What if Vampires really exist?

Why do we enjoy tales of the undead?  Why are vampires so romantic?  Is there some deep resonating metaphor about blood and love that we thirst for?  

The popularity of vampires reflects something missing in ourselves.  Why is love defined as an eternal force, a bond that will last forever?  Is this why the vampire myth has resonated throughout the centuries?  This lust for undying love?  After all, the true attraction of a vampire is the fact that they live forever, like to stay out late and do whatever they want.  They are the perfect mate for every lost soul pining for a relationship.  

The recent popularity of the Twilight books and movies is just the latest re-telling of the vampire lore.  The chaste lovers who cannot deny their love but are doomed never to consummate their relationship unless Bella joins the undead is the "hook" for millions of teen girls.  They identify with the good girl chasing the bad boy, uncertain about the odds but fearless in the pursuit.  

It is just plain crazy.  But then love is a crazy thing.

Yes, of course the vampire stories are just that, fictional tales to scare and warn and amuse us. The very idea that the exchange of blood somehow grants life to the dead and all the rest of the lore and mythology is absurd. Yet it fills a need within us, we want to believe. So, what if these creatures do exist? Would we know? Could it be possible?

Like any good mystery, the very question of their existence is part of the argument. The stories must have come from somewhere, right? Maybe someone, sometime in the distant past suffered a bite from a bat and died (given the lack of medical expertise, the examination of the body may not have been exhaustive). Once pronounced dead, the person could have revived and thus the legend was born. It wouldn't be the first tale of a person coming back from the grave.

However, one must assume that proof of evidence is required. As vampires don't readily announce themselves to the general public, one must look for other sources for proof besides a direct confession.

What are we looking for? Simple, really. Here are the five proofs needed to confirm the existence of vampires:

1. Caskets with bodies inside them, asleep in the day time hours and empty at night.

2. A pattern of teeth bites on the necks of people all over the world.

3. Legions of young girls who only date at night.

4. People who look the same as they did a hundred years ago.

5. A pattern of break-ins to blood banks around the world.

So far, no proof.  But can we dismiss the existence of the undead just because we haven't see the five proofs?  Shouldn't we play it safe rather than be sorry later?

Here is a top ten list of things you should do and a quick quiz to test for vampires.  One more thing, keep going to the movies.  They seem to be the best source of reliable information.

1. Never stay out late at night alone

2. Never date someone in a cape

3. Wear garlic, eat garlic, grow garlic, shower with garlic

4. Install full-spectrum lighting in your house

5. Insist the first date be somewhere in bright sunlight

6. Stay at home on Halloween

7. Wear more turtleneck sweaters

8. Check for a reflection when you pass by a mirror

9. Sleep with a wooden stake under your pillow

10. Keep a jug of holy water in the fridge