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Everything he touched turned - War Stories Ain’t All Alike - # 7

Updated on June 30, 2012

Sandia Base - the Army's nuclear weapons center

One time on Sandia Base, there was a soldier who could never do anything right. Whatever he touched broke. Whatever he tried to put together promptly fell apart. Whenever he said something, it came out all wrong. He was, as the saying goes, a real loser.

Further than that, he was one of those people who do not have the knack of getting along with other people. He had few friends and those only on paydays. He was a real bona fide loser.

Could not smile for crying
Could not smile for crying | Source

 

An honest-to-goodness loser

This soldier was a cast-in-bronze loser all right, but he did have a certain sensitivity about him that caused him to despair over his lot and over his many, many faults and lapses. His despair deepened until, one day, the soldier decided to end his misery by simply ending his life.

Ugly, but two stories tall
Ugly, but two stories tall | Source

The barracks might be tall enough

He struggled up onto the roof of one of the old two-story barracks buildings, falling twice, but still dragging with him the barracks lawn watering hose. Tying one end of the hose securely to the barracks chimney, he looped the other end of the hose around his neck and leaped off of the roof into space and to his finish.

There are times when a person should stretch things
There are times when a person should stretch things | Source

Flexibility is one of the specifications

The knots held well. The hose, however, was of flexible, government issue, 100 per cent pure East Indian rubber. It gently stretched, easing the soldier to the ground with only a sore throat to show for his efforts.

Statehouse in Columbus, Ohio
Statehouse in Columbus, Ohio | Source

Who is the winner now?

There is a happy ending to this story. The cast-in-bronze loser went into politics after the army told him to go home.

The last time his Sandia Base acquaintances heard of him, he was a state congress representative with a nice office in the statehouse up there in Columbus, Ohio.

Copyright 2010 G. Kilthau

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    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Howdy Arlynne - You ask a question that may be answered by this man's progeny - provided he stays alive long enough to have some progeny.

      Gus :-)))

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Hi Arlynne - Of course, you are correct, but what can be said about someone who cannot even do that successfully?

      Gus :-)))

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Howdy Ray (aware) - You have my permission to put on a sweater or a jacket. Glad you enjoyed this little tale.

      Gus :-)))

    • aware profile image

      Raymond Williams 

      8 years ago from Westpalmbeach

      cool read gus. love it.

      ray

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Howdy Audrey - If they could only have the kinds of foods that you know how to cook, they'd all be much smarter, much more productive, a whole lot happier, and be longer in office to our eternal benefit. Keep on keeping on, no matter what the idiots attempt to do to the rest of us !

      Gus :-)))

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 

      8 years ago from Washington

      Thanks, Gus and I tend to agree...isn't that describing ALL our politicians these days? Good lord!

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Thank you FCEtier - Glad you enjoyed the read. Today was a fine day for us here, and I hope it was that for you, too.

      Gus :-)))

    • FCEtier profile image

      Chip 

      8 years ago from Cold Mountain

      Irony?

      Thanks for a good read, Gus. Hope all y'all had a great Thanksgiving!

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Good Doctor bj - You are right. One of my schoolmates (Larry Peerce, Jan's kid) directed that dog of a movie, "Goodbye Columbus." Kinda fits the scene. In deference to today being a holiday, I did not want to call the loser guy "a turkey," even though he rather was one.

      Gus :-)))

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      8 years ago from south Florida

      Funny story, Gus, but sorta tragic for the folks in Columbus if he hasn't much changed. On the other hand, he possesses all the prerequisites for government service: do everything the hard way at the highest costs and the lowest results.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Hi Fix - You are probably correct in your non-surprise. The guy couldn't even bump himself off properly. gotta be a politician, right?

      Gus :-)))

    • profile image

      the fix 

      8 years ago

      OMG, that little story really surprised me at the end. First the rubber hose part and then that he ended up in politics. Hilarious! But I guess I shouldn't have been surprised he ended up in politics, unfortunately it seems that job suits losers quite well.

    • GusTheRedneck profile imageAUTHOR

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      50 - Not all, but way too many. Good to see that you are such an early bird reader !

      Gus :-)))

    • 50 Caliber profile image

      50 Caliber 

      8 years ago from Arizona

      Gus, great piece I wonder do all our politicians fit that bill? Some days I wonder, 50

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