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Who Was My Father?

Updated on November 10, 2015


I don't remember my Dad,he left when I was two
Can I really miss? What I never really knew.
I only go with stories,told to me by my Mum
Some of them are disturbing,others leave me numb.
He was violent,a drunk,a bully and an abuser
My Mum, a means to an end,all he did was use her.
I don't know how I'd feel,if I met him face to face
Would I speak to him at all,would he be a disgrace?
I haven't seen this man in forty three years
He's never looked for me,he's never shed any tears.
Don't know if he's dead or if he's even alive
Does he have more kids? Without his help,did they thrive?
I wonder will I ever meet him,what could he possibly say
To justify his neglect,will I ever see the day?
I'm kind of up and down,on the idea of him showing face
What words would I say,would there be an embrace?
Would emotions over throw me,would I lash out at his showing
Would he sense anger or silence,is there any way of knowing?
The truth is I don't know,don't know how I would react
Would our meeting for the first time,end in some violent sort of an act?
I would not like to think I'd end up going to his level
By all accounts so far,he's portrayed as a heartless devil.
Only time will tell me,if we are ever destined to meet.
If he thought of me over the years,did his heart ever miss a beat.

I've never had a Dad except for a step dad.i don't know that much of where he went,if he's dead or alive,inevitably time will let me know one way or another.

A void.

i feel a void

with him not being there

most people have a Dad

its really not fair

will I ever see him?

will we ever meet?

will our paths ever cross?

it would be quite neat.

Loneliest feeling.

It's a terrible feeling not having a Dad to speak of.I grew up with a step Dad, but never knew my real Dad.bput can't help but wonder what if? Would my life be any different if I had the direct influence of my biological father,truth is i don't know,and may never know.i have a very curious and inquisitive mind,so me wondering often is probably not about to change any time soon.i don't know if that's a good thing or a curse. I think now and then if he is even alive,if I ever found him what would we be like with each other,after 43 years could we even salvage a relationship to speak of.

Would I call him Dad immediately or wait a while to see how it spans out. I think of all these daft instances often.they kind of keep my curiosity about him regular.

What type?

what type of man

ignores his son

for forty three years

a relatiomship ,there's been none.

could it be repaired?

if they ever met

would they fight and argue?

would we end up in regret?

Can he ever be your Dad?

Can he earn the name?

Or is the 43 years.

just a wasted game.

Chance meeting.

It is entirely possible we may have met at some point over our many years apart. I may have sat beside him on a train or a bus. I might have passed him in a shopping centre ,and never knew who he was,or the significance of our passing each other by. Maybe we have brushed passed each other at some point,just not destined to stop and speak to each other,to see if he has missed me. To see if there is guilt in his eyes at not being there for all this time. I like to think I may have passed by him at some point,to think that my search isn't a total lost cause. Maybe,in the future our paths might cross.Ony time will tell.

What he's missed.

I feel sorry for him to a certain extent. I feel sorry he's missed out on the opportunity to have had five wonderful grand kids. Memories and times he cannot get back.I feel sorry he missed my wedding, He missed every important milestone in my life. He missed the births of all my kids. He missed out on my bad days,the days he might have been able to have made a bit easier, ive had to cope with all these things by myself. I do feel sorry for him.

Missed happiness.

he has missed out on a least a thousand opportunities to smile.I've lost count of all the times my kids made me laugh and smile,all these times he could have been there if he had taken the time to find me. It's his loss,and a big loss at that. He has lost out in getting to know five wonderful kids and an amazing wife. Abscent fathers are a curse on's an all too familiar headline in our time. Fathers being allowed to neglect their parental responsibilities after getting women pregnant. It shouldn't be allowed to happen , but in a lot of cases unfortunately,sometimes the family is better of without the father. He turns out to less than useless. Not a good recipe for taking responsibility for a young life.


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    • bigj1969 profile image

      John Marshall 2 years ago from glasgow

      Thanks (always exploring),I appreciate you stopping by.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 2 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This is beautiful. I can relate, my mother left my father when I was two. I never knew him.

    • Best of Aying profile image

      Best of Aying 3 years ago from Philippines

      I believe that everything happens for a reason. In His time, everything will be alright.

    • Elsie Hagley profile image

      Elsie Hagley 3 years ago from New Zealand

      Beautifully done poem. I hope you do meet your father one day, and then all your questions in that poem will be answered. all the best.

    • bigj1969 profile image

      John Marshall 3 years ago from glasgow

      Thanks Ericdierker,I appreciate the comments.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 3 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      You did a great job telling a haunting story in prose. The sadness enveloped me.

    • Wrath Warbone profile image

      Terry Chestnutt 3 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

      I like it but it touched t off a reaction ion in me that was related but not entirely in kind. Thanks for opening me up to myself a little more. What is a poem?

    • bigj1969 profile image

      John Marshall 3 years ago from glasgow

      Thanks for reading my poem.

    • Wrath Warbone profile image

      Terry Chestnutt 3 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

      I can sort of relate. My Dads was carted off when I was eight because he tried to strangle me. Before then we were best of friends. I saw him again when I was twenty. He was nice and happy to see me. I don't believe the things they say about him. Except that one time he was good ass gold to me. If you think different remember I knew him as a son. It's not the same thing.