Weather Fact: I Cannot Stand Snow
Today is December
third. Only 22 days until Christmas—The Number ONE Gift-Giving Day for Americans ranging from the east to the west coast. You could also say that (this) day, of which I speak, is THE busiest day when those gifts that were given for Christmas are heading to department stores everywhere to return them for money. Sure, it sounds cold, but I will not lie to you.
Nor will I pump you up and mislead you about (that) one event that children of all ages used to celebrate all day long on the 25th of December: The Annual Build-a-Snowman Contest. Were you ever a contestant? I was, but when I helped to build snowmen (in my day), it was not for competitive reasons. The reason that my friends and I tried our very best to build the best snowman was strictly selfish. We wanted our snowman to look the best just so we could poke fun at those less-than-creative creations. Looking back now . . .it was all in good, rib-gigging trouble on our behalf.
But Those Great Days
of building snowmen (for me) are history. And this old guy (me) is very sad. Fact is while my friends and I were having a lot of fun building our snowmen and eventually took part in our Dangerous Snowball Battle, we never once thought that our activities were that dangerous—even with the danger warnings from Uncle Sam and the thousands who work in the Federal Government’s Dept. of Health and Welfare. We just plain didn’t care. We just had all the border-line fun that we could (without hurting each other) and never gave it another thought.
I said all that I wanted to say about my days building snowmen and tossing snowballs because each time that (these) memories surface, I slowly become very sad—about those care-free times of freezing temperatures, frost bite, and counting the hours until school was out for Christmas so we would have a good two weeks’ worth of snowball fights, construction of snowmen, and some of our more-creative friends began another area of our fun: Dressing their snowmen so their snow mannequins would stand out from the crowd. No worries. (e.g. Paul “Crocodile” Dundee Hogan). Friends like this were often told to get lost or just plain, leave, because “this” warning was shorter and when said with a rougher voice, the creative friends ran for their lives.
Below is a List of Reasons Why
I Don’t Promote Building Snowmen or Throwing Snowballs . . .
Dangers of Building Snowmen
- Unless a snowman is adequately-dressed, some open-thinkers might accuse you of sporting a vulgar snowman and tell you off.
- If you just have to build a snowman, please be at a younger man (than I am), or some citizens of your hometown might file a complaint and have you committed in order to receive professional help.
- Snowmen built with a smirk or frown are fine, but their makers are asking passerby’s for trouble because their snowmen are daring American citizens by wearing those bully-like looks on their faces.
- Years ago, rumors had it that a few punks who disregarded those of authority took to throwing snowballs at the power lines near their homes—sending powerful electrical currents into their hands. So you see, snowball-throwing can be a dangerous sport.
- The facts about snowballs being used for baseballs are unfounded. No rational snowball would ever be used in such games—and most snowballs fall apart when coming into contact with the bat.
- Creating snowballs, then hiding them underneath your clothing to hide them from view just so you can use them to toss them at your less-friendly friends is a very stupid and wasteful event. Your own body temperature will melt the snowballs that you have tucked safely inside your shirt and when those less-than-friendly-friends walk by, they will surely laugh you to scorn because a person whose shirt is saturated with water out in public is always good for a laugh.
- NEVER play this trick on your girlfriend or fiance: kidnap, errr, pet-nap your girlfriend’s sweet and cuddly York Terrier and then do your best to try and design a cute sweater and cap out of snow because the dog will jump for fear at the cold temperature in the snow and could bite you. And . . .when your girlfriend sees how ignorant that you are, she will break-up with you for assaulting her Yorkie and friend, NO apology will ever smooth this stupidity over.
- Bravery does NOT pay, because you find yourself at a wild party and you are on your way of being intoxicated, but you can still walk a straight line without falling.
- You let the booze (in your stomach) start to work and bellow, “I am the ONLY man at this shindig who can build his own fake face made from real snow.” The crowd stops to dare you. Then you find out just how foolish you really because you are now sitting in your hometown Emergency Room awaiting the doctor who is on call to leave his golf course just so he can charge you $300.00 for a bad case of frost bite.
- Speaking of snow and ice, if you must impress your girlfriend, DO NOT start a conversation with: “Sissy,” I might be related to Sir Edmund Hillary, you know? The first man to climb Mount Everest.” “Wy’, no, “Bill. You don’t look the part of being a rugged mountain climber.”
- You are quick to prove her wrong and then when you climb onto the roof of your home, you slide off and fall directly on her and the ground. Guess what else? “Alone Again, Naturally.”
Note: If you correctly name the title of the song at the end of the tip below, I will personally name you as the winner of the quiz in my next hub. I mean it.
December 3, 2018___________________________________________________
© 2018 Kenneth Avery