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When I Was Part 1

Updated on April 18, 2019
Yena Arao profile image

Ayla is a teenager who had been subjected to emotions. Lately, she has been asking herself of her internal feelings.

When I Was Part 1


There goes her laugh again.

Amongst the five of us, she is the most social, also the craziest. You can also call her the leader, probably. But, she is also the most prone to drift to others.

We call her Milan. Based on my understanding of her, she is a good person. She treats everyone well. She is open to everybody. Anyone can talk to her. A very highly sociable person. A person so good, that it is not compatible with someone like me.

"True. Like her vlog is so forced. Anyways, she is really good at make-up so it is fine."

That, is one of our classmates. But also a member of the popular group in the room.

Like always, I cannot relate.

Milan always had another group of friends. The popular group, the most noticeable people in class. Their interests totally click, definitely not with me. Who am I to hold her back?

I gazed at them briefly before dropping my head and plugging my earphones—the normal routine. I let music drown me in my thoughts as I laid my head on my arms.

/I got no excuses

For all of these goodbyes

Call me when it's over

'Cause I'm dying inside

Wake me when the shakes are gone

And the cold sweats disappear

Call me when it's over

And myself has reappeared

Sometimes I just wanna cave

And I don't wanna fight

I try and I try and I try and I try and I try

Just hold me, I'm lonely/

/Momma, I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore/

My mother is very strict, independent and also unaffectionate. However, she loves to teach how to become her. She once told me,"If you want to be closer, then also try out their likes." Sounds easy, huh? Probably, for her.

/And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor/

My father? He rarely gets angry, but when he does. He is scary. But still, he is more affectionate than Mom. He teaches us for our future. I still love them both.

/To the ones who never left me

We've been down this road before/

My friends are already tired of me being complicated. Like a puzzle missing a piece, they would never be able to figure me out, yet they keep on staying. But here I am, still estranged.

I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore/

I just want to give up.

So what if I tried whatnots they like? How can I just jump in to their conversation?

It's like a clownfish trying to approach angelfishes. It would be pathetic.

You would just become more pathetic than how you are right now. Would you like that?

Negative thoughts suddenly rushed in my mind. My brows creased as I tried to clear my mind. However, the more I try to think otherwise, the more negative thoughts consume me, like darkness trying to eat me up.

A sudden pain woke me from my abstraction.

"Dienne!! Eeep! Omigosh!"

Whack! Whack! Whack!

A series of hits came onto my shoulder and I jerked up.

That episode was so..normal. Especially in school.

As I faced my right, I saw my friend Keith was fangirling again. She was fanning her face and also flapping her hands like a bird. I removed my earphones as I turned to face her.

Keith is also a crazy one, but also—like me—serious. She likes her alone time, but not that she sees it negatively, unlike me. She loves reading, like me. She totally reads a lot, especially conspiracy theories. Her brain holds a wide insight—personal and totally shows who she is. Nevertheless, she can make people like her and she totally holds her emotions well. Told 'ya, she's smart—IQ and EQ. It's not right to be biased, but amongst the four, she is the one I love and trust the most.

"Dienne! I can't believe it! Mommy G has published her first ever—evah!—hard copy of her book! I'm so proud. Gosh, I'm tearing up."

She said as she wiped a genuine tear from her eye. Mommy G is a 17-year old author who's stories totally make up more than half of her brain and insights. Mommy G is like her idol.

Sometimes, I ask myself. "How can a person be inspired so much to the point of worshipping and yet, still retain a clear thought and opinion? Is it just me who is not like this?"

I gave her a teasing smile as I spoke.

"Wow Kieth. It looks like you are the one who published a book."

I gave out a small laugh as Keith pouted at me.

"Iihh. You know that I love her to death. Aii. Dun ka na nga.1"

I shook my head and went back to my music. This time around, as I laid my head down, my mind was at peace.

The warmth of my friend worked helps a lot at times like that. I hope I don't lose this saving grace.



1: "Dun ka na nga" is a Filipino expression when you are annoyed and want someone to go away. It doesn't necessarily mean you are in a bad mood or angry. It is "Go away" or "Leave me alone" in English, depending on the usage.

So! Here is the official first chapter. It introduced Dienne and her interactions with some of her friends. The first part is about her inability to interact, trust and build a solid relationships with others. Dienne, from my perspective, is hard to write but also not. Especially when I try to make her thoughts a mess but in an orderly way. Still, I enjoy writing her monologues.

Song credits goes to Demi Lovato, "Sober". A little background about the song is that she made it after or during her depression or recovery, I think.

Anyways, thanks again!

QotD: If ever a person you treat as a very close friend begins to drift from you, what would you think? How would you react?

I am becoming more tangled and broken—even music doesn't help anymore.

Photo: Flickr/Steven Guzzardi
Photo: Flickr/Steven Guzzardi | Source

© 2019 Ayla Arao


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