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SHORT STORY:Twisted Mind
Her hand twisted hard around her glass any harder and she felt as though she could have crushed it into tiny shards. Was she really seeing what she thought she was seeing? Or had her insecure heart quadrupled the impact of a completely innocent exchange?
"Deep breath", she told herself, "don't act hastily like you normally do, that always compounds your drama and makes you look foolish". But still, her eyes kept reading the email exchange over and over and over, perhaps trying to read between the lines for some type of hidden message or innuendo.
Sure there were words that lead her to believe this was more than just an innocent "how are you doing" email, "I miss you", "You always did know how to make things better"..."babe", "Honey"......*sigh* She took another sip of her liquid xanax and stared out the window as a single tear drop rolled down her wrinkled face, the cigarette she was smoking , now burned to the filter, dropped the long trail of ashes on the table before her.
Why must she continually do this to herself ? and to him? She couldn't think about his feelings right now, no, he obviously wasn't thinking about hers when he replied to the email from his one of his past "whores', that's the term she liked to use when their conversations somehow managed to get back to the past. She knew this would inflame him and then perhaps make him want to blurt the truth in his rage to hurt her back, the truth as she thought it to be.
She flicked her ashes and cigarette butt into the old coffee cup on her table and got up and went into the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror, she didn't recognize this old woman in front of her, this miserable, old hag, of course he would want to get away from her, why wouldn't he? She didn't even like this person she had become. She poured herself another glass of wine and sat down in the darkness of their room.
What to do? What to do? , she thought to herself, perhaps she do nothing and see how it all plays out? That way there could be no blame placed on her when he finally walked out the door. She knew if she said anything or simply inquired about the email that would be the result, he had told her so himself.
She didn't want that. But the thought of that whore thinking she had gotten one over on her was just pissing her off on the inside.
Hurt, sadness, anger, betrayal......this is what her life had become.
She didn't want that either, she wanted to live, to laugh, to love without restraints, without fear, without hurt, sadness, anger & betrayal.
She had lost her face, herself and her smile but not her feelings, no, she was well aware of her feelings and she wanted to stifle them, to feel nothing at all would be better than this, she thought.
She returned to the bathroom and grabbed her sleeping pills, shakily poured them out of the bottle onto her hand as several capsules fell around her....don't stop, don't think, just do it coward! She feel to the floor in uncontrollable tears and agony all the while saying aloud.. I just want to be loved, I just want to be loved,I just want to be loved!
She laid there for what seemed to be an enternity, sobbing, thinking battling her own mind.
She heard the phone ring in the other room, "Go away Bastards!' The answering machine picked up: "Hello, you have reached the Smith residence, we are unable to take your call at this time, please leave your message at the tone".
" Sandra, Honey, are you there? Pick up....listen I wanted to let you know that an old friend sent me an email the other day , she was going through a rough time. I replied back to her message and she phoned me today. I let her know that I couldn't help her any longer and I suggested a few places for her to call......I just wanted you to know I love you."