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When I Was

Updated on April 17, 2019
Yena Arao profile image

Ayla is a teenager who had been subjected to emotions. Lately, she has been asking herself of her internal feelings.

I was out here, alone. Again. Like others, I feel the sea calling out to me. But in a different way, the sea calls to me our similarities. The sea has always been my friend.

I have always been a quiet person—serious, you can say. Despite this, I was surrounded by crowd of friends—a five person gang. We have the popular girl, the smart one, the religious one and a cool one. As for me, I probably just fitted myself in. Despite that, I truly love them like my own sisters, I do. Even though, we deem to be drifting apart. It takes just a moment of confusion and misunderstanding, for us to slowly fall apart. Who was the problem? Was it me?

Everytime I have problems, I go to the sea—like a typical girl. And right now, is just one of those moments.

The salty smell.

The hypnotizing sound of the waves splashing onto the sand.

The feel of the wind, it's loud howls and it's aggressive caress.

It just makes you forget everything. It is like finding oxygen in the moment you were choking.

Like typical teenagers, I am finding family problems and friend misunderstandings a heavy burden to bear. These type of problems cause my mind to be in a disarray. It causes confusion and self-blame—that, I realized as I clear my mind at the sea.


Everything just feels wrong.

A family is supposed to be one, right? Then, why are things like this?

Friends are supposed to treasure each other. Why can't I feel my importance?

Yet, looking at another point of view, what if I was the one who is complicating things? What if I was the one who messes things up?

Maybe, it is just the views, the perspectives and the diversity of minds that creates havoc in me. Or it can be the way I grew up? Or the people around me? Or maybe, it is living itself. But then, it all returns to one thing—self-blame.

Sometimes I just want to sleep forever. That way, I won't have to think anymore. Just being in a deep void. No society to dictate me. No confusion. No anything. Just silence. And peace... And loneliness.


My thoughts were broken off as a soft whisper—probably, I misheard—a soft, soothing whisper came from the sea.

It's funny how I was named to die, yet I was born to live. Since I was a child, I had been asking a lot of questions. What was my purpose? Why am I even here when I am nothing?

My philosophy teacher once said, "Everything is nothing, just as nothing can become something."

He also said,"Questions are just answered by more questions."

That is true.

I was once asked,"Are you depressed?"

When I answered to myself "Yes.", But then, "Why?".

When I answered "No". What am I feeling then?

There never were clear answers to me. I am just an uncertain being, without a definite position in this world.


A distinct shout came from behind.

When I looked back, I saw that it was just an acquaintance. Why did I even expect to see a friend or family when after all, I am just nothing?


Welcome to the story of Dienne! This is thevery first release: a brief introduction on Dienne Flores, our main character. Thank you for finding her deep story amongst many. Dienne is the very first character I created of me. I hope you enjoy her journey and, yeah.

QotD: Have you ever known someone like Dienne? How do you treat him/her? What do you think of people who are quiet, but emotionally unstable?

The sea—known for its calmness. Yet, like me, the sea also has moments of disarray. —Dienne Flores

I am but a girl—trying to keep my happiness as a mask.


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