Top 10 Things to Do When You Lose Internet Service (Humor)
Technology ...
What would man do without it?
Grab a cup of coffee, boot up the computer, light up a cigarette (if you're a smoker, if not, try to restrain from preaching about the woes of smoking for a change), and relax as you hit the Internet Explorer, Firefox, Google Chrome, or whatever browser you use.
99% of the time, you have the enjoyment of checking the news, weather, gossip, sports, or adult web sites (you proclaim you never visit). But, what about those times you don't?
AAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!
NO! NO! NO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE INTERNET SERVICE!!!!!!!
Panic rushes through your body and the shakes begin! You're like an addict without a fix, a coffee drinker without a Starbucks, a reality TV junkie without Honey Eew Eew, a smoker without a cigarette! (See, if you were patient and didn't mouth off above about cigarettes, you've now been placated.)
You call your service provider and spend two hours going through all the restart, reboot, reset, retard, redo, remake, readjust, require, and replies that the $10 an hour customer service idiot puts you through. Then, and only then, do you find out that their service department has reported a broadband outage in your area! (At least, if you are using Windstream as your provider. Believe me, I just went through it 18 hours ago, and still no service!)
So, now you're at their mercy. It's a Saturday afternoon, and a whole weekend of catching up on emails, hub readings, and commenting are going down the drain. Your nerves are shot as you contemplate the reactions of others to you ignoring their recent writings.
"You're no longer one of us! You are only a self serving pusher of your own hubs! You will be banned forever from our community for your unexcused absence! This is going on your permanent record!"
The sweat flows in waves from your forehead. Every minute that passes without the service becomes an eternity. Every hour becomes unbearable!
You scream at your spouse! You use your cell phone to try to comment, but quickly find yourself into a crazed state as the tiny little keyboard and slow download times push your patience to the limits! Even the cats are hiding underneath the beds to avoid your anger!
So, what do you do?
1. Go Service Tech Hunting
Loading up the rifle rack in the back window of the pick-up truck can provide you with exercise. We all know that exercise helps to calm frustration, so make sure you only pick out the largest rifles and shotguns you own to maximize this benefit! Then, drive around the block looking for the service truck on the side of the road.
Increase your search area a block at a time until you finally find the tech sleeping in the back of the van. Bang loudly with the stock of a huge shotgun on the van until you awaken him. Ask if he knows who the idiot is that's supposed to be working on the broadband service because you're ready to fill his tail with buckshot! Of course, he will deny he is the one, but you may have provided him with the motivation to get his act together and get busy!
2. Search Out Other Providers
We all know that Sprint's 3G service means "Count to three before throwing your phone out the window", but it is a way to waste an hour or two searching for alternatives to your current provider.
I found several options available that I would never have searched for if Windstream had not given me the opportunity to do so. Direct TV, Insight, and a couple of others have some bundling plans that look fairly attractive. Since this is being written on a Sunday, and most of their business offices are currently closed, Monday's activities are already planned out! You may find comfort in knowing what you have to do in the future, and recognize the peaceful feeling it provides.
3. Spread The Word On Facebook
Even though you're dealing with a phone keyboard not made for the fingers of most grown adults, demonstrating your talents by making your situation well known on Facebook may bring you some satisfaction. Not only does it help your internal self pity needs, but it assists you in knowing you're actually helping people in today's world by letting them in on how bad your Internet service actually is, and to change theirs if they use the same. And, it doesn't cost you a penny if you're on an unlimited usage plan!
4. Perfect Your Spider Solitaire Skills
Did you know that if you play 487 games of Spider Solitaire, you're bound to win at least three? Try it and see! Just remember, "No Cheating!"
5. Ask Yourself Meaningless Questions
Your spouse will take solace in seeing you sit in the recliner in a daze as you delve into the world of the unknown.
"Why does the sun rise and set, but the moon only rises?", "When is "too much" too much?", and "Is there actually someone working to fix the Internet service or are they just running the outage recording to placate outraged customers?" are just a few examples one can use to waste time.
For those of you requiring something with more substance, ask yourself, "If Mark Twain and Edgar Allen Poe participated in wife swapping, would Stephen King or Charles Schultz have been the result?"
6. Cook Something
Take your Dollar Store salami, add both a slice of Swiss and American cheese, one slice of tomato, and barbecue sauce to two slices of wheat bread and make a new style of grilled cheese sandwich.
Or, mix the leftover spaghetti sauce with the leftover roast and potatoes, bone last week's KFC thighs you never ate, cut up an apple, mash a banana, mix it all together and cook over low heat for 30 minutes. Surprise your family at dinner! You'll never have to prepare a meal again!
7. Pull Out The Old Playstation 2
Remember how this was so much fun at one time? Well, just try hooking one up to your new flat screen TV for hours of fun! Yes, the hook-ups have changed! Just imagine the thrills you'll have going to the local Radio Shack and discussing all the differences with the college kid tech head running the place! Just beware, some of these kids weren't even old enough to write cursive when you purchased your unit, so you may have to make several trips back to return the wires and adapters that won't work!
8. Remove Wax From Candle Holders
If you've saved all the glass containers that once held Dollar Store candles, what a great time you can have cleaning out the old wax and searching for replacement candles!
Take one large roasting pan, fill with half an inch of water, stretch it across two burners on the stove, and bring to a boil. Then, carefully set the glass containers in the pan, open end up. After twenty minutes, you can return to find all the waxy remains floating along the bottom of the glass containers. No! Don't pick them up with your fingers, Dummy! See, you'll burn your fingers just like you just did! No! Don't pour the wax down the sink drain! See, you'll stop it up when the wax hardens in the bends of the pipes! Now you can call the plumber and complain to him about your Internet service when he's clearing your drains!
9. Catch Up On Personal Hygiene
As most Internet junkies go, that shower is always after you wake up with a cup of coffee after catching up online. Sometimes, the online experience continues until it’s time to go back to bed for the evening, and the shower gets bypassed. Make your neighborhood a nice place to visit and clear the stench by taking that much needed shower. Take your time and enjoy the soap. Your spouse might even move back into the house when you do!
Also, what a wonderful time to pick the lint out of your belly button. Normal people have submerged belly buttons, even though adult film stars and Rihanna wannabees put a piece of cheap costume jewelry in them. It’s time to dig and scrape within, removing all the unwanted build-up. No! Don't smell it! You’ll lose weight, give yourself more room for a bigger piece of imitation jewelry, and feel refreshed! If your belly button has emerged instead of submerged, you can skip this step, or just sit and wonder why the delivery room doctor ever let your father tie the cord to begin with!
10. Visit the Neighborhood
Have your spouse push you around the block in your computer chair. It’s a great way to enjoy the fresh air, meet people, and give your spouse some much needed exercise!
Remember, you must take care of the ones you love!
When Service Returns
Nineteen hours later, when your service is finally restored, you can sit back and write a hub on what to do without Internet service. Your spouse will be happy to see you busy again, your online friends will be happy to see you back, and you’ll be preparing the masses for the one day inevitable occurrence that awaits them!
Just make sure it’s original!
©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved
The Limousines - Internet Killed The Video Star (Official Music Video)
Comments
Funny! When my internet goes out, it's usually because my power went out. So, I have bigger problems to deal with.
I really enjoyed reading your hub. You put them all together perfectly well. I guess you should also be happy that the service was out which made you come up with these ideas. Thumbs up for this hub!
Great read to start off my Sunday morning! I am thinking about belly lint, exercising my computer chair and cleaning my pipes...lol! Miss you! Here is a virtual cup of coffee to start your morning :0 Talk to you soon :)
Wow, I just experienced not being able to get online. I spent a good 25 minutes trying to figure out why the internet wasn't working (I am ok with computers, but not enough to know exactly what to do when the internet isn't working). The thought of not being able to go online today motivated me to try my hardest to find a solution. I was especially eager because I have a specific job I want to apply to today, and nowadays applying online is the norm!
Anyway, I am so happy I am online now, and that I figured it out all by myself!!!
Rcrumple, it's too bad HP doesn't at least have a part of the community where hubs can always be viewed. I guess it is because the site's main focus is to make money, but it must be frustrating for many people to not have their creative, well-written pieces viewed.
Didn't know you were off my friend, I will take note of your blog, creativity is a must!
Hi Richard,
Sorry I missed this earlier, what a great read! Loved the ideas, humor, wit the whole damn lot! The pics are so apt and well chosen you brought more than a smile or two to this side of the pond! I have lost internet on more than one occasion so these hilarious tips will come in handy! Service Tech hunting, Belly button fluff checking . . . .oh you made me laugh! Excellent piece again, well written with great detail!
Voted up, Funny, Interesting, Awesome, Shared!
Good evening Sir Rich - I have missed hooking up with you but I must say this is your best hub presentation yet (which is saying a lot because every hub I've seen/read is world class and so funny and so true) ... and yes I love the satire and irony in your writing as always. You put a lot into your hubs and it shows - hubawesome - and it always inspires the epi-man (who as you know operates in a world of his own -lol)
Sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time ontario canada 12:47am
It is really funny but true. I really enjoyed reading your hub. Internet is already a part of living :-)))
Thanks for sharing this experience.
Voted up and more.
That is very funny!
I hate it when there are problems with my internet. It's unsettling.
It's too bad that some of your hubs have become hidden. It must be frustrating to go through all of the work, and even win an award for one, and have that happen. Good luck, wherever you write.
I hope that never happens here..... I can't think of any thing that I can replace that time slot with..... I will go crazy!! Had a good laugh, Richy! Wonderful article! One complain..... I haven't been getting any notifications for any of your hubs!! Wonder what happened :(
Have a great day buddy....
Up, Useful, Funny, and Interesting.
I like your cooking.
Another option is to go in search of a WiFi hotspot that still has service. These days that incljudes not only public and university libraries and coffeehouses but also Burger King, McDonalds, some laundromats, local bakeries and bagel shops, and more.
Awesome hub! I only wish I could have been online to read it when my internet crashed a couple of days ago. See what I miss by not having internet? I miss articles about not having internet! Still, I am thankful that at least they finally got internet out to where I live, even if it does have to be delivered by mule everyday. :)
Hilarious information here, and I do love the idea of taking a trip in my office chair.
I often experience this and indeed it's very frustrating when I lose my internet connection. Nice information and funny. I love it! Thanks for sharing.
"Noooo, this is not happening!" That's me yelling in front of my screen when I get disconnected. Lol! This is so funny Rich as expected from you.
But when it happens, I go wash the dishes by hand and do some dusting instead while peeping once in a while using my blackberry. Sometimes, I go watch Honey Eew Eew! Lol!
Thanks for the much needed humor in life. (:
Up and sharing!
This hub is a hoot, funnier because it touches on a subject we all have faced. I especially like the idea of being pushed around the neighborhood in my computer chair. I'll have to check that with my wife. Great hub. Voted up and funny.
Too funny - and oh so true! Thanks for the chuckles!
ROFLMAO.....I give....You are hopeless.....and we love you for it.
Thanks for the chuckle. When this happens to me, I feel so lost. This is hilarious!
hahaha hilarious list..but i kinda do those things once in awhile like perfecting my spider solitaire skills. so funny rich. sharing
This is hilarious I am still laughing. Loved your ideas or most of them anyway, not sure I'm keen on my significant other pushing me around in my chair no telling where I'd finish up.
Being without the internet is like losing a leg or an arm, there is just something missing and we can't function right without it.
It means I have to get stuck into the housework or get onto that crossword in the woman's magazine to win $1,000, only to find entries had to be in 2 days ago.
Awesome, funny and voting up
You and my brother should sit down and compare recipes. What the hell - write a cookbook together. I am sure it would quickly become a #1 best seller! Thanks for the fun!
Rumplestiltzskin.........Thank you so much for reconfirming my accurate analysis of your unique psyche, from the moment I read your first sentence here.
There may be help for you, but I can't promise anything. Every once in awhile, there is that one unfortunate individual who defies all medical and professional attempts at introducing mental stability and clarity.
In the meantime, please continue to take your meds and remain confined to quarters. Thank you....
Up+++
This made me crack up. I lost internet service the other day for a while. Freaked me out and got me a little scared about how reliant I have become on the internet. I cleaned the house instead. Not nearly as much fun. Up and shared.
Ha ha ha i agree the points, you made my day, hilarious hub
Best laugh I have had in awhile because it is so true. (It is true isn't it? lol)
What will we ever do if we get in the place of the people like in Sandy? No nothing! and still waiting...The way the storms keep hitting it could well happen. Well with that bit of cheer I will get on with my list of visits. lolololol
Rich, isn't crazy how dependent we've become on the internet? Me, included. I'd be out of business without it!
The Gangnam video is a riot. It makes no sense, but I guess those are all things you can do to amuse yourself while you're waiting for the 'net to come back up!
Ahh, losing Internet service once in a while seems productive.. at least for you, Rich! LOL ^_^ I enjoyed your hub once again ^_^
I've found myself without internet service on occasion. After puttering around for awhile and realizing all the things I couldn't do without the Internet, I was forced to do housework instead. (inward shudder.)
A wonderful hub; I loved it and vote up,across and share all around.
Eddy.
Still laughing over some of your suggestions. Seriously, great advice in general -- love the solitaire, cooking and get out the old video game station. I think the internet being down is cause of high stress when you work at home, but then dealing with the situation and then finding other activities helps. Voted up++
Great tips. I might use them even when my Internet does work, just for fun. (Especially the one about cooking!)
LOL Very funny take on internet connection panic!!! You are lousy with the recipes but funny as hell! Great suggestion with the candle wax but wow - you do go a bit crazy when internet disruption occurs! Although you may suffer, I enjoy the results when you are left with too much time on your hands. Makes for awesome reading!
Very funny hub... this happened to me at the start of the new year - suddenly EVERYTHING I wanted to do was only possible on line. I felt very cut off but then decided on housework(!) followed by a nice lunch (I am in France, after all) and then started to feel rather liberated. Felt like an addict taking control, until they got it working again and within minutes I was straight back in the swing of things. Voted up and funny!
I know the feeling - whenever I lose the Internet connection I feel disconnected from the world - literally!! :)
Haha! I'll admit I'm pretty similar and also at the verge of pulling my hair out when the Internet doesn't work. Oh, and I've worked for 3 years at an Internet Service Provider....yeah, not so much fun having annoyed people screaming at you over the phone, when it's an international crises involving the cables that are on the bed of the Atlantic ocean, or when the storms cause havoc with wireless connections. But now I see it from the other side, as someone who relies heavily on Internet every single day, and am SO glad I no longer work there. Gotta have nerves of steel, lol. Fun post, thanks for the laugh today :)
You are such a nut. What a great summary of that panic we all experience when the service dies. I do have one piece of advice for you though. Stay out of the kitchen. Your concoctions almost made me puke. lol
Oh,you think this funny? I keep have to hide the phones or the denisons who roam this domain calls 911. :)) Thank you for this.
losing your internet service is one of the worst things to experience for those who have been using it for quite some time. Really gets frustrated when the internet service goes off.
Internet problem for a short duration will atleast give your ocular muscles the much needed respite you badly need now! Otherwise browsing among thousands of e mails at a stretch is not a good idea! Thanks for the wonderful humorous hub.
great post, really is strange how (our) (or may just mine) lives has changed to include a channel of communication involving the internet!
I mean I know that losing power is a pain in the neck, but it does not make me angry, even not having phone service... still annoying, but that's it!
but cut off contact with this imaginary world ( hey, nothing personal, I really love and respect you figments) and damn! I find myself getting mad.
You know, now that I read myself writing that, I think I should be a little concerned! lol nah....
I love everything about this hub Rich! You've explained all the terrible withdrawal we suffer when there's no Internet..I mean really what could be worse??? However, I might have Laryy start pushing me around the house in my computer chair so he gets in shape and is ready when I need it.
Voted up, useful, and ver funny.
I love your lead photo as that is exactly what I want to do when my internet goes out! It's a sad state of affairs when we go so nuts because we can't access the internet for a few hours! Love your hub and thanks for the ideas of what to do if the internet goes down...gives me something to do besides play endless games of Tetris!
Oops, I hate it when the internet goes down. I like Tip no. 7, and pulling out wax from candle holders is for those with a need to test the fire-proofability of their fingers! Thanks for sharing, passing this on.
And this is how I felt after Hurricane Sandy. I was going withdrawal and bad, lol!! Seriously, loved you advice and very funny article. Have of curse voted way up, shared and tweeted, too!!
RC this was so funny...As I read I began to think what I would do with no internet service..the thought sent me instantly into a panic mode..haha..after going through some withdrawals..I think I would pick up that book I had purchased a month ago that lay on my table begging me to take a look or clean the house...naaw who am I kidding....I would read!
Thanks for the smiles.
Sunnie
Hi Richard,
I was without internet service for a few hours last week. I tried several times using the diagnose and repair then gave up and went to bed. Your ways are much more fun! ROFL
Couple hours later I woke up and of course headed straight to the computer. Everything was fine.
Let the internet be with you. ;-)
Voted up, awesome, funny and sharing
Bro,
This officially gets the "you ain't right award"... but it sure hit a few funny nerves, I must say! I can just see you dear wife wheelin you round the hood and you hangin on for dear life...pickin at that belly button, honey ew ew!!
Oh man, this is good times... ain't we lucky we got em?
Voted UP and FAB! Love you, Sis
Where was clean your house? That's what I do when I have no service which is hardly ever, luckily! Or I hack into my neighbors server. I might also read or hang out with my family. Oh my!! Let's hope we never lose service!!
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