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Tips From the Cat: Successfully Annoy the Human(s) in Your Home

Updated on October 2, 2018
Ramona (left),  Bailey (right)
Ramona (left), Bailey (right) | Source

Written by: Ramona and Bailey (Amy Marie's Cats)

We cats have it made. We get to sleep all day, eat whenever we want and get to do fun things like jump up to the top of the refrigerator and hide in cabinets. Yes, being a cat has it's perks but there is one important thing us cats should be doing at all times and that's keeping our humans in line.

Our human companions like to believe they are in charge. That's just their silly human egos. They bring us our food, clean out our litterboxes and give in to our whims. Come on now, who's really in charge?

We have purr-fected our skills as cats and would like nothing more than to share with all the other cats in the world our tips on how to keep your human in line. It's not as hard as it looks and chances are you are probably already doing a lot of these things already!


Disclaimer

Use these tips at your own risk. Ramona and Bailey are not responsible for lost bedroom privileges, confiscations of possessions or lock-ups.

1. Purr-fecting Your Meow

Before anything else, you must learn how to meow in a way that will make your human go absolutely crazy.

Wait until your human is busy on the computer or relaxing in front of the television. Sit on the floor next to the human and meow. Try all different types of meows. High pitched and whiny are the most irritating to most humans. You'll know right away which meow is the right one. Use that meow when you need something, or when you are just bored.

2. Early Mornings

Don't let that human of yours sleep in! S/he has plenty to do and the more your human sleeps, the less fun you get to have. Not having to work on weekends is no excuse for sleeping in either. Not sure how to wake your human up? It's easy:

  1. Jump on your human.
  2. Meow in your humans ear continuously.
  3. Tap human or lick human's face.

Don't be discouraged if human rolls over and puts a pillow over his or her head. Simply lie down on the pillow that is on your human's head. You can also creep over to the side that your human rolled over to and stick your head under the pillow. Lick face, bite ears and meow.

At this point one of two things can happen:

Your human will give in.

Your human will kick you out of the room.

Hopefully your human gave in. If not, don't despair! There is still hope. Meowing is useless because the door is shut and it won't be nearly as annoying. What you need to do is scratch the door. For some baffling reason, humans hate having their possessions scratched. If you scratch the door, your human will wake up and do whatever has to be done to make you stop.

Now that your human is awake this is the perfect time to go to sleep. Just make sure your food bowl is filled to the rim.

3. Late Night

It makes us cats scratch our heads as to how a human can sleep at night. After all, nighttime is our favorite time of all! It's when we are the most hyper! Jump on the bed, run back and forth and don't forget to meow, meow, meow!!!! Your human may seem annoyed but trust us, they will love you for it.

"Open this door!"  -Bailey
"Open this door!" -Bailey

4. Windows and Doors

All windows and all doors must be opened at all times. When an unopened window or door is stumbled upon, simply stand next to the window. Refer to #1 and use the meow that drives your human batty. Human will give in and open the door or window in approximately five minutes. Once window or door is open simply walk away. This is especially crucial when it is raining, snowing or very cold outside. If human closes the window or door once you've left the area, come back and repeat.

5. Guests

Guests are fasinating. We don't know where they come from and their smells are so foreign and exotic. Make sure to sniff your human's guest as much as possible. If you smell a dog or another cat on the guest, make sure to growl and hiss.

When a guest goes into the bathroom, it's important to follow the guest and watch while s/he uses the toilet. If the guest is too fast for you just sit outside the bathroom door. When the guest opens the door, attack his or her feet and run!


6. Food

Food bowls must be filled at all times. If food bowl is not filled, whine continuously until human gives in and fills the bowl. It's not neccessary to eat once bowl has been filled.

Best times to demand food:

  • When human is sleeping
  • When human is watching tv
  • When human is on the computer
  • When human is in the shower
  • When human is entertaining


7. Toys

We love our toys! Humans will spend a fortune on fuzzy mouses, laser lights and other really cool things. The best toys of all are the objects that belong to our humans. If a human gets mad at you for playing with something of theirs, it just means the object is really, really cool and you must have it.

Some awesome toys that you must claim are tub stoppers, bottle caps, newspapers (current ones are best), pens, magazines and shoes! Small items like bottle caps, pens and paper clips should always be shoved under the refrigerator. If you can't get it back don't despair. There is always enough pens, bottle caps and paper clips lying around!

When human brings you a toy to play with don't go for the toy. Go for the box and /or bag it came in. You can always play with your toy when your human is not around.

8. House Chores

When your human is cooking, your presence is required. Jump on the counter and supervise your human. Your human may shout or push you off the counter or even spray you with a water bottle. If your human does any one of these things, just jump down and wait until your human resumes cooking before jumping on the counter again.

Making the bed is super fun. Jump on the sheets while human is trying to fit them on the mattress. Humans may act annoyed but they actually appreciate your help.

Warning: Vacuum cleaners are heinous, loud, robotic beasts. The second you see one, run for cover! The sight of one is awful. The SOUND is unbearable. The worst part is that all the cat hair that's been carefully placed into the carpet will be sucked up by this angry beast. Fortunately some humans hate vacuuming and this won't be much of an alarm for you.

9. Computer Activities

We cats hate computers. Our humans spend way to much time looking at them when they could be playing with us. Don't let your human get away with ignoring you while sitting at their stupid computer. Here is our method of getting our human off the computer. Guaranteed to work!

  1. Once human turns computer on, walk over and sit on the floor next to your human. Meow your most annoying meow.
  2. Keep meowing.
  3. Jump up on humans lap.
  4. Play with keyboard.
  5. Sit on keyboard.
  6. Try to catch the cursor on the screen.
  7. Knock over your human's coffee.
  8. If there is a shelf near the computer, climb it and jump on humans back.
  9. Play with cords until plug comes out.

"My tree!' -Ramona
"My tree!' -Ramona

10. Christmas Season

Here's the thing about Christmas: Humans put a tree in the house. Humans hang shiny dangling things from the tree. Humans put garland on the tree. Humans put lights on the tree. Humans expect us to stay away from the tree. Excuse me, what part of 'we are cats' do humans not understand? Do not ever let your human make you feel bad about climing the tree, pulling garland off the tree, knocking ornaments down or knocking the tree down.

Other neat things about the Christmas Season: Wrapping paper! Boxes! Bags! Ribbons and bows!! Just the thought of rolling around on wrapping paper, scratching it, sitting in boxes and bags, ripping apart presents that arent ours and destroying ribbon makes us super psyched!

Christmastime is by far the best and most fun of all seasons!

"I'm the boss!"  -Ramona
"I'm the boss!" -Ramona

Conclusion

And there you have it! Soon your human will see you for the genius that you are and will appreciate you for your cunning, obnoxious and annoying ways. Humans need discipline and practicing these techniques daily will have your human trained in no time!

Always remember you are in control, not your human. Humans will always insist that they are the ones in control and it's purr-fectly fine to let them think that!


Comments

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    • amymarie_5 profile imageAUTHOR

      Amy DeMarco 

      6 years ago from Chicago

      Thanks Riviera Rose. :) They can be a pain but I love them anyway!

    • Riviera Rose profile image

      Riviera Rose 

      6 years ago from South of France

      Gorgeous hub, and gorgeous cats too. I'm cat-less at the moment :( so it's a pleasure to enjoy cats vicariously, thanks!

    • amymarie_5 profile imageAUTHOR

      Amy DeMarco 

      6 years ago from Chicago

      Thanks!! It was a lot of fun to write too! ;)

    • Maren Morgan M-T profile image

      Maren Elizabeth Morgan 

      6 years ago from Pennsylvania

      This hub is lots of fun.

    • LoriSoard profile image

      LoriSoard 

      7 years ago from Henryville, Indiana

      What a cute perspective. I love my cat. She is such a character.

    • Peanutritious profile image

      Tara Carbery 

      7 years ago from Cheshire, UK

      This is so true! My Cats love it when I change the bed and get inside the duvet cover and stick their little paws out. It's become a weekly ritual! They love christmas too and dive bomb into the wrapping paper! A lovely heartwarming hub. Thanks.

    • amymarie_5 profile imageAUTHOR

      Amy DeMarco 

      7 years ago from Chicago

      Just ask Susan,

      Sorry to hear about Rambo. What a great name for a little cat!! Glad you enjoyed this hub. :)

      Hi Pricesswithapen

      Thanks for commenting and sharing! Means a lot. Happy to know I made you laugh and yes, good that cats don't read!!

      Thank you for commenting Poetvix! Happy to know I've made you smile!

    • poetvix profile image

      poetvix 

      7 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

      I agree with Princesswithapen. This is uber cute! Thanks for the smiles and laughs.

    • princesswithapen profile image

      princesswithapen 

      7 years ago

      Haha! Uber cute and hilarious hub. Any cat lover will relate to this 100%. I'm sharing it and I'm glad cats can't read!

      Princesswithapen

    • Brett.Tesol profile image

      Brett C 

      7 years ago from Asia

      The this made me laugh. Your description of cats and their behaviour is bang on! The part about the computer maybe not the most, as I have a large dog with its very upset every time the computer is turned on, in their mind it is just something takes attention away from them lol.

    • amymarie_5 profile imageAUTHOR

      Amy DeMarco 

      7 years ago from Chicago

      Haha! I agree with you Sweetie Pie! I love my cats and they are spoiled rotten! I'd have it no other way!

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 

      7 years ago from Southern California, USA

      I love a world where cats rule, and humans obey. I have owned many cats who love computers, and who jump on the bed when I am trying to make it. I love dogs to, but they will never delight in the same ways as cats.

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 

      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      This was so much fun to read. Thanks for sharing this, I really enjoyed it. Before we had our 2 dogs we had a cat named Rambo. One would think with that name that he would be a huge cat. He weighed in at 11 pounds at the best of times. We really miss him.

    • amymarie_5 profile imageAUTHOR

      Amy DeMarco 

      7 years ago from Chicago

      Hi Case1worker,

      LOL, that is too funny! Silly cat! Thanks for the chuckle!

    • CASE1WORKER profile image

      CASE1WORKER 

      7 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

      Brilliant Hub- all i can say is thank goodness my two cant read........... There is the other one- raid the bin as left overs taste better from it...........and then sick up just as dad is walking by........... that was real fun yesterday!! (He only had his socks on his feet)

    • amymarie_5 profile imageAUTHOR

      Amy DeMarco 

      7 years ago from Chicago

      Thanks for all the positive comments everyone! Glad I could make you smile. Only cat people truly can understand!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 

      7 years ago from Wales

      Brilliant I loved this one and here's an up up and away!!

      Take care

      Eddy.

    • YogaKat profile image

      YogaKat 

      7 years ago from Oahu Hawaii

      I am a cat lady, feeding a pack of six to eight ferals on my lanai. The one and only kitty who comes inside makes sure I don't slack with sharp but non skin breaking nips to my calves.

    • profile image

      St.Cyprian 

      7 years ago

      This is very funny!

      My cat and I are nearly constant companions. He *almost* speaks English because I talk to him all the time like he's a person. Most of his meows and his low cat talk carry discernible meaning.

      I never did the spray bottle with him. My cat loves water. As soon as you fill the bath tub, he's in it!

      Voted up! Accolades!

    • kat11 profile image

      kat11 

      7 years ago from Illinois

      I really enjoyed your hub. I have a cat that she thinks she's my alarm because whether it is still dark or light outside at 6:30 a.m. if her food bowl is empty she takes her paws and taps my eyelids or face to get me up. I have even tried covering my head with a sheet and she will grab it with her teeth so she can get to my face.

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