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Tonight, My Life

Updated on December 15, 2012

Tonight, my life for the most part is okay. I like that word okay. It's neither beautiful or perfect, not extravagant in the least....a mere swizzle stick in a drink. It has great color, has a purpose but you don't really need it. It is what it is, merely a pleasant sustaining sphere in a globe that spins without me feeling it. It is a turn of a wrist, a tilt of the head, a sideways glare at a Christmas party, a "hello" to a stranger or a phone call late at night that comes and goes and is soon forgotten, like so many whispers before it.

Life is okay. I will stay tonight. I will see how it is tomorrow because I have no guarantees, because I make no promises, because I owe nothing to no one, because this life, however okay it is, belongs to me. And I will make the decision into how it is played, how it is devoured, consumed, wasted or thrown about like rag dolls with flailing arms and legs. I will say if it stops or if it goes and who I choose to share any part of that life with. And if by chance I choose to go to you, to bring you in, to scoop you up without warning or feminine etiquette, then take the advance, like a whore who slaps your ass and throws you a wink and a shimmy, allow me to use you, allow me to put you into places you didn't think you belonged, to share my dreams and view my world from within its caves and walls of swollen candies, from its dreary palms and sleepy eyed masks that contort the existence I call my life. It is my delusion.

Maybe I have distorted myself to believe things, maybe I imagined all of this, felt all these spasms of heart strings and violins that played from a distance, maybe I chose to see those angels or demons wrapped around a pole as I drove at 80mph. I only heard their wings and never noticed their teeth. Maybe I never saw or felt anything at all. Maybe I saw green where there was only hazel....a mud watery pool of emptiness where I chose to see a kaleidoscope. Maybe I felt a heart beat where there was only skin or bone, a warmth that turned out to be my own heat for that precious moment that didn't last.

I don't know. But I do know one thing; I know how to love you like nobody else can. I know how to be loyal and true. And make no mistake, I will own you, every inch of you whether you want me to have you or not, you will dream of me, you will think of me, even when you don't want to. That my friend, is truth. It is pungent and very real. It is potent and fertile. I will shake your soul and you will be scared but that's only if you aren't strong enough. And you need to be stronger to be with me. You are my alpha and I wasn't looking, nor was I ready and neither were you.

Tonight, I will stay in this realm of a thing they call life. I will write, dream, cry, laugh, do whatever these mortals do and continue another day, watching another moon slip past the quiet of my sleep and drown inside whatever is left of me.

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