Tips From the Cat: Successfully Annoy the Human(s) in Your Home
Written by: Ramona and Bailey (Amy Marie's Cats)
We cats have it made. We get to sleep all day, eat whenever we want and get to do fun things like jump up to the top of the refrigerator and hide in cabinets. Yes, being a cat has it's perks but there is one important thing us cats should be doing at all times and that's keeping our humans in line.
Our human companions like to believe they are in charge. That's just their silly human egos. They bring us our food, clean out our litterboxes and give in to our whims. Come on now, who's really in charge?
We have purr-fected our skills as cats and would like nothing more than to share with all the other cats in the world our tips on how to keep your human in line. It's not as hard as it looks and chances are you are probably already doing a lot of these things already!
Use these tips at your own risk. Ramona and Bailey are not responsible for lost bedroom privileges, confiscations of possessions or lock-ups.
1. Purr-fecting Your Meow
Before anything else, you must learn how to meow in a way that will make your human go absolutely crazy.
Wait until your human is busy on the computer or relaxing in front of the television. Sit on the floor next to the human and meow. Try all different types of meows. High pitched and whiny are the most irritating to most humans. You'll know right away which meow is the right one. Use that meow when you need something, or when you are just bored.
2. Early Mornings
Don't let that human of yours sleep in! S/he has plenty to do and the more your human sleeps, the less fun you get to have. Not having to work on weekends is no excuse for sleeping in either. Not sure how to wake your human up? It's easy:
- Jump on your human.
- Meow in your humans ear continuously.
- Tap human or lick human's face.
Don't be discouraged if human rolls over and puts a pillow over his or her head. Simply lie down on the pillow that is on your human's head. You can also creep over to the side that your human rolled over to and stick your head under the pillow. Lick face, bite ears and meow.
At this point one of two things can happen:
Your human will give in.
Your human will kick you out of the room.
Hopefully your human gave in. If not, don't despair! There is still hope. Meowing is useless because the door is shut and it won't be nearly as annoying. What you need to do is scratch the door. For some baffling reason, humans hate having their possessions scratched. If you scratch the door, your human will wake up and do whatever has to be done to make you stop.
Now that your human is awake this is the perfect time to go to sleep. Just make sure your food bowl is filled to the rim.
3. Late Night
It makes us cats scratch our heads as to how a human can sleep at night. After all, nighttime is our favorite time of all! It's when we are the most hyper! Jump on the bed, run back and forth and don't forget to meow, meow, meow!!!! Your human may seem annoyed but trust us, they will love you for it.
4. Windows and Doors
All windows and all doors must be opened at all times. When an unopened window or door is stumbled upon, simply stand next to the window. Refer to #1 and use the meow that drives your human batty. Human will give in and open the door or window in approximately five minutes. Once window or door is open simply walk away. This is especially crucial when it is raining, snowing or very cold outside. If human closes the window or door once you've left the area, come back and repeat.
Guests are fasinating. We don't know where they come from and their smells are so foreign and exotic. Make sure to sniff your human's guest as much as possible. If you smell a dog or another cat on the guest, make sure to growl and hiss.
When a guest goes into the bathroom, it's important to follow the guest and watch while s/he uses the toilet. If the guest is too fast for you just sit outside the bathroom door. When the guest opens the door, attack his or her feet and run!
Food bowls must be filled at all times. If food bowl is not filled, whine continuously until human gives in and fills the bowl. It's not neccessary to eat once bowl has been filled.
Best times to demand food:
- When human is sleeping
- When human is watching tv
- When human is on the computer
- When human is in the shower
- When human is entertaining
We love our toys! Humans will spend a fortune on fuzzy mouses, laser lights and other really cool things. The best toys of all are the objects that belong to our humans. If a human gets mad at you for playing with something of theirs, it just means the object is really, really cool and you must have it.
Some awesome toys that you must claim are tub stoppers, bottle caps, newspapers (current ones are best), pens, magazines and shoes! Small items like bottle caps, pens and paper clips should always be shoved under the refrigerator. If you can't get it back don't despair. There is always enough pens, bottle caps and paper clips lying around!
When human brings you a toy to play with don't go for the toy. Go for the box and /or bag it came in. You can always play with your toy when your human is not around.
8. House Chores
When your human is cooking, your presence is required. Jump on the counter and supervise your human. Your human may shout or push you off the counter or even spray you with a water bottle. If your human does any one of these things, just jump down and wait until your human resumes cooking before jumping on the counter again.
Making the bed is super fun. Jump on the sheets while human is trying to fit them on the mattress. Humans may act annoyed but they actually appreciate your help.
Warning: Vacuum cleaners are heinous, loud, robotic beasts. The second you see one, run for cover! The sight of one is awful. The SOUND is unbearable. The worst part is that all the cat hair that's been carefully placed into the carpet will be sucked up by this angry beast. Fortunately some humans hate vacuuming and this won't be much of an alarm for you.
9. Computer Activities
We cats hate computers. Our humans spend way to much time looking at them when they could be playing with us. Don't let your human get away with ignoring you while sitting at their stupid computer. Here is our method of getting our human off the computer. Guaranteed to work!
- Once human turns computer on, walk over and sit on the floor next to your human. Meow your most annoying meow.
- Keep meowing.
- Jump up on humans lap.
- Play with keyboard.
- Sit on keyboard.
- Try to catch the cursor on the screen.
- Knock over your human's coffee.
- If there is a shelf near the computer, climb it and jump on humans back.
- Play with cords until plug comes out.
10. Christmas Season
Here's the thing about Christmas: Humans put a tree in the house. Humans hang shiny dangling things from the tree. Humans put garland on the tree. Humans put lights on the tree. Humans expect us to stay away from the tree. Excuse me, what part of 'we are cats' do humans not understand? Do not ever let your human make you feel bad about climing the tree, pulling garland off the tree, knocking ornaments down or knocking the tree down.
Other neat things about the Christmas Season: Wrapping paper! Boxes! Bags! Ribbons and bows!! Just the thought of rolling around on wrapping paper, scratching it, sitting in boxes and bags, ripping apart presents that arent ours and destroying ribbon makes us super psyched!
Christmastime is by far the best and most fun of all seasons!
And there you have it! Soon your human will see you for the genius that you are and will appreciate you for your cunning, obnoxious and annoying ways. Humans need discipline and practicing these techniques daily will have your human trained in no time!
Always remember you are in control, not your human. Humans will always insist that they are the ones in control and it's purr-fectly fine to let them think that!