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Weird Bus Ride Home

Updated on October 22, 2011

I fell asleep on the train on my way home from work and had to get off at a different stop. I figured, what the hell, I'll stop in this bar on the corner; one I've never been to before. I really don't know how long I was there, because of the performing bears that were juggling wine bottles out back, or, maybe it was the anthropomorphic attire the bartender was wearing. Either way, I must have stayed too long because the usual buses weren't running at that hour. Bottom line, I hopped on the first bus to come along. It was the Washtinaw bus, of which I had never heard .Regardless, I needed to get home.

This is where it gets weird. The bus pulled up, and Jack Brickhouse was the driver. I say it was weird because he's been dead for quite some time, and I was reminded of Dante's Inferno, where the pilot Charon (?) carried souls across the river Styx. Any how, when I got on, the usual commuter fare was no-where to be found. Instead, the bus was filled with familiar faces I had hoped to forget existed. Nancy Reagan was sitting next to Amy Winehouse saying, "Just say no." Amy was eating a burrito shaped like the Eiffel Tower, and filled with little Frenchmen screaming, "We surrender," when Paris Hilton decided to pull a Sharon Stone and diverted my attention from their bickering and let me realize that the Dalai Lama was desperately pulling the signal chord in an attempt to stop the bus.

Now, I don't know how many of you have commuted lately. But, as you can see, this was not a normal commute...Washtinaw is a side street!

By this time, at least twenty minutes had passed and Einstein was pushing Hilton out of the way yelling something about the clock (a reference to an add for Rolex watches we had passed about a mile back...or ten miles, depending on your quantum calender). Hilton, amidst all the confusion, misinterpreted Einstein's "Clock" reference and sent a text message to Lindsey Lohan about old guy's genitalia and bad burritos.

When the bus finally pulled up to the Playground For Adult Psychosis, Rod Blagojevitch and Donald Trump were just taking down their lemonade stand, and I thought this would be a great time to disembark.The problem was, Glenn Beck was blocking the aisle with a chalkboard making everyone clean erasers before getting off. Well, naturally, from my work with Chase Bank and homeless billionaires, I had two clean ones handy.

As I was getting off the bus, Kenny, from "Southpark" was getting on. I tried to give him the heads up...but you know those poor people.

I really want to go back to that bar one day. It reminded me of the time I got on a bus that read, "Richmond," the street I lived on, and woke up in Virginia...East Virginia; I think. But if I ever find that bar again...I'm taking a taxi home.


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