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Dying alone in godforsaken place by cancer

Updated on October 29, 2012

My heartbeats in my throat

My eyes burning,

My legs shaking,

My voice trembling,

My bones aching

and straining

under the weight of lives

that I wished to live.

Cold sweat rolling down ,

like torrents making ways

to the rough dried ground

where I am standing now destroyed.

Time ticking away,

making no trace back to

where I start to blossom

like a morning petal unrolling

to spread the fragrance.

Sun going down to nap

so early like a blushing nymph in a space,

waltzing with grace

giving the baton to

the darkness to enshroud

slowly over the world.

Is this the end ?

dying so young?

In this godforsaken horrible place

I am pale,

puppy-like figure,

Earth taste in my mouth

Flying remnants flashing in front of my eyes

Is this the end ?

I see no light filtering this gloom

Should I call a doctor

or should I give up ?

The time is up

I can no longer resist

Unknown little frozen monsters

gnarling my feet

I wish you were here by now

to hold my hands for the last time ,

and look me in the eyes before my sight blur

to assure me

`every thing shall be well

all matter of things shall be well`*

I wish you were here

to take my heart in both hands

and place it inside the warmth of your pockets

just for a moment.

Where are you?

All the birds has returned back to nests.

All the stars has awaken from a deep slumber

Is your car died in the road

or are you just rejoicing an other

after all my screws start to loosen.

I can` t call you

My hands so numb

The black curtain is falling down

to rest my hopes and end my chronic cancer pain.


*Julian of Norwich.


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    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      5 years ago from Morocco

      Crystal Tatum,

      Thanks so much for insight.

      Have a beautiful day there!

    • Crystal Tatum profile image

      Crystal Tatum 

      5 years ago from Georgia

      Devastating...very hard to read but you express the pain beautifully.

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      5 years ago from Morocco

      Kathryn Stratford ,

      Thanks for stopping by and commented.

      Have a nice day there! :)

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      5 years ago from Morocco

      Just Ask Susan,

      Difficult to read is because the poem doesn't contain punctuation lol. Now , are you okey ??

    • blondey profile image

      Blondey Hubpages 

      5 years ago

      Well, I have suffered before tremendously with suicidal depressions and other things. I'd rather suffer physical and not feel suicidal. but- what I mean is ....I believe in God and heaven and hell and purgatory even. I found my self closest to God when suffering the most. I don't want to suffer yet sometimes when I do, I offer it up like a prayer for my intentions or for any intention or other people, like for world peace, family, friends, good health, whatever . I have found that suffering is not useless. And I don't mind offering it up for people because I know any prayers or burdens beared will help, so I figure also, that if --I mean when I die, I'd like to go right to heaven, and I feel that if I suffer, before I die, it will bring me closer to Jesus--------------which is where I WANT to be before I die- as close as possible, so I will feel ready to meet Him.

      I've never had extreme physical pain. I've had extreme emotional pain. Which I think can be worse especially feeling suicidal when you don't want to. I realize people could feel suicidal if they are in extreme physical pain.

      I hope that makes sense.

      When my father was sick for 3 yrs before he died, it made him more humble and he became "pliable" and softer, which was a gift to me to be closer to Him, but then he accepted Christ seven months before he died...and so I do believe God allows people to suffer, because often times many people, not all, never think of God or their creator, when things are going well. And suffering can also unite us to Jesus more, when we think of his Passion and suffering on the cross. It can actually be a joy, to unite ourselves with Him and to Him, and console Him by thinking of his suffering, and being grateful for what he did, and thereby we become more accepting of what happens in life. As difficult as it may be.

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      5 years ago from Morocco


      WOW You have a strong spirit.May I know the secret behind that ?

    • blondey profile image

      Blondey Hubpages 

      5 years ago

      Yeah, cancer wouldn't be fun.

      I'm doing very well, I don't need to be sick!!

      What I intended to say was that is I got cancer I would be ok. Thanks

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image


      5 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      Wow, that was a very raw poem. Well done. I nearly lost my breath as I read it. But then when I saw the comments...

      Susan, it makes me so sad to hear that you've been diagnosed with lung cancer :( I'm sorry. I hope you're doing okay, despite everything.

      ~ Kathryn

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 

      5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Very difficult for me to read as I was just diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer a few days ago.

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      5 years ago from Morocco


      I understand your feeling but dont let negativity depressing you.Life is still fresh and worth to live despite all bad things.God gives us only what we can bear.

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      5 years ago from Morocco

      Minnetonka Twin ,

      Thank God now you are safe and sound.That was really a traumatic experience. Being a cancer survivor is also bless..I mean a gift!

    • blondey profile image

      Blondey Hubpages 

      5 years ago

      I used to wish I would die of cancer because I was so unhappy and miserable with bipolar and .... thought that at least then someone would legitimately care about how I ached, because many people thought bipolar was nothing. Years later I am feeling very well. I digress, I think cancer is a blessing to a Catholic like me. I would be ready for Heaven. I would be ready for Heaven :)

      A rare point of view..

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 

      5 years ago from Minnesota

      Wow James-this is beautifully written but so difficult to read. It brought me back to ten years ago as I lay in the hospital bed and the surgeon walked in to give me bad news. The lung cancer they had removed had spread to some lymph nodes and I had a 20-25% chance of making five years. Those were dark, scary days but I am here, by the grace of God. I will be ten years cancer free on St. Patrick's Day. That was the day they removed my middle lobe of right lung. Being a cancer survivor is a scary journey as I can attest to, but it also makes you so grateful for every single day. I am sharing this poem and of course I voted up and hit all buttons except funny.

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      6 years ago from Morocco

      Thanks so much epigramman for the insight and for the compliment.I thought that Hub talks about you,Thank God it s only a fiction.I used to meet people here talking about their own lives when they use 1 pp.Anyway,thanks for the clarification.I will take that into considerations.

      Best wishes


    • epigramman profile image


      6 years ago

      .....certainly not a pleasant read by any means - and by that definition you have succeeded brilliantly my friend. So powerful are your emotional words that I had to take a pause at the end and take a deep breath myself. Hubbravo to you - and as an author's note on my latest piece in which you just reviewed: I am first and foremost a storyteller and most of my work is fictional. If I write in first person pronoun it doesen't necessarily mean it's about me. Thank you for caring though; it shows that you are truly and deeply a good person.

      sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time ontario canada 5:23pm

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      6 years ago from Morocco

      Thanks HattieMattieMae.I appreciate your comment.As you said there is nothing we say to ease that experience.Being on the edge of death is no easy for a person to bear.It is scary because they are about to go somewhere they don t know and never being there.I watched the other day a video of a brave woman died by cancer.She accepted the deases and where is goin.You can check the video:

    • James-wolve profile imageAUTHOR

      Tijani Achamlal 

      6 years ago from Morocco

      Thanks Deborah Brooks for stopping by and comment:)

    • HattieMattieMae profile image


      6 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      Yes, thank you for sharing. Working with patience I understand the battles they go through, and the heartache. There is nothing you can say to ease that experience. Nothing can touch it, and it is so surreal facing death when it stares you in the eye. All I can say is that the angels are always there healing, and helping those along. God is always comforting them in their hour of need.

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 

      6 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      this is simply beautiful.. everyone needs to read this..

      I am sharing



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