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When One Cook Is Better Than Two

Updated on November 23, 2011

I Am Leaving You Can't Say I Didn't Offer

When my wife starts to cook

Find the nearest exit and skid dattle like a mouse going for cover

I want to offer you this advice I learned from years of experience

Whatever else happens if you stick around will only be like a tornado brewing

First you get a few gusts of wind and that is a clear warning sign of bad things about to happen

If you are not careful you will be sucked in

You might hear shouting first or a loud bang

Don't say it is her temper or you better kiss the ground and pray

Because all hell will break loose

I can't guarantee your safety from here on out

If I were you I would high tail it out of here and don't look back

Every man for himself I tell you

She means well and has the best of all intentions

I smell the aroma of onions cooking and my taste buds start to wander

Don't get to close to the fire or she will roast you like a marshmallow on a stick

I see the smoke fill the kitchen and it is only a matter of time when the smoke alarms go off

I tell her to put the fan on the stove that was my first mistake

Sometimes I learn from my cats and go under the bed and hide

When she calls don't come right away

First act as if you didn't hear her

Then when she calls again and she will

Act as if your busy doing something

Think quick be fast on your feet

It could save your life

If your not you will feel the wrath of your honey and soon you will end up like puppy chow

Dog meat for those who don't have puppies

They will never find your remains because a good cook uses everything and has little waste

I hear her chopping on the cutting board

Down my back I get a chill then all shivers

I hear the can opener cutting through the can

She might call out your name in a soft friendly voice

Don't fall for that old the can opener isn't working trick

Say in a loud voice I would love to help you but I am in the middle of something

It worked fine the other day

We will just have to buy a better one no matter what the cost

That will keep her calm and she can see another toy in the kitchen for her to play with and add to your pain

While everything is cooking you will hear her say

Honey can you help me

Remember what I told you earlier ?

O.k. in just a minute

That will buy you some time and she is getting ready to give it to you with both barrels

You have to be prepared

You have to strike first

You have to keep your distance

Never and I mean never come within an arms reach

What is it you need dear ?

Seem real convincing

I could use help with the dishes

Leave them for later I am sure you will have a few more

I will get them all

You are doing a great job cooking I don't want to get in your way

You are lowering her guard

Then when you hear the water running because she can't wait

Say leave those I will get them I am just cleaning out the cat box

Buying more time

Then she will yell back done

What hun


Say thank you a couple of times and make sure she answers you

When she says your welcome you know it is safe

You can poke your head around the corner or sqeeze by to get a drink

If she says ouch that means you better hurry the time bomb is still ticking

Another day in a small house where I am going to eat a delicious meal

I think

I didn't smell anything burning this time

Or her yelling from the top of her lungs

I can't cook why do I try

I knew I should of stayed in bed all day

Remember the trick is whatever she makes and no matter how it looks

Eat it and say things like I never tasted something like this before

Don't give her an outright lie she will see right through you to your skeleton and she can see all your vital organs

So protect those private parts and make sure you cover your heart

One blow in the right place could finish you

Remember she watched all those c.s.i. shows and she knows

If she picks up a pan say I will take that

Try to put it away even though you don't know where it goes

If you hear the trash rattling

That means the bag is full and offer to take it out on the double

Or she will start to curse

When you hear the words when do you want to eat

Don't say what is on your mind because you will never be right

Say in a unsure way leaving room for doubt

Five oclock how does that sound ??

She will tell you if it is o.k. or not

Well dinner won't be ready for another half hour

I knew I should of started it earlier

It happens all the time

I am not really that hungry now that will be perfect

If she starts talking to the cats

Don't think you should get off that ..

Wouldn't that be a good idea..

Mommy thinks so...

Offer to save another life

Come running in I got our cat let me go play with her in the other room

Mommy is real busy

When you hear her sit down and sigh

Tell her how much you love her

That will make all her troubles worth it

When you hear the timer beep

Play dumb what is that for ?

I have to check them

Well it looks like I am going to live to see another day

Mmmmmmmmmmm that food looks good


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    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Dim Flaxenwick It is amazing how many little things in our life add up to the craziest life we have ever lived.I am still healthy and have a great appetite.Thanks to my wifes cooking.So unless you don't hear from me for a few days then I forgot to follow my own tips.Everyone makes a mistake sometime.(lol)

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 6 years ago from Great Britain

      That is the best laugh l´ve had in days......

      Tears are streaming down my cheeks due to the fact that l can HONESTLY identify with you here.

      l did all the cooking while our children were growing up and now that we are retired Hubby has decided it´s HIS domain. Everything you describe, like legging it, if he notices me even in the room are so true. (ours is a small kitchen but honestly 2 people CAN fit in it.)

      Oh l loved this. Thank you, Dream On. Keep your head down.!

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 years ago

      Mary615 She not only reads my writings but corrects my mistakes.I am glad you and my wife both shared my humor.(lol)Thanx and have a great night.

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 6 years ago from Florida

      Did your wife read this??? This is really funny, thanks for the the chuckle, Dream On.