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Trying toThink Like Steven Wright

Updated on June 14, 2010

Everyone has a funny bone, half the fun is finding it

Thinking in Another Dimension

Consider Steven Wright. He is defintely from the 12th dimension (see my hub: How to Be Funny 101) and if you try to think like him I guarantee you will get a mild headache......Worth it though, he is (oxymoron or not,) seriously funny. Here are more of my favorites:

  • What's another word for "thesaurus"?
  • When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
  • I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
  • I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a lady in Germany who said, "Cut that out!"
  • I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
  • I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
  • I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
  • I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
  • Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
  • My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
  • I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
  • Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
  • I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
  • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
  • Sponges grow in the oceans... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.
  • I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'.
  • "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
  • I hate it when my foot falls asleep that means it's going to be up all night.
  • I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
  • I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
  • I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
  • Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
  • The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

  • There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like and idiot.

Whew! Your assignment is to try to see the world in the 12th dimension like Steven Wright sees it. He says that he is a peripheral visionary. It's like he has bifocals on and he sees things as they are in one of the lenses and things as they could be if they were slightly skewed into the ridiculous. The last quote above: There's a fine line... demonstrates this perfectly...On the one hand you are a true sportsman, rugged and persistant, waiting patiently for just the right conditions for you to exercise your skill.....but...on the other hand......

OK, I'll go first. I'll take something quite ordinary, like "tired cliches."

I don't mind tired cliches, it's the energetic ones that drive me crazy,

Now you try it and post it as a comment on this hub. We'll all practice thinking like Steven Wright. A few cautions and disclaimers first---Everyone is responsible for their own aspirin and if we get close enough...well, we just might be "like that all the time."

Will the Real Steven Wright Stand Up

Comments

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    • Winsome profile imageAUTHOR

      Winsome 

      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Ditto my friend. =:)

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 

      8 years ago from California

      Oh, you are delightful. I definitely need to read more of your stuff. (I'm a horrible HP reader, just so you know; I tend to books when I have time, so don't take the lethargy with which I seem to go through your stuff as a comment on my lack of delight.)

    • Winsome profile imageAUTHOR

      Winsome 

      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Major problem I agree, private focus may not help generally but then General Lee had his own problems--none of which was focus. His ficus did not survive the campaign I hear--Grant you, ficus should have made it in the South, humidity and all. Grant said to Lincoln: "We're taking a lot of heat generally" to which Abe replied, "That's your problem, you don't even know who you're reporting to."

      Thanks for adding to the fun. SB. =:)

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 

      8 years ago from California

      Good stuff! Steven Wright is one of my all time favorite comedians. And you are quite wright to suggest him as a method of learning how to make humor. He has such an amazing ability to tweak cliché and just language in general. I don't know how the language go IN the general, but he can tweak it. Hopefully not during a battle though, 'cause, it's better if they focus during a fight, in my opinion.

    • Winsome profile imageAUTHOR

      Winsome 

      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Ha ha, I liked it. Sorry about the two comment sections, talk about another dimension. I lost one of the comments but I think I can get her to re-visit. Thanks for coming by and for the thumbs up. =:)

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 

      8 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs, Winsome. I'm tired as hell, but I don't mind so much because I could sleep forever. No, really I am tired. That was my best effort. voted up and funny.

    • Winsome profile imageAUTHOR

      Winsome 

      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Thanks Michael. I love that guys super dry but very intelligent humor. Loved your barn piece. =:)

    • Michael Shane profile image

      Michael Shane 

      8 years ago from Gadsden, Alabama

      Too funny! Great hub!

    • Winsome profile imageAUTHOR

      Winsome 

      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Always glad to see Wrens fly by whether there's a frost or not. =:)

    • wrenfrost56 profile image

      wrenfrost56 

      8 years ago from U.K.

      Hi winsome I skimmed this for now but will digest the rest tomorrow, I have liked what I have found so far though. :)

    • Winsome profile imageAUTHOR

      Winsome 

      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Great one Dark Knight. Thanks for visiting.

    • Dark knight rides profile image

      Dark knight rides 

      8 years ago from Denver

      I love Steven Wright. He was one of my favorites in high school:

      "I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics. I like to take her for walks around the apartment, on the ledge."

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