out on a date. I had been outside a lot in the winter and my lips had happened to get chapped by the cold and wind. I tried drinking lots of water, using chapstick and even coating them at night but nothing was working. I knew I had this date coming up and since I seldom agree to dates I was a bit excited and didn't want to cancel.

All I kept thinking was that when my hands get really rough and calloused I sand them with a square emery board thing. For you guys it equates to about 180 grit sandpaper in a square 6 sided device. Ok so back on to my tale. I couldn't imagine that this would hurt anything as I did it all the time to the palms of my hands to make that dead skin go away so why wouldn't this work?

I did sort of think it out, just not the part about how long to sand, which parts to sand and what it would be like after the fact. Well I went into the bathroom where the light was good and pulled up the magnifying mirror to get a good look at my mouth. The lips were really chapped and not sure anything could save them but I had to try. I just wanted them to look ok I wasn't planning on having a big makeout session or anything (disclaimer).

I started to take a few light passes with the sanding block on my lips. Oh, it was sort of working to my surprise and I got excited. I continued making a few more passes from one end of the lip to the other both top and bottom. They actually were sloughing off the dead skin and it was less obvious to me and thus to my date.

Now like my usual self I tend to go overboard with excitement. I then started vigorously sanding, sort of like when your taking the finish off an old table you need to restore. I went to town on these things and at first it didn't hurt at all. I was quite a ways into the progress when I noticed a slight tingling to my lips as if they were sunburned. I did what I would normally do I licked them, took a drink of water and continued.

Now they were actually burning and not in a good way from kissing too much. They actually hurt and were turning not just red but a shade of purple I had never seen before. Geez I can't believe I did this and now I have this date in an hour. I'm supposed to go and try to act normal, that should be fun, how awkward this one will be. I've done some dumb things but this one you can see right on my face and there is no denying it.

Well I found some aloe and applied it so I could start to get dressed. I tried brushing my teeth but everything in that region hurt so much I couldn't get much done. I knew there was no way in Hell I'd be kissing anyone so I just wouldn't let him get close enough just in case.

I finished dressing went to the mirror and assessed the damage. It was quite extensive and I wanted to cry. What I ended up doing was rooting threw every lipstick I owned (not many) and finding a shade that would hide as much of the damage as possible. I had no choice but to follow this through and see what would happen.

Truth be told because of my choice in sweaters he really did not look at my face very much. I know he tried but luckily my chest seems to have interested him a bit more that night. I was grateful to have breasts. There were times it was actually hard to eat, drink and talk but I made it through the night. I didn't dare tell my date what I had done but was dying to tell my co-worker/friend the next day.

I waited until she was at her desk, coffee made and asking about my night. I proceeded to tell her what I had done and she doubled over with laughter. Like I said earlier, I'm not funny but the things I do are. She almost peed her pants laughing at me and I joined in once I really thought about my actions. Needless to say whenever I think about chapped lips I go into hysterics.

Ladies I have to advise you to not try this without supervision. Had my girlfriends been there they would have stopped me half way through and I would have been better off for it. Drink plenty of water and use your sunscreen chapstick. I won't but that's just me, I can never remember.

Extreme measures for dating?

How many women would have tried something similar for a date?

See results


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    • karmicfilly profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Franklin, TN

      Mekenzie, I hear this all the time. I'm funny for what I do and not that I intentionally know how to be funny. I find life and my mistakes very funny and can't help but report on them both. I have so many stories that I need to post more of them. I'll have a whole new batch by June as I am attended the giant music festival Bonnaroo then. I went last year and it is like Woodstock only just a little bit more sane, not much. I will post some from last year soon I promise, wait to you hear those.....

    • Mekenzie profile image

      Susan Ream 

      8 years ago from Michigan

      Hilarious Story ... I belly laughed as I pictured your enthusiasm scrubbing your lips til they turned purple. You sound alot like my sister - the same one I wrote the funny dating stories about. That had to hurt so bad as the lips are very sensitive ... You are one funny girl!


    • karmicfilly profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Franklin, TN

      Dagny please don't try this at home without adult supervison, sober too. It is too funny but hurts. I know other women think of these dumb things, they just don't follow through with them like me. Glad I could entertain you with my mistakes, lol

    • dagny roth profile image

      dagny roth 

      8 years ago from Neverland

      Such a funny story! Sound like something I would do ( although now I think I won't) lol

    • karmicfilly profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Franklin, TN

      Beth: Thanks for the referral I will have to try that out as this happens fairly often, lol

      Thanks for the feedback on the blog too.

      Ziyena: I did try to shave my eyebrows one but I think I was 20 at the time, I'm a late bloomer. Thanks for the feedback.

      Billy: It's funny and it's my life. Glad I can recover quickly, lol

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      8 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh my! That is truly funny! Thank God indeed for your breasts. Nice recovery! LOL

    • ziyena profile image


      8 years ago from the United States

      Funny funny stuff!!! I can feel it now ... at least you didn't shave your eyebrows half-off when you were a teenager lol

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Hilarious! I can totally see myself getting into the exact same situation... Thankfully though, I recently found this awesome remedy for chapped lips from Lush:,en_CA,pd.html?... You should try one of these out next time (they have tones of different flavours, this one is just my favourite)!


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