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"I am becoming a stranger to myself. I'm a vacant corpse, walking these roads of life, which now feel more like hallways. With locked doors, and barricaded wind
When the depression hits
The wind whispered out of my opened bedroom window, drawing me into a conversation I was not interested in having. With people who mask their feelings, who pretend they're fine. So much envy, which leads to anger, which leads to frustration. Which leads to me, ignoring the howling whispers of the night.
My open mind, now vulnerable for those in a couple mile radius. I try and run, I try and hide. But others only catch up to me, some take over, my thoughts gradually change into someone else's. Am I living for them or for myself? I don't recognize these views, I don't recognize these thoughts, I don't recognize this point of view. I'm becoming someone who I no longer recognize, I am becoming a stranger to myself.
I'm a vacant corpse, walking these roads of life, which now feel more like hallways. With locked doors, and barricaded windows.. where the sun leaves reflections on the walls, reminding me I'm trapped, alone, and in lock down. Every part of me, except my brain. The most vulnerable part of my very existence, the most cherished, the most important. It feels as if more than my identity was stolen, I feel as if my entire existence was being in use by another form, another being, as if I belong to someone else with nothing to use to protect myself. Nothing to fight back with, my words I once used; later got mixed up in a fashion where everything you were about to say that made sense a minute ago, didn't once it escaped your lips. I go to think, I go to rephrase my words, but no matter how much effort I put into it; nothing comes out right.
Nothing is the way I pictured it, nothing is turning out the way I wanted it too, nothing is going according to plan. Every time, I feel as if I just drove into a ditch, after being cut off by the guy next to me. But what about when you can't find yourself? What if you're staring at a stranger in the mirror, and having difficulty becoming acquainted, because I can't seem to put my story together. I can't seem to go further than my basic information, is that all we are? Our name, birthday, where we were born, our age? There is so much more than our information we put on our Facebook page.
But every time I dig deeper, I end up sinking, sinking into an abyss. Darkness, surrounds me. As I float aimlessly, in search for answers. But only to come across voices of those that used to treat my wounds. But now, the harsh lingering vibration of the words spit, causing my wounds to sting as their teeth break the skin, and the venom sinks in. They are degrading me, pushing me down, trying to get me to go down a notch. Saying I'm to high, to up in the sky, to out of reach in order to help me or do any favors. Am I supposed to just sit here and take this? I have no energy to fight back. I walk away, vocal harassment bouncing off the back of my head...
"I'm in control now. I am in control, I control my life, I control what I take from others, I control when I've had enough. I control when I chose to leave, or when I chose to stay. "
I walk closer to the light, closer to the opera I'm hearing in the distance, I walk closer to the glow, to the beautiful voices that praise the Lord. I'm not religious or anything, but maybe religion will help me in a spiritual level, maybe it will clam my head. I'm told they'll accept you, even when you cant accept yourself. Maybe they'll show me the gate of glory, the gates of freedom, the gates that separate humans from society. The place where you'll never feel lonely, and even if you find yourself walking down the hallways of life, locked away from civilization you won't have to be confronted by people that expect you to change. People who beg for chance after chance, to prove nothing other than that they clearly don't understand what they're doing to themselves and another human being. All you have to do is look into yourself, and see a friend. To feel hope, to understand, to roam free in the fields or wherever you'd want to be. All you ever have to do is look into yourself and find peace, to find your true self hidden behind layers of skin.
A new beginning
Symptoms of depression
- Feeling of sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness
- Irritability and frustration
- Loss of interest
- Sleep disturbances
- Agitation and anxiety
- Slowed body movements, and thoughts
- Feeling of worthlessness
- Guilt fixated on self blame
- Trouble remembering things, thinking, and concentrating
- Frequent thoughts of suicide, and suicide attempts, and bodily problems such as headaches and back pain
Causes of depression
- Brain chemistry: Neurotransmitters and how they react with neurocircuits, may play a huge role in depression and its treatment,
- Biological differences: Those that have depression seem to have changes in brain chemistry.
- Hormones: Changes in the body's balance of hormones may be involved in causing or triggering depression.
- Inherited traits: If depression runs in the family, those that are blood related may also have this condition.
About the interview
This video is a patient diagnosed with depression, showing their symptoms quite clearly, such as low mood, reduced motivation, and reduced enjoyment.
About the author
Alexandra Clausen, is a outgoing freelance author and spoken word poet. She has been doing creative writing for over 10 years, and is always looking to try something different. Alex is a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to criticizing and editing her own writing. Normally Alex's poems revolve around love/lust, mental illness, and past experiences.