There Is A Balm
When I decided not to dissect our relationship any longer and to focus on the memories of our married life, I find myself right back there, analyzing our marriage. You always said I could never leave well enough alone and that I always had to look for answers, never accepting a simple answer. I would always dig deeper. I've made a list of: why I loved you; times my breath was taken away; recalled our anticipations; and music we danced to. I've given up secrets that you and I shared. I've even exposed the loneliness that aches inside me. Almost twice as many drafts remain unpublished on this site exposing further depths of our relationship. And here I am adding to the list of endless feelings we shared. If I could do anything over, it would be to share with you what you gave me, the healing your love made possible. Now, it comes back to simplicity. Without you I was dispirited, although I thought I had it all under control and that love was the complication rather than the answer. We both needed healing from wounds inflicted from within or by others. Love was our soothing balm. Love is still the balm that soothes my loneliness. These are not whiney afterthoughts but the validation of our victory. Love was the victor.
Your cherished love gave me:
A Song(s) - Our special Watch What Happens and other lyrics you whispered as we danced
A Poem - How you needed me to make you happy
Roses - You plucked the petals of a friendship rose and gave me nothing but love from then on
Hugs and Kisses - Embraces that I never wanted you to relax and kisses that always gave me a promise and need for more
Children - A surprise to both of us, that still today brings amazement, happiness and joy
Patience - your patience with me was endless and I know I tested it many times.
Forgiveness - You would always forget the bad stuff
Respect - You allowed me to be who I was not wanting me to change
Wishes, Dreams, and Visions - I was comfortable stepping into your dream
A Dance (that lasted thirty-nine years) - Steps of following and leading united in a rhythm and tempo. Others would tell us how much they enjoyed watching us dance, especially my mother. The last time we danced was at Kent's wedding and even then others stopped and watched as you led me to the dance floor. You had problems with balance, but on that dance floor you were in control. We weren't Fred Astair and Ginger Rodgers, but everyone could see the pleasure you had in dancing. Your smile was contagious. Your spirit alive. Your love of holding and spinning me obvious. You could always get me to dance with you. I could never resist a dance with you, even if I was mad at you. We would sometimes dance in the kitchen while holding one of the kids in our arms. Even Kamri, loved asking grandma to dance with "me and Papa." Dancing with our arms around each other didn't allow us to head in different directions. I guess that would be our secret to a thirty-nine year marriage. We could bicker but oh how much better we could dance. My best advice, I've learned is not to give advice. I too would go with the odds and discourage betting against them. If asked, my advice would be "Just Dance, you'll find your own answers." Turn the music up and cut a rug.
Confidence and Encouragement - You supported my decision to complete my degree. And, each time I made a dress for Kamri, you would tell me each time "it was the best one yet." Or, each Thanksgiving meal was the best you tasted. You never, never told me if you were disappointed in anything I did.
Acceptance - You loved who I was
Importance - You let me and others know how important your children and I were to you
Devotion and Commitment - There was never another Ruthie
Companionship - We always found pleasure in being together, although your retirement was a real test at first
Adoration - I could always see it in your looks
Trust - It was always there, you never questioned
Tenderness - Always in your touch and words
Passion - Always in your embraces and kisses
Friendship - You allowed time for us to grow towards each other. You did admit you were scared it wouldn't go beyond your wishes to your vision but it was worth waiting for. Others could see only the differences in us and we could only see what we shared. With hearts and eyes open we looked deeply inside each other. We were best friends in our marriage.
Romance - Roses, wine, dinners and always music
But most importantly, You gave me the gift of needing my love.