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To Know Me

Updated on April 2, 2013
My mother, me (age 2), and Susan (mother's best friend of 30 years)
My mother, me (age 2), and Susan (mother's best friend of 30 years)
My mother and her best friend twenty years later
My mother and her best friend twenty years later

To understand who I am

You would have to know

My parents were upper class headshop owners

Ever heard of Strawberry Fields in Dallas, TX

They owned it

And blew it way on blow

They partied with Hugh and Hunter S. Thompson

They drove fancy cars

Wore ostrich skin boots and ruby necklaces

They snorted on the cleanest mirrors

And shot with the sharpest needles

They divorced when my sister was three

I was eight and angry

Dad moved out and junkies moved in

And my mom moved on

On into a self destructive cycle

And I watched and repressed the transition

And to my daddy's

To watch daddy drink

Daddy's drunk

My father drinks to the struggles of single parenthood and food stamps

Struggles with his own disappointments

Constantly trying to tame the snakes in his head

Mom has a boyfriend now

He is the Antichrist

He swallows her and spits her out with HIV and Hepatitis C

I sit by the phone and wait for her to to call for my 13th birthday

Today is tomorrow and I wait and I wait

Eventually I no longer wait

The day is no longer special anymore

And then she call months later to tell me she's pregnant

To selfishly satisfy her loneliness

To abandon another life

I say goodbye once again

And head to a small Southern Baptist East Texas town with my father and sister

To visit grandma for 7 years

I waited for my mother to want to know who I was becoming

But she was to busy ruining herself

While daddy was busy growing up himself

And grandmother was busy being a mother all over again

And over again... and again

I spent the next few years searching for an identity

Never satisfied with who I was

Could always be better

Struggled to care

To smile

Misery comforted me

No emotion or tears

Obsessed with insanity

With rebelling

With knowing

Disrespectful and ungrateful

Unpredictable and impulsive

One nights stands and keg parties

Acute care and I don't care

About school

About myself

My mental portrait is tainted

My first hit of acid

One hit of acid and it was time to know

Who I was

It was time to go

Go to to Dallas to know my mom

To live in a happy family

Just a fantasy

Popped her pills and prostitution

And never woke to realize she was raising a family

She was lost in a smoke filled imaginary office in Strawberry Fields

She never left the office

She never left her head

In her head shop she slept

And I left

To Mississippi

Where I started to challenge the young adult in me

The sickness in me

Trying to heal

What I couldn't even figure out

I know many souls


Who don't know themselves

I watched people stop watching themselves

Stop watching time

Bending broken window blinds

Blinded by love at age 19

Giving birth at age 20

A new life

A new me

A new relationship with mommy

Now referred to as Nana

Looking more like a grandma

But my best friend

Accepted for her beautiful soul

And her kindred spirit

Tortured by guilt and shame of sleeping in her imaginary head shop

Everyday of every necessary moment of my life

Life awakens death

And death woke me from a dream

A dream of peace and sobriety forgotten by my mother

Until the day she tasted her last breath

And it was a bitter taste of drug abuse and overdose

To cry is for another time

To cry at my grandfather's funeral on the day of my daughter's third birthday party

A day after I fought with my husband

A fight that ended with bruises and tears

A marriage he celebrated everyday with...

Just one beer

that always led to another and another and another

And another time and place

To place myslf at my grandmother's funeral

Laid to rest next to her daughter

Died of a heart attack aka broken heart

Broken by the death of her daughter

I became bitter

A taste not so sweet

Written 2004


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    • figment profile image

      Karli Duran 7 years ago from Texas

      Thank you.

    • blaise25 profile image

      Fehl Dungo 7 years ago from close to you...

      That was so tormenting. Extremely well written. You've got a new fan :)

    • Eric Prado profile image

      Eric Prado 8 years ago from Webster, Texas

      Absolutely astounding. Very compelling. I can, to some points relate to how you must have felt in parts of your life growing up. This hub is very heart felt and I have to say, very well done. You really made me capture your emotions and feeling that was put into this. I feel you, sister. =)

    • H.C Porter profile image

      Holly 8 years ago from Lone Star State

      I give you much respect for sharing this with everyone- it shows the strength which you hold within. Great emotion and very powerful words-Fantastic Hub.

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 8 years ago

      It's a hard story told so very well. Thank you Figment.

    • theirishobserver. profile image

      theirishobserver. 8 years ago from Ireland

      What a magnificant poem - what a story - well done - who knows why it all happens - but it does - great to see you writing and sharing your life with others - well done...

    • profile image

      sophs 8 years ago

      Ohhh this is so moving, it brought tears to my eyes. Very well written, great work! Keep shining Figment! :)

    • Mikel G Roberts profile image

      Mikel G Roberts 8 years ago from The Heartland

      This was very well done. I'm sorry for your tragedy, but I'm glad you survived it.

      Keep writing...


    • Lynda Gary profile image

      Lynda Gary 8 years ago

      I hope you'll visit my profile. I'd like to know you.

    • lctodd1947 profile image

      lctodd1947 8 years ago from USA

      I can see the pain and I am so sorry. You see yourself as you have said so you have changed your fate. That is what is important; only we can save ourselves.

      Thank you for sharing

    • defenestratethis profile image

      defenestratethis 8 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii poignant, beautiful and sad. Broken hearts and burnt bridges. So common in the wake of an addicts life..yes? You just got another fan.

    • Faybe Bay profile image

      Faye Constantino 8 years ago from Florida

      I wish I was your mother, I wish you could meet my daughter. I wish I could take all of that and make it be exactly the opposite of what it was. I wish Figment I wish so hard. I wrote a poem Called if wishes were horses. I guess I better post it one of these days. Wishes aren't horses. I can't go back in time and make it right. I wish I'd been there for you.

    • cupid51 profile image

      cupid51 8 years ago from INDIA

      I simply can't express my feelings in words! It seems that each and every word of the poem is engraved on your heart with your own nail.Thanks for sharing.

    • nadp profile image

      nadp 8 years ago from WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA

      This brought tears. I can hardly imagine what it must have been like (still is?) to have had a life like that. You have a lot to overcome - but it sounds like you are working very,very hard at it. You should be so proud of yourself for each day of normalcy that you give to your little girl.

    • Rafini profile image

      Rafini 8 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

      I rarely cry when I read, but this is a special moment like no other. Keep writing, we will keep reading.

    • profile image

      Justine76 8 years ago

      Keep writing. Im sorry, I don't have better advice, but its helping me. I saw you on the lonley forum, and wanted you to know, you may feel lonely, but your not alone.

    • BEAUTYBABE profile image


      This poem tells so succinctly just how much you suffered as a little girl growing up.I hope you find some peace of mind in your writing, it can be very therapeutic.

      I found when I started writing my poems, it was very therapeutic, because I wrote down my inner thoughts from my heart and it allowed me to deal with things that had been bugging me for years.

      Try it Figment, it really works as anyone on HP's will attest to Beautybabe.

    • figment profile image

      Karli Duran 8 years ago from Texas

      Thank you so very much!

    • resspenser profile image

      Ronnie Sowell 8 years ago from South Carolina

      I have seen poems on hubpages before but yours is the first I have ever actually read. That is some tough life you have lived. Hope things are better for you and especially for your daughter. Great hub!

    • Rascal Russ Miles profile image

      Rascal Russ Miles 8 years ago from Show Low, AZ USA

      WOW !!! I am blown away... Such feeling and depth... I am you latest Fan...

    • profile image

      pinkylee 8 years ago

      im speechless as words cant describe my thoughts of this poem... amazing, touching, beautiful all come to mind but it is so much more than that

    • Mekenzie profile image

      Susan Ream 8 years ago from Michigan

      figment, oh the pain written on this hub .. so incredibly unjust and undeserved. A child so neglected is unthinkable in my world... My mother's heart wants to hug you to myself and tell you ... honey, you are of greater value than all the riches of the world... there is only one you and you matter. You are a gifted writer .. I notice the hub was written in 2004 ... this is the first hub I've read by you ... I'll be reading more... Big Virtual Hug from me to you. :)

    • hypnodude profile image

      Andrea 8 years ago from Italy

      It happens really rarely that I have no words to say, but I like this hub, and thanks for sharing such personal informations. Rated up and stumbled.

    • profile image

      Milee 8 years ago from Indianapolis, Indiana


    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 8 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Wow, figment-what a way to tell part of your story. As you know from the forums, I've also experienced such parental betrayal and abuse, and I truly feel for others who've gone through the same.

      Thanks for sharing this.

    • Mentalist acer profile image

      Mentalist acer 8 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

      I'ts time to become selfish and start thinking of and for yourself.