ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Thumper (Short Story No. 16)

Updated on May 27, 2017
Angus MacAskill aka Scottish Sasquatch aka Thumper
Angus MacAskill aka Scottish Sasquatch aka Thumper | Source

Author's note

These short stories will be part of the sequel to my novel The Lady Who Loved Bones. Any suggestions for improvement or for future stories are welcome.

The funeral

Anne Hope, the bearded lady, made funeral arrangements for her former fiancé, Seth Morris, who had been burned alive in the jailhouse fire. A traveling preacher happened to be registered at the same hotel where she had been staying. She struck up a conversation with him, and he agreed to perform the services for Morris.

At the gravesite, the minister preached on Ecclesiastes 7:2 from his King James: “It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to the house of feasting; for that is the end of all men: and the living will lay it to his heart.” The minister glanced sympathetically at Anne and said that the deceased was now with the Lord.

Suddenly Shorty blurted, “Lands sakes! The deceased was a murderer and bank robber. What about the 6th and 8th commandments like ‘Thou shalt not kill’ and ‘Thou shalt not steal’ you dunderhead? That good old boy was mean enough to steal a coin off a dead man’s eyes, and he had a ten dollar Stetson on a five-cent head.”

The minister stared at Shorty with recognition and said, “Hello, Mr. Baxter. How have you been, Leslie?

“At least I’m above snakes, unlike the late Seth Morris who is dead as a door nail,” Shorty snapped. “Hey Helen,” he whispered to the Pinkerton agent, “I know him. That preacher was on the expedition.”

Helen whispered back to invite the preacher to lunch, on her. She remembered all the information she got from Shorty by feeding him profusely, and she hoped to do the same with the Bible thumper.

After the body was lowered into ground and the service ended, Anne asked the minister if she would see Seth again in heaven and have sex with him again. “There is no sex in heaven,” the minister replied and quoted Matthew 22:30: “At the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.”

“I’m going to miss that prodigious pecker of his,” Anne sighed and began to cry.

“Don’t cry, honey,” Shorty said in an attempt to console her. “The preacher should hobble his lip and go boil his shirt. That verse he quoted don’t say nothin’ about sex if you ain’t married. That’s my favorite kind of pirooting. Here’s the only kind of Bible I pay much attention to.” He pulled out a small packet of papers used to roll cigarettes.

# # #

Thumper | Source

The war club

Captain Taz gave his new gang member Angus the giant a motivational talk. He also gave him a large war club he had received from the Cheyenne Dog Soldier, White Bear. Taz had traded a pretty young woman he kidnapped for the club. They went over the printed hit list of individuals that Taz wanted murdered. Number one on the list, Seth Morris, had already been taken care of. “Yup, we fried his ass,” Buster noted with pride. “He won’t be doin’ no testifying against us.”

“Yup,” Taz agreed. “But we can’t cook them all. And the screaming is rather loud. Angus here can use that club. I bet he hits real hard.”

“Let’s make us some nitro, Boss,” Buster suggested. “Just in case we want to cook some more.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Taz concurred. He looked at the hit list and said, “T. H. Kleinschmidt is next on the list. Remember him?” Buster looked confused and Taz explained, “He’s the head cashier at the First National Bank of Helena who helped us rob the bank by leaving the vault door open, among other things.”

“I remember him now,” Buster said.

Taz described him for the benefit of Angus and instructed, “You can find him at the bank or the Red Horse restaurant at lunch or dinner or ask somebody regarding his whereabouts.” Angus nodded affirmation. “Just smack him on the head with that club. Once is all it should take.” Angus nodded again in affirmation and began to swing the club in anticipation.

“Thump him good!” Buster encouraged. “Hey Boss, we should call the big guy Thumper.”

“I like that!” Taz agreed. “Thumper. Has a certain ring to it.” He looked at Angus and ordered, “And Thumper, if you get the chance, thump that lady Pinkerton agent on the head too, although that bank guy is the top priority. I’m worried he might start talking to the Pinkerton agent and that Marshal Howie who had his posse after us.”

“That’s no lady, Boss,” Buster noted with a lopsided grin. “But she has such a pretty mouth,” he added.

“Her pecker is bigger than yours,” Taz gibed.

# # #

Nickel night
Nickel night | Source

Thumper this

Shorty and Helen sat in the Red Horse restaurant drinking coffee and waiting for the preacher. Shorty filled in Helen on what he knew about the man while they waited. He related that the Reverend Issac Nelson was originally from central New York and had been a chaplain for the Union during the war. He came west after the war and preached on a circuit from Fort Benton to Virginia City. Short embellished, “He’s so skinny if he closed one eye, he’d look like a needle. He’s a pretty good shot with a rifle, though. Better than me, although he said he’d rather save the Injuns than shoot ‘em.”

Helen had taken the liberty of ordering lunch for everyone, the special, camel stew. Reverend Nelson finally walked in and joined them as lunch was being served. Shorty dug in and the preacher screamed, “Aren’t you going to say grace, you heathen midget?”

Shorty, embarrassed, spit out his food and quickly prayed, “Dear Lord, please bless his food to our bodies and may it sustain us physically as the Holy Spirit sustains us spiritually. And we pray the Injuns cut out this here preacher man’s tongue. Amen.”

“That was rude, Shorty,” Helen chastised. But then she also chastised Reverend Nelson. “He’s not a midget, you know. He’s not a dwarf. He’s just a very short clown. Incidentally, we lost one of our circus dwarves recently, Sam Short. That’s why Shorty was filling in as a clown.”

“Yup,” Shorty agreed, “Poor little Sammy Short was swallowed whole by a giant snake.”

“No way,” the preacher said in disbelief.

“Who told you that, Shorty?” Helen questioned.

“The other dwarf, Wee Willie Wilson, told me that,” Shorty replied. “He witnessed it. That Taz outlaw fella fed Sammy to his pet python, Roscoe.”

“Oh my God!” the reverend blurted. “We should have a moment of silence.” And they did.

“We need more moments of silence,” Shorty suggested. “Sure beats yer preaching,” he said sarcastically.

Just then T. H. Kleinschmidt, head cashier of the bank entered the restaurant. The reverend, having met the man when he transacted some business at the bank, invited him to join them.

Right behind Kleinschmidt was Angus the giantin costume as the Scottish Sasquatch waving the war club and chanting something apparently in Cheyenne. He smacked Kleinschmidt on the top of the head as soon as he sat down. Blood spurted from the wound and Kleinschmidt crumpled to the floor. Then Angus swung the club at Helen, missing. She pulled the derringer from her garter and shot him in the chest.

“I reckon you’ll be busy working on another funeral sermon,” Shorty offered. “I’ll leave you to yer Bible thumping while I go wet my whistle with some tarantula juice.” He wiped his sweaty brow with his sleeve. “It’s hot as a whorehouse on nickel night in here,” he complained.

“You will be burning in the lake of fire soon!” the preacher screamed as he searched his King James for an appropriate verse.


Click on link for source to go to The Lady Who Loved Bones at


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)