When One Cook Is Better Than Two
I Am Leaving You Can't Say I Didn't Offer
When my wife starts to cook
Find the nearest exit and skid dattle like a mouse going for cover
I want to offer you this advice I learned from years of experience
Whatever else happens if you stick around will only be like a tornado brewing
First you get a few gusts of wind and that is a clear warning sign of bad things about to happen
If you are not careful you will be sucked in
You might hear shouting first or a loud bang
Don't say it is her temper or you better kiss the ground and pray
Because all hell will break loose
I can't guarantee your safety from here on out
If I were you I would high tail it out of here and don't look back
Every man for himself I tell you
She means well and has the best of all intentions
I smell the aroma of onions cooking and my taste buds start to wander
Don't get to close to the fire or she will roast you like a marshmallow on a stick
I see the smoke fill the kitchen and it is only a matter of time when the smoke alarms go off
I tell her to put the fan on the stove that was my first mistake
Sometimes I learn from my cats and go under the bed and hide
When she calls don't come right away
First act as if you didn't hear her
Then when she calls again and she will
Act as if your busy doing something
Think quick be fast on your feet
It could save your life
If your not you will feel the wrath of your honey and soon you will end up like puppy chow
Dog meat for those who don't have puppies
They will never find your remains because a good cook uses everything and has little waste
I hear her chopping on the cutting board
Down my back I get a chill then all shivers
I hear the can opener cutting through the can
She might call out your name in a soft friendly voice
Don't fall for that old the can opener isn't working trick
Say in a loud voice I would love to help you but I am in the middle of something
It worked fine the other day
We will just have to buy a better one no matter what the cost
That will keep her calm and she can see another toy in the kitchen for her to play with and add to your pain
While everything is cooking you will hear her say
Honey can you help me
Remember what I told you earlier ?
O.k. in just a minute
That will buy you some time and she is getting ready to give it to you with both barrels
You have to be prepared
You have to strike first
You have to keep your distance
Never and I mean never come within an arms reach
What is it you need dear ?
Seem real convincing
I could use help with the dishes
Leave them for later I am sure you will have a few more
I will get them all
You are doing a great job cooking I don't want to get in your way
You are lowering her guard
Then when you hear the water running because she can't wait
Say leave those I will get them I am just cleaning out the cat box
Buying more time
Then she will yell back done
What hun
Done
Say thank you a couple of times and make sure she answers you
When she says your welcome you know it is safe
You can poke your head around the corner or sqeeze by to get a drink
If she says ouch that means you better hurry the time bomb is still ticking
Another day in a small house where I am going to eat a delicious meal
I think
I didn't smell anything burning this time
Or her yelling from the top of her lungs
I can't cook why do I try
I knew I should of stayed in bed all day
Remember the trick is whatever she makes and no matter how it looks
Eat it and say things like I never tasted something like this before
Don't give her an outright lie she will see right through you to your skeleton and she can see all your vital organs
So protect those private parts and make sure you cover your heart
One blow in the right place could finish you
Remember she watched all those c.s.i. shows and she knows
If she picks up a pan say I will take that
Try to put it away even though you don't know where it goes
If you hear the trash rattling
That means the bag is full and offer to take it out on the double
Or she will start to curse
When you hear the words when do you want to eat
Don't say what is on your mind because you will never be right
Say in a unsure way leaving room for doubt
Five oclock how does that sound ??
She will tell you if it is o.k. or not
Well dinner won't be ready for another half hour
I knew I should of started it earlier
It happens all the time
I am not really that hungry now that will be perfect
If she starts talking to the cats
Don't think you should get off that ..
Wouldn't that be a good idea..
Mommy thinks so...
Offer to save another life
Come running in I got our cat let me go play with her in the other room
Mommy is real busy
When you hear her sit down and sigh
Tell her how much you love her
That will make all her troubles worth it
When you hear the timer beep
Play dumb what is that for ?
I have to check them
Well it looks like I am going to live to see another day
Mmmmmmmmmmm that food looks good