Everything he touched turned - War Stories Ain’t All Alike - # 7
Sandia Base - the Army's nuclear weapons center
One time on Sandia Base, there was a soldier who could never do anything right. Whatever he touched broke. Whatever he tried to put together promptly fell apart. Whenever he said something, it came out all wrong. He was, as the saying goes, a real loser.
Further than that, he was one of those people who do not have the knack of getting along with other people. He had few friends and those only on paydays. He was a real bona fide loser.
An honest-to-goodness loser
This soldier was a cast-in-bronze loser all right, but he did have a certain sensitivity about him that caused him to despair over his lot and over his many, many faults and lapses. His despair deepened until, one day, the soldier decided to end his misery by simply ending his life.
The barracks might be tall enough
He struggled up onto the roof of one of the old two-story barracks buildings, falling twice, but still dragging with him the barracks lawn watering hose. Tying one end of the hose securely to the barracks chimney, he looped the other end of the hose around his neck and leaped off of the roof into space and to his finish.
Flexibility is one of the specifications
The knots held well. The hose, however, was of flexible, government issue, 100 per cent pure East Indian rubber. It gently stretched, easing the soldier to the ground with only a sore throat to show for his efforts.
Who is the winner now?
There is a happy ending to this story. The cast-in-bronze loser went into politics after the army told him to go home.
The last time his Sandia Base acquaintances heard of him, he was a state congress representative with a nice office in the statehouse up there in Columbus, Ohio.
Copyright 2010 G. Kilthau