To Know Me
To understand who I am
You would have to know
My parents were upper class headshop owners
Ever heard of Strawberry Fields in Dallas, TX
They owned it
And blew it way on blow
They partied with Hugh and Hunter S. Thompson
They drove fancy cars
Wore ostrich skin boots and ruby necklaces
They snorted on the cleanest mirrors
And shot with the sharpest needles
They divorced when my sister was three
I was eight and angry
Dad moved out and junkies moved in
And my mom moved on
On into a self destructive cycle
And I watched and repressed the transition
And to my daddy's
To watch daddy drink
Daddy's drunk
My father drinks to the struggles of single parenthood and food stamps
Struggles with his own disappointments
Constantly trying to tame the snakes in his head
Mom has a boyfriend now
He is the Antichrist
He swallows her and spits her out with HIV and Hepatitis C
I sit by the phone and wait for her to to call for my 13th birthday
Today is tomorrow and I wait and I wait
Eventually I no longer wait
The day is no longer special anymore
And then she call months later to tell me she's pregnant
To selfishly satisfy her loneliness
To abandon another life
I say goodbye once again
And head to a small Southern Baptist East Texas town with my father and sister
To visit grandma for 7 years
I waited for my mother to want to know who I was becoming
But she was to busy ruining herself
While daddy was busy growing up himself
And grandmother was busy being a mother all over again
And over again... and again
I spent the next few years searching for an identity
Never satisfied with who I was
Could always be better
Struggled to care
To smile
Misery comforted me
No emotion or tears
Obsessed with insanity
With rebelling
With knowing
Disrespectful and ungrateful
Unpredictable and impulsive
One nights stands and keg parties
Acute care and I don't care
About school
About myself
My mental portrait is tainted
My first hit of acid
One hit of acid and it was time to know
Who I was
It was time to go
Go to to Dallas to know my mom
To live in a happy family
Just a fantasy
Popped her pills and prostitution
And never woke to realize she was raising a family
She was lost in a smoke filled imaginary office in Strawberry Fields
She never left the office
She never left her head
In her head shop she slept
And I left
To Mississippi
Where I started to challenge the young adult in me
The sickness in me
Trying to heal
What I couldn't even figure out
I know many souls
Lost
Who don't know themselves
I watched people stop watching themselves
Stop watching time
Bending broken window blinds
Blinded by love at age 19
Giving birth at age 20
A new life
A new me
A new relationship with mommy
Now referred to as Nana
Looking more like a grandma
But my best friend
Accepted for her beautiful soul
And her kindred spirit
Tortured by guilt and shame of sleeping in her imaginary head shop
Everyday of every necessary moment of my life
Life awakens death
And death woke me from a dream
A dream of peace and sobriety forgotten by my mother
Until the day she tasted her last breath
And it was a bitter taste of drug abuse and overdose
To cry is for another time
To cry at my grandfather's funeral on the day of my daughter's third birthday party
A day after I fought with my husband
A fight that ended with bruises and tears
A marriage he celebrated everyday with...
Just one beer
that always led to another and another and another
And another time and place
To place myslf at my grandmother's funeral
Laid to rest next to her daughter
Died of a heart attack aka broken heart
Broken by the death of her daughter
I became bitter
A taste not so sweet
Written 2004
