When Can I Let You Go?

We met fifteen years ago, when I had just married your friend.

The next five years we were inseparable and a bond formed in the end.

My first son before I was twenty and a godfather you became

But there was something unspoken with just us, the signals we would send.

I think I didn't want to notice what was going on with us two

Or really believe what I was seeing and the feelings you had for me.

I can't figure out when I fell in love with you, but I surely did

You didn't notice, but my husband surely did start to see.

I wasn't allowed to be alone with you, remember the rules he set?

Although whenever he went on the boat, you would come to check on me.

First was a gallon of milk when I was pregnant, later medicine when I was sick

Yet through all these kind gestures it was me that was blind to see.

I remember when you told me, the cheating he was doing behind my back

How he kept telling me you were lying so you could just get down my pants.

I knew he was the one that was blowing smoke up my ass for almost 9 years

But I couldn't get the nerve to leave him, you just sat listening to my rants.

One day I tried to give him a chance to think our marriage through

I walked out for a temporary separation, that is when I realized I wanted you.

The time you called me to come get you, couldn't get in through the gate

I told myself it was okay when we slipped in bed together, that was very new.

I never did regret it, was surprised when after

you kept kissing me

The thought crossed my mind you used me,

that I was just a piece of ass.

Though I never did tell you my feelings,

before you moved away

Regretting that day every moment of my life,

I never thought it'd pass.

You called every moment to see if I was okay,

but he picked up my phone

Every moment-every day I only felt alone,

wanting you just once more I did.

One day it finally filed the end of my marriage,

when I finally found you online

My-space made that possible back in 2007,

but you were married with a kid.

We did talk on and off through the net,

you didn't call me until I remarried

First time he left me you finally did call,

you rushed to check up on me.

I tried to work on my marriage from afar,

no point wishing you were in my bed

Than my soldier cheated and walked out,

but only after his abuse you see.

I hated to imagine the good wife she was to you,

and late at night you both would make love.

My heart ached for you in more way than my best friend,

it was to have you one more time inside me.

I couldn't bear the burning deep down in my gut,

instead of depending on you I looked to up above.

I prayed that one day I would be loved in return,

in all the ways that my heart beat for you.

To have no more crowbars raised above my head,

but instead your arms wrapped tight around me.

I didn't even send a message through social media sites,

never wanted to tell you all that he did

Deep down I felt I desearved everything he gave,

our night together stirred up bad karma you see.

So I moved to my dad's to get back on my feet,

battling a man who was a dead beat

Pushed myself to forget him and went back to college,

determined to be free of the entrapment.

Than not a few months after we moved in,

you messaged me at last once again

I gave you my new cell phone number,

the floor with a blanket was entrapment.

One day you sent me an odd sounding text,

asking if it was okay if you called that day

Why would it even cross his mind that he would have to,

he could call at two in the morning even.

I said yes and I couldn't wait to hear his deep voice,

than listened to hear the ex-wife's story

She could have been our Lord's personal angel,

hated her even if she wasn't the one leaving.

We awkwardly kept in a little bit of contact,

till one day I slid in a little thing I thought

Asking him what was the definition of friend zone,

and he laughed as I said than free me.

I heard those words I had never thought I'd hear,

that he had always thought about more

Had I not been married he would have grabbed it,

'and never let me walk where he couldn't see.

I learned that he thought a lot about where I was,

and he heard I had divorced Pjay finally

But when he finally could use Myspace to locate,

the second marriage was now in the way.

I guess it took the alcohol he went out to drink,

to tell me that he had always in some way loved me

So I disclosed that had he told me that than he could have,

loved me every day through night and make me stay.

I finally set out after ten long years to see him again,

my heart beat out of my chest for ten hours

The first thing he did when we were alone away from my kids,

Is grab me hard and pull me straight into his chest.

we kissed like something had been missing this whole time,

Our hearts beating so hard we could feel the heart of the other

as we could barely hang on to the passion in need of rest.

Yet we didn't stop until it was almost complete locking eyes we did,

never did he break away from looking at me

In the four days that we were hanging out the sex was amazing,

and we talked of me being patient with him.

He talked of maybe going back to his wife at least to try,

knowing I hated the thought worse than death

The emphasis on "be patient with me" wasn't hard to miss

he thought that maybe dating wasn't so out on the limb.

I messed it up and I know it when I decided to let my ex boyfriend in,

the one I had kept hidden inside and not telling about him

When he popped back in my life I was angry with trying to fix that,

and I believed they were going to fix everything and be fine.

I told him we had to stop having sex even knowing he was visiting soon,

revoking our benefits was yanking out all he had wanted for along time

At first I really didn't see it a problem as I just wanted to make it clear,

cut and dry that we were only just really good friends.

He didn't talk to me for months and I let him know the guy screwed me,

that he didn't ever come out to visit and please to call me

The days passed and I gave up there wasn't going to be begging for you,

I wanted to tell him in person that the mistake I didn't see.

We are making plans to see each other a year after we last could be,

still joke and talk about everything and sex always a matter at hand

Though I really did think he still would want to date and loved me,

just wanted to wait until she wasnt any kind of burden or threat.

I was wrong and now I am in friend's zone trying hard to see it clear

nothing he says adds up and makes sense reasons are blurry at least.

He said that we both knew that we were better to stay as friends

because it was better fpr us and nothing really makes this much a beast

But you have to see what I am to you and let me hold you

in my arms and be by my side because you have always been my whole life.

the longing for us to become one could have been all in my head.