Time wasters and other obscenities, and how to avoid them

If there is one kind of person I loathe and despise, it's time wasters. These people are sometimes referred to as parasites, but if anything that's a compliment. They’re destructive and useless obstacles to getting anything done. They’re a built-in inefficiency, invariably where the last thing you need is inefficiency.

Exactly why anybody believes they have the right to waste somebody else's time is debatable. Perhaps a history of being genetically useless leads them to believe that this behaviour is normal. Given that a certain amount of time wasting is deliberate, it may simply be normal insanity, but that may be a too optimistic appraisal of the situation.

There is a cultural element which may explain time wasting. Things like political science, management science, and sales training often lead to a level of verbosity and irrelevance which would make anyone wonder how or why multicellular life ever arose on Earth. There may actually be some sort of secret cults which take a Vow Of Time Wasting.

Typical signs of time wasters are:

• Verbosity
• Dissembling
• Disinformation using extended logic
• Proven colossal stupidity
• A clear lack of survival instincts
• The social sensitivity of a house brick
• Low levels of psychological hygiene
• Apparent unawareness of extreme levels of anger
• Spiritually comatose
  

Time wasters, although obviously uninsurable, appear to have a level of self-confidence bordering on the obscene. Although at constant risk from practically every human being they encounter, they mix happily in any environment like diseases.

It’s a sad reflection on human culture that time wasting isn't actually illegal. It should be, because it wastes vast amounts of personal time, money and effort which could be better spent doing practically anything else than putting up with time wasters.

In any social environment, time wasters form an ecological niche which equates to built-in inefficiency. Any level of interaction can become an obstacle course, littered with the useless drivel and general incompetence of time wasters. In the workplace, shooting of time wasters, skinning them and nailing their hides to the outside of buildings as a warning to others is unfortunately prohibited. In normal social environments, these measures are also generally illegal, if appreciated when they occur.

Exactly how humanity got lumbered with this collection of subhuman vermin is unclear. Hopefully genetic science will be able to do something about the problem in the near future.

In the meantime, there are a few simple remedies which act as deterrents to time wasters:

Abuse – A simple dose of four or five hours non-stop abuse at high volume usually has some level of impact even on the most enthusiastic time waster.

Use of adhesives – Simply attaching a time waster to at large intercontinental aircraft using industrial adhesives has produced pleasant results.

Entombment – Burial in abandoned shaft mines using liberal amounts of explosives has provided some local relief.

Use of your friendly local volcano – If you happen to be one of the fortunate people living in an area with a broadminded volcano, inserting time wasters into this volcano provides the basis of a great relationship with it.

Gap filling – Insertion of large amounts of domestic materials and wastes into whatever part of the time waster is making a noise often helps and improves the economic efficiency of the situation. Time wasters can then be donated to local landfills.

Architecture and construction – Erecting a building or two on top of the time waster is a creative experience, particularly for high-rise developers and skyscraper addicts, and drastically reduces complaints about environmental vandalism.

Military ordnance testing – If your cruise missiles are feeling lonely, and would like to think they’re making a difference, a simple massive coordinated test of your nation’s entire inventory on local time wasters will get rid of the problem, prove that your military is in touch with social needs, and reassure the public which side the military is on, as well.

Mating time wasters and bores – Biological testing has established that the gene pools of both time wasters and bores can be mutually negated by crossbreeding. It is advisable to create an environmental exclusion zone when conducting this process, but on the other hand, you can charge admission, too.

(Note: Don't expect anything to happen in a hurry.)

Moving either yourself or the time waster to another galaxy – The only real objection to this method is expense, but the aesthetic improvements are generally considered to justify the cost entirely.

Think locally, act globally.