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Redneck Story # 5 - Weird Stories From Strange and Unknown Sources

Updated on February 13, 2010

These tales are transcribed from notes I made some time back. Most of them were found on the Internet. Almost all of them were written by authors with strange minds. They tickled me pretty well, and so I felt that sharing them with you might bring some smiles your way, too. If the authors had been identified, I would certainly provide them with all of the credit; however, there were no names... only strange stories which, to me, were all quite humorous. So as not to infringe on anyone's copyright, I have rewritten the lot of them.

*****

It is so sad that entire families can be torn asunder by so simple a thing as a pack of wild dogs.

Two words of great mystery are "mank" and "ind." If you put the two together to form a single word, you come up with "mankind." But who understands "mankind," for no one yet understands either "mank" or "ind." Talk about real mysteries...

It is my everlasting wish that, should dogs prevail and eventually rule over the world, and they choose one among them to be king, they go by some means of choosing other than simply size. There are probably some rat terriers and dachshunds running around out there with great ideas.

"I guess that all of us were equally guilty in some way. We shot him. We skinned him. We each of us received free bumper stickers reading, 'I helped skin John.'"

Certainly, the real reason that the police don't let folks near wrecked aircraft following plane crashes is that they want to prevent people from walking right on up there, lying down amid all of the wreckage, and then, when the investigators come to the scene, act as though they just came to and ask, "What happened?"

Suppose that you were a poor Indian without weapons. Here comes a troop of fierce conquistadores, and they ask you, "Indian, where is the gold?" Likely it would be a bad idea for you to answer, "I swallowed it - so sue me."

Why would a complete stranger dive into an ice-choked river to save a solid gold baby? Do you think we will ever know?

You know something? All of us tend to scoff at the beliefs of our ancestors, but there is no way we can scoff at them personally, right to their faces. That really ticks me off.

If it were possible for trees to scream and cry out, would humans be so cavalier about chopping them down? Well, yes, we might indeed - if they screamed all the time and for no reason.

NASA Rule Number 17,379: "Dogs are not allowed on the space shuttles. If they stick their heads out when returning from orbit, their faces might burn off."

Here's one about what would make for a really great story - it would be about a clown who works hard to make people happy but who is really very, very sad himself. Further, he has a bad case of diarrhea.

When the kid asks,"Where does rain come from?" you tell the kid that God is crying. Should the youngster then ask why God is crying, you might consider telling the kid, "Probably it is because of something you did."

Well, some spectators said it was a miracle. Saint Xavier appeared out of nowhere and knocked the very next pitch all the way over the fence. Those folks are nuts. I think that it was just a very lucky swing.

Don't you think that sudden, uncontrolled urination should not disqualify you in a weightlifting match?

It would be fun to go back to the days of the cave men. There is about to be an eclipse. You tell those cave men, "I have come here to wipe you out, and you will know that because the sun will leave the sky." Suddenly, an eclipse starts. This angers the cave men and they act as though they want to kill you or something equally painful. Thereupon you provide them all with an explanation of the rotation of the universe and the whole rest of it, giving everyone a great laugh.

It is certain that I was a king in one of my previous lives. I know this is so because I really believe that people should do what I tell them to do.

Are you an explorer or a naturalist? If you ever get stuck under really dense jungle undergrowth, dressed only in your underwear, try not to think of other words having "under" in them. That is likely a sign of jungle madness.

Here's an idea for a great movie. It would be about a man who became a famous brain scientist. He gets whacked on the head, damaging that part of his brain that makes a person want to study brains.

Were the ancient Vikings still around, wouldn't they be astounded at how we take glow-in-the-dark stuff for granted and at how much of it we have.

Should you ever become temporarily insane, don't shoot anyone as do so many people we read about. Try, instead, to get your garden weeding done. It is amazing what that does for you.

Here's one you can pull off during an earthquake - Straddle a crack that is growing in the ground. As it gets wider and wider, yell, "Whoa, whoa!" and wave your arms around like crazy, as though you are going to fall in.

*****

Yes indeed, these are all reasonably nutty little jokes. I hope that they made you smile. If not, I hope that you did not whack your monitor screen with a shoe or hammer. 'Tain't the computer's fault!!!

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    • PADDYBOY60 profile image

      PADDYBOY60 

      6 years ago from Centreville Michigan

      That's a cool and funny story Gus. I always enjoy reading your stuff.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      6 years ago from USA

      OK Paddyboy - Here's the story told to me by one of the Pima Indians on the reservation at Sacaton, AZ, where the two of us worked in the kidney dialysis center there.

      One day a Pima tribesman was walking along, minding his own business, when he suddenly encountered one of those pesky Conquistadores.

      "And, what kind of an Indian are you?" asked the Spaniard.

      "Pimage," replied the Indian, once he had figured out what it was he had been asked.

      And, in the language of that tribe, that translates into "I don't know."

      My working friend swore to me that that is how the Pima tribe got its name.

      While at my two weeks of work at Sacaton I paid a visit to a (now) federal historical site down the road a piece. Its name is "Casa Grande" (Big House) and it was inhabited by an Indian bunch called "Ho Ho Com," whose name means "the ones who disappeared." Supposedly they lived there from around 500-800 until they simply up and left for places unknown around 1300 or so.

      When I came back home to Texas, my bride asked me what I had done over there in Arizona for the last several weeks. I told her that I had worked out really hard with the "I don't know" Indians and, in between times, that I had visited the place where the "Indians who disappeared" had once lived in the 4 stories-tall mud adobe buildings they had constructed for my entertainment, lo these many years later.

      Tell things like they are, Paddyboy!

      Gus :-)))

    • PADDYBOY60 profile image

      PADDYBOY60 

      6 years ago from Centreville Michigan

      Well then, I sometimes think that dogs are smarter than some humans. I do have a buddy that had a dog, that picked up his teeth. That dog chewed them up and the poor guy had to buy another set. Of course none of us laughed about it. (:

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      6 years ago from USA

      Paddyboy - You actually did blow them out. They landed over there by the dog. He is a really smart dog, so he picked them up and dropped them into his water dish. Dogs really do know the value of oral hygiene.

      Gus:-)))

    • PADDYBOY60 profile image

      PADDYBOY60 

      6 years ago from Centreville Michigan

      Hi Gus - You had me laughing so hard, I about blew my teeth out!

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