Vampires: Why We Love Them When They Suck So Much

As much as you think that vampires are good for something, like hickeys, well. Think again. Vampires, although fictional, are the bad guys.

Some people think a good vampire movie is a good thing. Well. There are a few things about a vampire movie that are mesmerizing. There is always a good guy that happens on the scene and doesn't know that he is the chosen vampire killer.

If you want to be in a vampire movie, you need to be a good panter. Heavy, labored breathing from all the running you do is required.

The vampire movie that is on, on our television right now, has heavy metal music playing. There are very muscular men that are the good guys. There are pouting females that have very tight, revealing tank tops and hardly any body fat.

There are bad guys wearing Zorro hats and sporting fangs in their front teeth. Beware of them.

Why are the women, who have been involved in the scenes oblivious to the danger they are in. The girls were tied to roof rafters and the one was laying on a table. Apparently, the scene where the man was sitting in a chair with strange clamps on his head wasn't enough for us.

The good guy went in, blasted all the bad guys and then, the man who was being tortured in the chair, calmly explains to him that the one eyed woman, used to be his woman before she turned into some queen bee of vampires. The rest of them, just followers.

Gunfire constantly. I have not seen anyone reloading their machine guns.

Oh, now there are motorcycles crashing and fire. Yelling. Headlights. Semi trucks chasing motorcycles down the highway.

A convertible car with a vampire and a, too calm, woman riding. There is another woman driving the semi. A man with a machine gun and he's shooting motorcycles right and left like a bad video game.

They just showed the car. The hood is absolutely riddled with bullet holes. Now, there are racing noises and squealing of tires. Smashing noises.The woman in the semi is hurt. The good guy touches her cheek and she instantly feels better.

Wow. It's quiet now, except for heavy breathing. Sparks.

Oh, oh. A car is racing toward them. The good guy draws his sword. Is he out of bullets.

Now, all you hear is swords clanking and a lot of grunting.

The scene is quiet.

Now, a narrator intones some blurb about walking away from the scene and forgetting it.

And. You guessed it. Here come the final credits.

How could you possibly improve on it. Oh, and the movie that I was listening to was called "The Bleeding."