Vanished Youth
Like it was yesterday, I recall
Any signs of my youth vanished overnight. In one, swift, last breath it was gone forever. My mother’s mother, the last surviving grandparent. She waited until the last of her children arrived. The moment he entered the door my grandmother finally let go. My beloved grandmother finally released her last breath while we stood and sat around her hospital bed anticipating the inevitable ending. I was afraid and somewhat shocked. I was mad too. I felt betrayed, somehow robbed. Everyone just touched and hugged her body and then simply walked out of the room sighing in relief heading towards their own homes. I felt like screaming! I felt like throwing a tantrum, and inwardly I did. I was emptied and drained of all tears but my insides felt on fire, it was nauseating--the temper, I kept hidden. And then somewhere I found my breath again and exhaled heavily as I reached my car without noticing I was walking towards it.
As I lit a cigarette and started the engine I noticed the time. It was six a.m. and the parking lot was now empty. I did not feel like going home, and I wasn’t ready to pick up my son at the sitter’s. I knew I should sleep, but if i were to go home my daughters would probably wake. I wanted to be alone. Driving out of the hospital parking lot, I turned towards the National Park and kept driving straight past my house until I reached my favourite beach. I went for a walk knowing at that moment nothing else mattered. In One last breath my youth vanished!
I shared this today because another than I is going through the loss of her youth, and it’s hard to imagine it unless you have been there. The truth of the matter is that when there is no longer evidence of elders remaining in one’s life a transformation occurs. It is life altering and a difficult, extraordinary survival for many that actually allow it’s reality in....
