Twisted Fairy Tales
Cover of Twisted Fairy Tales
Three Little Pigs
April 4, 16:15
Landed in Sampson, North Carolina. The grass here is green but the stench of pig feces lays heavy in the air. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not scared. Special Ops behind enemy lines is always dangerous work, especially where pigs are concerned. But I will do my duty, for alpha and pack, just as any canis lupus would.
April 5, 22:30
After scouting the area for the day, I feel confident in my selection. Lieutenant Oinker is holed up in a hovel near the woods. He seems to think that a pile of straw will keep him safe – he is wrong. Early recon suggests that I can strike at will, as he is unprepared. He shall pay for his wrongdoings.
April 6, 03:00
Goddamn, what a rush. Seeing that pig squeal brought out something so animalistic in me. I feel the need to tell you all about it.
I snuck up, careful not to wake him. I couldn’t even hear my own footsteps. I was breathing in Lieutenant Oinker’s ear before he woke up. When he opened his eyes, I made sure that my face was the only thing he could see. The cries, oh the cries, that came from his snout were so pleasing. I pinned that porker down to interrogate him. “Where did you put the pups,” I asked, baring my teeth.
The lieutenant shifted his face to the side, unable to stare into my wide eyes as he lied, “Pups? What pups? I ain’t seen no pups.”
I slapped his stupid face with my paw, “Speak proper English,” I snapped, “You’re one of the asshole pigs that takes babies – birds or wolves,” now tell me the truth.
The pig wiggled back and forth, trying to get away but there was no escape for him, “Listen, I don’t know where they are. General Backbacon, he knows. Just please, let me go.”
I considered his request for a moment, almost ready to loosen my grip. But I knew that he was involved. I could smell the guilt on every inch of his flesh. And with the knowledge that General Backbacon would have answers, this hog was of no use to me. I sank my teeth into its raw rump, tearing away at the delicious meat, the way Fenrir meant it to be. Fenrir, I saved a piece for you!
April 7, 14:00
I must wait for the General to arrive at his home, which is a shack made of little sticks. Being this deep into enemy territory has made me think that it would be so nice if our pack could push further this way from the forest. Our once small civilization has grown considerably over the years and it feels as though there isn’t enough room for us anymore. Perhaps one day, when the threat of these pigs is gone, and peace has spread, we will be able to romp more freely. Yet, I cannot help but fear that the threat will always remain. Each time they take our young, we are forced to worry about the future. If the pigs are gone, will something take its place? Will it be more hideous and ugly?
The general has arrived, it is time for a surprise attack.
April 7, 16:45
He snorted at me, “Huh, huh, Hogwarts! We didn’t take your pups.”
He was hogtied, kicking his legs together, trying to loosen the bindings. I took out my army issued knife, held it close to his snout and shouted, “You lie! The lieutenant has already given you up. Tell me where they are, or I’ll cut off that curly little tail of yours.”
“Huh, huh, Hogwarts,” he said again, “You’d never do such a thing!”
I whispered into his ear, “If you make one more, shitty, irrelevant, Harry Potter reference, I’m going to do way more than that!” Rage blinded my reason. I have never tortured before but there is something too visceral about this mission, something that drives me towards a world from which I may never return.
I began floating away from the moment, dreaming about ways to cut this son of a sow. My name could live on forever as the The Butcher of Pigsdale, a name for which people would rejoice, parades would be held, parades to the edge of the forest where we can finally live in peace.
I looked at General Backbacon, waiting for him to say Hogwarts one more time but he just stared into my wild eyes. Fuck how I hated his smug snout. I could only think about how much I wanted to cut off that curly cue. My knife seemed to lower itself towards his butt and with a quick flick, I had his tail in my hand, dangling it in front of his face. I told him, “Now you better tell me where they are, or else that snout of yours is next.”
The general squealed and squealed, begging for his life until finally, I learned that the Kaiser was holding them up in a brick compound. I wanted to let him go. I really did. But bacon is bacon and I had to eat him.
April 8, 02:00
Sleep eludes me. I am nervous for my 05:00 attack. My mind wanders and I can’t help but think about how other species believe that wolves can huff and puff and blow a house down. It’s as ridiculous as thinking that a cougar could suck up enough water to drain a lake, or that a fish could spit bullets at an Italian plumber. It’s the kind of stuff that fairy tales are made of.
Oh well, perhaps if I count sheep – delicious, delicious sheep – I will be able to get a couple hours of shut-eye.
April 9, 08:20
I’m not sure where I am. I look around and see wounded wolves everywhere. I can recall my approach to Kaiser von Porkalot’s bricked compound. Darkness still enveloped the warzone, though the light of the new day, a day that was supposed to be filled with victory, was starting to creep in. I took a deep breath as I approached the outer wall.
This fortress would not be so easy to penetrate, so I brought a ladder with me, knowing that there was a single opening on the roof. After scaling the wall without any resistance, I looked down the chimney only to smell something putrid seeping out. The chimney itself only felt warm and there was no smoke wafting upwards. Everything seemed fine for my descent. I crawled into the hole, careful to apply even pressure to all four of my limbs. I’m not sure how but I slipped, then tumbled into some kind of cauldron. Then burning! Such burning! My body convulsed with pain, causing me to jump so high that I cleared the roof. I landed on the ground with a solid thud then rolled around, trying to extinguish whatever this agony was. I ran, unsure of what to do. But my mind wasn’t right. I was so focused on the pain that I didn’t look where I was going. I shot back into the forest, seeking cover, worried that the pigs would be after me.
I continued to run, looking back to see if anyone was after me but when I looked forward again, I saw an object, then blackness. My best guess is that I ran into a tree.
As I look down at my body, I see bandages and fluid soaking through. I think my entire body is covered. More importantly, my mission is a failure. The pigs have bested us yet again. My only solace is that I know the pups will be safe for a little while longer and that another, hopefully more skilled, unit will try again. This fight will not be lost.