Top 10 Things to Do When You Lose Internet Service (Humor)
What would man do without it?
Grab a cup of coffee, boot up the computer, light up a cigarette (if you're a smoker, if not, try to restrain from preaching about the woes of smoking for a change), and relax as you hit the Internet Explorer, Firefox, Google Chrome, or whatever browser you use.
99% of the time, you have the enjoyment of checking the news, weather, gossip, sports, or adult web sites (you proclaim you never visit). But, what about those times you don't?
NO! NO! NO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE INTERNET SERVICE!!!!!!!
Panic rushes through your body and the shakes begin! You're like an addict without a fix, a coffee drinker without a Starbucks, a reality TV junkie without Honey Eew Eew, a smoker without a cigarette! (See, if you were patient and didn't mouth off above about cigarettes, you've now been placated.)
You call your service provider and spend two hours going through all the restart, reboot, reset, retard, redo, remake, readjust, require, and replies that the $10 an hour customer service idiot puts you through. Then, and only then, do you find out that their service department has reported a broadband outage in your area! (At least, if you are using Windstream as your provider. Believe me, I just went through it 18 hours ago, and still no service!)
So, now you're at their mercy. It's a Saturday afternoon, and a whole weekend of catching up on emails, hub readings, and commenting are going down the drain. Your nerves are shot as you contemplate the reactions of others to you ignoring their recent writings.
"You're no longer one of us! You are only a self serving pusher of your own hubs! You will be banned forever from our community for your unexcused absence! This is going on your permanent record!"
The sweat flows in waves from your forehead. Every minute that passes without the service becomes an eternity. Every hour becomes unbearable!
You scream at your spouse! You use your cell phone to try to comment, but quickly find yourself into a crazed state as the tiny little keyboard and slow download times push your patience to the limits! Even the cats are hiding underneath the beds to avoid your anger!
So, what do you do?
1. Go Service Tech Hunting
Loading up the rifle rack in the back window of the pick-up truck can provide you with exercise. We all know that exercise helps to calm frustration, so make sure you only pick out the largest rifles and shotguns you own to maximize this benefit! Then, drive around the block looking for the service truck on the side of the road.
Increase your search area a block at a time until you finally find the tech sleeping in the back of the van. Bang loudly with the stock of a huge shotgun on the van until you awaken him. Ask if he knows who the idiot is that's supposed to be working on the broadband service because you're ready to fill his tail with buckshot! Of course, he will deny he is the one, but you may have provided him with the motivation to get his act together and get busy!
2. Search Out Other Providers
We all know that Sprint's 3G service means "Count to three before throwing your phone out the window", but it is a way to waste an hour or two searching for alternatives to your current provider.
I found several options available that I would never have searched for if Windstream had not given me the opportunity to do so. Direct TV, Insight, and a couple of others have some bundling plans that look fairly attractive. Since this is being written on a Sunday, and most of their business offices are currently closed, Monday's activities are already planned out! You may find comfort in knowing what you have to do in the future, and recognize the peaceful feeling it provides.
3. Spread The Word On Facebook
Even though you're dealing with a phone keyboard not made for the fingers of most grown adults, demonstrating your talents by making your situation well known on Facebook may bring you some satisfaction. Not only does it help your internal self pity needs, but it assists you in knowing you're actually helping people in today's world by letting them in on how bad your Internet service actually is, and to change theirs if they use the same. And, it doesn't cost you a penny if you're on an unlimited usage plan!
4. Perfect Your Spider Solitaire Skills
Did you know that if you play 487 games of Spider Solitaire, you're bound to win at least three? Try it and see! Just remember, "No Cheating!"
5. Ask Yourself Meaningless Questions
Your spouse will take solace in seeing you sit in the recliner in a daze as you delve into the world of the unknown.
"Why does the sun rise and set, but the moon only rises?", "When is "too much" too much?", and "Is there actually someone working to fix the Internet service or are they just running the outage recording to placate outraged customers?" are just a few examples one can use to waste time.
For those of you requiring something with more substance, ask yourself, "If Mark Twain and Edgar Allen Poe participated in wife swapping, would Stephen King or Charles Schultz have been the result?"
6. Cook Something
Take your Dollar Store salami, add both a slice of Swiss and American cheese, one slice of tomato, and barbecue sauce to two slices of wheat bread and make a new style of grilled cheese sandwich.
Or, mix the leftover spaghetti sauce with the leftover roast and potatoes, bone last week's KFC thighs you never ate, cut up an apple, mash a banana, mix it all together and cook over low heat for 30 minutes. Surprise your family at dinner! You'll never have to prepare a meal again!
7. Pull Out The Old Playstation 2
Remember how this was so much fun at one time? Well, just try hooking one up to your new flat screen TV for hours of fun! Yes, the hook-ups have changed! Just imagine the thrills you'll have going to the local Radio Shack and discussing all the differences with the college kid tech head running the place! Just beware, some of these kids weren't even old enough to write cursive when you purchased your unit, so you may have to make several trips back to return the wires and adapters that won't work!
8. Remove Wax From Candle Holders
If you've saved all the glass containers that once held Dollar Store candles, what a great time you can have cleaning out the old wax and searching for replacement candles!
Take one large roasting pan, fill with half an inch of water, stretch it across two burners on the stove, and bring to a boil. Then, carefully set the glass containers in the pan, open end up. After twenty minutes, you can return to find all the waxy remains floating along the bottom of the glass containers. No! Don't pick them up with your fingers, Dummy! See, you'll burn your fingers just like you just did! No! Don't pour the wax down the sink drain! See, you'll stop it up when the wax hardens in the bends of the pipes! Now you can call the plumber and complain to him about your Internet service when he's clearing your drains!
9. Catch Up On Personal Hygiene
As most Internet junkies go, that shower is always after you wake up with a cup of coffee after catching up online. Sometimes, the online experience continues until it’s time to go back to bed for the evening, and the shower gets bypassed. Make your neighborhood a nice place to visit and clear the stench by taking that much needed shower. Take your time and enjoy the soap. Your spouse might even move back into the house when you do!
Also, what a wonderful time to pick the lint out of your belly button. Normal people have submerged belly buttons, even though adult film stars and Rihanna wannabees put a piece of cheap costume jewelry in them. It’s time to dig and scrape within, removing all the unwanted build-up. No! Don't smell it! You’ll lose weight, give yourself more room for a bigger piece of imitation jewelry, and feel refreshed! If your belly button has emerged instead of submerged, you can skip this step, or just sit and wonder why the delivery room doctor ever let your father tie the cord to begin with!
10. Visit the Neighborhood
Have your spouse push you around the block in your computer chair. It’s a great way to enjoy the fresh air, meet people, and give your spouse some much needed exercise!
Remember, you must take care of the ones you love!
When Service Returns
Nineteen hours later, when your service is finally restored, you can sit back and write a hub on what to do without Internet service. Your spouse will be happy to see you busy again, your online friends will be happy to see you back, and you’ll be preparing the masses for the one day inevitable occurrence that awaits them!
Just make sure it’s original!
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