What If All The Stuff In Your E-Mail Spam Folder Was Real?

Are you like me and HAVE to check your spam folder every so often? You know, just in case something legitimate got dumped there by mistake. I’m a frequent victim of my company’s email server being extra protective, or Hotmail thinking the email my friend sent me has a questionable subject line that just might have that nasty computer virus going around. It is a tremendous pain in my rear-end, especially since multiple emails that are actually spam still land in my inbox. But I deal as best I can.

Most days though, you will find me hitting that delete button with prejudice due to my utter dislike of the crap clogging up my mail. The ENDLESS advertisements and suggestive material are typically something you would not discuss with people at your church, let alone complete strangers out in the kookiness that is the internet. You know the ones I’m talking about. They have the subject lines that they are just hoping to hook me with for that one special deal I can't refuse. I once read that the scumbags behind this unwanted spam make MILLIONS of dollars. They do this by creeping to all of us that have an active email account. When I read the amount of dollars involved, for a brief second I wished I was that scumbag. Common sense quickly took over and I did not feel the need to have people wishing death and pain upon me, much like I do the senders of this garbage. Odds are good I have my share of that already, thank you.

Then I got to thinking about it. "What would our lives be like if the junk in our Spam folders was legit?" Think about that for a second. The promises within that spam folder would be life changing. Lets take a look.

Check it out gang! It looks like I have won the lottery in the U.K! They just need me to give them my routing numbers and bank account numbers. SURE! No problem there U.K. Lotto. It says I won 50,000 units. Is there a world currency called "Units?" Pretty sure the U.K. doesn't have that currency, but this has to be legit right? Sure it's legit. It is legitimately the equivalent of $1.23 and a metal slug. Sadly, in this case I would be the one scamming them because when they go to raid my bank account, they are going to find jack squat. Serious U.K. Lotto frauds, I am married and have kids. Plus I write silly articles on the internet. I have nothing there you hackney creeps.

I just got an email from Carol. Did you get one? Do you know Carol? I don't know anyone named "Carol," but by God she must know me and according to Facebook, she wants to see me tonight!!! This is my lucky day. I wonder if she would like to meet my wife? I'm betting no. Odds are good it's some fat hairy sissy-pants guy that lives in the house previously owned by his dead mother. Oh I forgot, she is still there too. In the basement. Plus there is a pit in the basement. And Carol is telling me to put the lotion in the basket or I get the hose again. Where is Special Agent Starling when you need her?

Right now I have I have 3 emails in my junk folder that say if I act right now, I could increase the size of my "manliness" in a matter of days. DAYS! And not just lengthen, they are promisin I would be AT LEAST 4 inches longer if I use their product. Four G.D. inches. Truth be told, I don't know if I could deal with that. Four inches in the scheme of things in that area is pretty substantial. One thing is for certain, if this was in anyway a legitimate thing, I guaran-f'n-tee every male in the United States is sending in for that one. That is a fact. One of the other emails also says I could have more "girth." Has anyone ever used that term other than talking about a man's privates? Every time I have ever heard that word used, it has been in relation to that subject. If for some odd reason the topic was not "that," my mind is going to go there anyway and laugh like a 12-year old. I would wager that close to 50% of the junk email I get is in some way, shape, or form about some product regarding "male enhancement." Its really sad, and funny at the same time.

It is my lucky day! In addition to my new four inches, it appears I have access to an endless supply of Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra! Best of all, this stuff is delivered discreetly RIGHT to my door. How does it get to my door discreetly you ask? It is courtesy of a courier from pharmacies "below the border." Do I have a prescription? Heck no! I don't need one. They will provide me with my wonder-drug, no questions asked. Man, what a deal. Now me and my "enhanced manhood" can keep the party rocking all night long. My biggest question though is how does one become a "discreet courier?" I think I might want this job. That would be a great conversation to have with someone. "Hey man, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a discreet courier from south of the border." "MAN that has to be a great job." "Trust me man, it is." I'm willing to bet that if there is any truth to this sort of ad, I bet the delivery truck shows up with flashing blue lights and has the word "VIAGRA" plastered down the side.

Whoa, get out of town! If I take this survey about unemployment I get $500!!! Is the survey about unemployment or do I have to be unemployed? If I am employed and I take the survey, will I become unemployed? If I take the survey and get the $500, does that mean I was employed because I got $500, but now I'm unemployed again? Do I need to notify my state unemployment office and inquire about what I should do if I took this so-called survey about unemployment? I am not even close to drunk enough to answer these questions. I better delete that one. I never knew being unemployed would be so much work.

Look at this! Apparently four people from my high school looked me up specifically today and want to reconnect! I'm not sure if this helps stoke my self-esteem or if I should hang myself. Now, I'm not saying that high school was terrible or anything, but this sort of thing is just so - -high school. You know what I'm talking about. Plus, it might be some vindictive son-of-a-gun who still holds a grudge over that time I wouldn't let him on the swings at recess. I'm not answering that email just so I can get the hell beat out of me.

So you are telling me I can get an Amazon Kindle's for $8.76? AND an iPad for under $13.00? Sweet Sassy Molassy that is a sweet deal! However, when you get your machine in the mail, it is missing the letter "S," the screen flickers, and the power button is replaced by a paper clip and duct tape. But hey...it was under $9. You can't read books cheaper than that. Wait, maybe you can, what is that ancient place called? A library? Truth be told I would be first in line if the iPad was really $13, but you have to know there is some catch at the end of this line that is going to cost you in some way shape or fashion. You might get that iPad, but not before someone hacks your identity and ruins your credit.

Awww yeah! This one here says "Real sexy and single older people have invited me." Invited me to what exactly? The Lutheran Home Tuesday Sudoku Challenge? The Wednesday early bird buffet? I hope they know what they are getting into, because any sane person would know that they should not want any of this action when it comes to buffets and Sudoku. I will break their hips for some chocolate pudding, and pull their wigs in order to fill in that ninth square. Then we will see how sexy they are. My real question is what is their idea of "older?" It's all perspective. Then again, so is sexy. These people could be straight out of Night of the Living Dead.

So that's what I've got. I'm happy to say I am very content with what I have without the help of my spam mail. Not to say I still don't have to check it. Stay tuned though because you never know what could happen. Maybe I'll get ripping drunk some night and be back telling a different tale.

That tale could be written on my new "iPad Kindle" with 4 "Q"s and a missing the letter "E." And you will be all jealous as I am ripping and tearing up the senior citizen population with my $501.23 in unemployment and lotto earnings. Plus I will not be afraid to mention my enhanced maleness that lasts up to 4 hours with a single dose. I will tell those 4 people looking me up from high school what I am all about, and they will think I am all that and a bag of chips. Believe it baby. I am.