ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Unorthodox Weight Loss Tips

Updated on August 15, 2011

How far would you go to lose weight?

Now, I wouldn't advocate any of the weight loss methods below. In fact, I'd go so far as to discourage each and every one of them. However, anyone who's struggled with their weight and has wished for a miracle might find these ideas amusing. (SATIRE ALERT: If you have no appreciation for satire, please stop reading)

1. Follow the Supermodel diet.

Be sure to give your body the nutrients it needs by eating a sensible diet of lettuce and Diet Coke. Or tomatoes and apples.Guaranteed to make you "drop-dead" gorgeous.

2. Forget replacing soda with water. Replace both with Enviga.

Three cans of this stuff have negative 100 calories. That means you'd have to eat 100 calories' worth of food just to break even.

3. Instead of taking the bus, push it.

4. Instead of the see-food diet (when you see food, you eat it), try the c-food diet.

Only eat food if it starts with the letter c. (Unfortunately, this includes cookies, cake, and chocolate)

5. Consider corrective surgery.

Of course there's liposuction. You could also get breast augmentation, to make your belly look smaller in comparison. Not recommended for men.

6. Try the "Fat Flush" plan.

Seems to follow the "toilet principle": Eat a whole bunch of fat (flax seed oil) to help "flush out" the fat. A big hit among eccentric geriatrics.

7. Forget the 3-Hour Diet. Try the 3-Day Diet.

Eat only once every 3 days. Guaranteed to help you lose weight. (Participants should eat a sensible diet and engage in regular, moderate exercise.)

8. Trying to decide between Pilates, yoga, weight-training and running? Do all of them.

9. Try the WWJE? Diet.

When you get hungry, ask yourself: "What Would Jesus Eat?" Probably not a hamburger and french fries, since those hadn't been invented 2000 years ago.

Wondering what you can eat? Dig into the greatest trove of Middle Eastern recipes in the world, the Bible. Hint: You'll probably be eating a lot of fish and bread.

10. Nothing beats heroin.

A favorite with Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and anyone else chalking up their weight loss to "TrimSpa". And if you don't like the unsightly "track marks", then opt for methamphetamine (crystal). Minor side effects include rapid aging and zombification.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      drwhitelight 

      7 years ago

      You completely forgot binging and purging through the power of Bulimia.

    • smarcuse profile image

      smarcuse 

      9 years ago

      Satire? What satire?

      I long for the good ol' days when it was lettuce and Tab (and that enjoyable aftertaste).

      The advantage of heroin - I don't gain the weight back as quickly. Plus I am able to stick to the diet with little effort.

    • raymondphilippe profile image

      Raymond Philippe 

      11 years ago from The Netherlands

      I'll go for lettuce and diet coke.

    • profile image

      asapilot 

      11 years ago

      Funny stuff. The sad thing is there are people out there who actually do this stuff. I don't understand the obsession myself, but I feel for those who are so driven to meet some image that only exists in their heads. But if you can't laugh at it, what can you do? :)

      http://www.diettopics.info

    • Maddie Ruud profile image

      Maddie Ruud 

      11 years ago from Oakland, CA

      I know this is satire. But it makes me sad. As someone with a history of an eating disorder, I've done some crazy things too.

    • Guru-C profile image

      Cory Zacharia 

      11 years ago

      i love satire but think i'm going to try these suggestions anyway :-)

    • profile image

      IĆ°unn 

      11 years ago

      lol, good hub. the creamed spinach and zingers diet works pretty well too and it's a lot more fun. :p

    • profile image

      wajay_47 

      11 years ago

      Wow, Livelonger, the effects of methamphetamine on a person's looks is downright scarey! Great Hub!

    • vic profile image

      vic 

      11 years ago

      Number six works for me!!

    • livelonger profile imageAUTHOR

      Jason Menayan 

      11 years ago from San Francisco

      "TrimSpa" definitely works, but as Kathy Griffin said, TrimSpa is about 80-90% heroin (it says so right on the bottle).

    • gredmondson profile image

      gredmondson 

      11 years ago from San Francisco, California

      You mean TrimSpa doesn't really work? Anna Nichole Smith wasn't telling the truth?

    • jimmythejock profile image

      James Paterson 

      11 years ago from Scotland

      wow livelonger a diet to kill for omg .....jimmy

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)