What I Know, I didn't Learn From You! (A Poem about Family Violence)

I don't know what to say

You've broken our hearts, once again.

In a bid to try and understand,

I ask myself "What do you know?"

I know what I said and didn't say

And what I did and didn't do

Only once did I lie to you

Only once did I ask you to leave

And only once did I call you names

Not once did I lie to friends about you

But I did lie to my family for you

Never did I think you weren't good enough

Lots did I love and cherish you

Lots was I proud of you

Lots did I praise and encourage you

Lots did I try to understand you

Lots did I forgive you

And lots did I care the one time you cried

I can see the difference when compared

To what you did and didn't say

And what you did and didn't do

Lots did you lie to us

Lots did you tell us you were leaving

Lots did you call us names and put us down

Lots did you lie to friends and family about us

Always did you make us feel we weren't good enough

Not once were you proud of us

Not once did you cherish us

Not once did you praise or encourage us

Not once did you do what you said you would

And not once did you care that we cried

You told me that I lied to you

What did I lie about?

I lied about how much I missed you

For all those years that we were apart

I missed you more than you will ever know

And that was the only thing I lied about

But what if I ask you?

What did you lie about?

You lied about everything and more

You lied about how much you missed me

(It turned out that you never did)

You lied about why you got back together with me

(It wasn't because you loved me and it wasn't for our kids)

You lied when you admitted that you were violent

(You blamed your rages on me or the kids instead)

You lied about having gone to counseling

(Once in 15 years just doesn't count)

You lied about believing in me

(I found that out soon enough)

You lied about everything you thought of me

(And I know you weren't confused)

You lied for 15 years about your sexuality

(Yet you've known since you were six?)

You lied about accepting it yourself

(You said I turned you gay)

You lied when you said you wanted only me

(You joined 9 dating sites while we were together)

You lied about wanting to marry me

(Yes, I saw your ad seeking an Asian bride)

You lied when you said you loved me

(Did you ever actually even like me?)

You lied right up until the end

(You told the kids I threw you out)

And even now you still lie

(But at least I know what to expect)

So now I know a lot of things

Like what you thought of me then

Which is what you still think of me now

You said I'm nothing but a Loser

A pathetic waste of space

You said I'm stupid, fat and ugly

And a weak and lazy pig

You said I'm the world's worst mother

You even said "I wish you were dead"

For a while I thought you might be right

At least, I agreed I was pathetic

When you first left I could hardly function

All I could think was "I just don't get it?"

Back then I missed the sight of you

Lots did I miss your smell

Lots did I miss the sound of you

Lots did I miss your presence

Lots did I just miss you

And though it's much, much less now,

I admit that I sometimes still do

Even so, I'm coping better these days

In fact, it hasn't really been that hard

Whenever I start missing you,

Before I'm feeling sad,

I think about what I don't miss

And it helps me to not feel bad

I remember how much I cried instead

And how much the kids cried too

I remember the nasty things you said

And the broken promises too

I think of how alone at night I felt

Even with you in my bed

And though it has taken me a while

I finally see right through you

I no longer believe the words you said

Your actions spoke the truth

But of all the things I know now

It's none of that that's most important

It's all the other things I've learned

That help me to move forward

I learned to listen to those who love me

And to trust myself instead of you

And though it has not been easy

I've taught the kids that too

They now have a better mum

And they no longer get hurt by you

I love how they flourish and grow daily

And it's funny, but they teach me too

I watch and listen to what they say

Now they can speak their mind's view

I prove myself by being consistent

I teach them while we work and play

I give them my love without conditions

Because I know no other way

It's a blessing to be free from you

And in ways I could never have guessed

Without your ridicule and control

We're no longer subjugated and depressed

Now I can set a good example

And show them that love works best

I teach them what is wrong and right

Without criticizing or blaming

And now they're allowed to believe in me

They are stronger than ever before

So I guess I should be thanking you

Despite everything you've done

Your attempts to break me backfired

Instead I grew in strength and won

I'm proud I learned the truth

But trust me when I say

That I am not without regrets

I should have left you long ago

But for that I can't blame or fret

I'll always wish there was no need

For what I now must prove

But I accept my responsibilities

And I'll do what I must do

_{All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:}

_{Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.}

_{All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:}

_{Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.}